u/youngerthrowaway482

Hi guys, sorry if this topic is a bit of a downer but I could really use some external perspectives on this.

My partner (65) and I (29) have been together for over 3 years. It has been my first serious relationship, and while it started short-term I'm now looking at things long term ...and don't really like what I see. By that I mean that from about 5-10 years from now to 20+ years from now he will likely be increasingly disabled and will need care from me physically, emotionally, and in our case, financially. After that he will die and I will be left alone in middle age, and will have to go through the same thing again with myself and any future partners. I do not anticipate that either of us will enjoy any of this, but for me it's something I would be signing myself up for.

The fact that people age and die isn't news to me - I just wasn't thinking that far ahead when the relationship began. I also viewed the relationship as something that if it wasn't making me happy I could just leave, so any serious issues my partner experienced in general weren't necessarily my problem. That's no longer the case now that I'm looking at the relationship as something potentially long-term.

Obviously anything can happen, but the younger one having to care for the older one until their death is something that is highly likely in long-term age-gap relationships, so I'm interested in how you all are dealing with this.

These are the options I see for the younger one in age-gap relationships who is looking at this in advance:

• Option 1: The younger one stays with the older one and takes care of him until he dies. After the older one dies the younger one grieves and starts over.
• Option 2: The relationship ends.
  • 2a: It ends when the burden of care is too much for the younger one.
  • 2b: It ends ASAP so that both parties can find partners who match their long-term needs.
• Option 3: The dynamic/scope of the relationship is changed so that only a part of it dies with the older one rather than the whole thing. This would potentially reduce the burden of care and make the younger one less alone while grieving.
  • 3a: Add 1 or more people to the relationship who are younger.
  • 3b: Add kids (who will be grown up before the older one starts needing serious care).

I don't think that strangers' input on my specific situation based on just the information in this post will be that useful, but I would really appreciate any fresh perspectives on aging and death in the older-younger dynamic. Basically anything that can ground the thoughts that have been going in circles in my head. Some specific question I had would be:

• Are there any options that I've missed?
• What suboptions have I missed? (I'm sure there are plenty)
• Are there any keys parts or dynamics that I've missed for the options I listed, based on your experiences?
• If you are the younger one in your relationship and you have taken any of these options, how did it go? e.g.
  • If you took option 1, was it something you planned for or kinda just ended up doing? What is your plan for afterwards and your experience so far?
  • If you ended the relationship, how did you go about doing so? Going forward what was your policy, e.g. do you still date older men and let them know that you're looking for something short term or did you bite the bullet and start dating people closer to your age so you only have to go through aging and death once? Either way how is that going?
  • If you took option 3 I'd love to hear how you did it and what it has been like, as that is by far the most theoretical option for me and I'm not sure what it would actually look like.
• If you are the older one in your relationship, how do you discuss and plan for disability and death with your partner? My partner's plan for most things is to not plan too much and hope things work out, which stresses me out for monthly bills let alone life planning. I tried bringing up my anxiety about his future health and death and he was a bit insulted that I was looking at this from pretty much only my perspective rather than his (fair enough), and in general it was clearly not something he wanted to discuss.

edit: People have said the post is too long so I've moved this section to the end since it's not really relevant to other people's experiences (which is what I'm interested in). Feel free to skip it.

Personally for me this is how I see the options:

• Option 1: I anticipate that I would regret choosing this option once it was over. If the current trend of my emotional investment continues then by the point care is needed my need to support him would override my unhappiness (assuming I do not get depressed to the point that I cannot provide care), but I would likely feel trapped. I know a lot of younger guys enjoy caring for their loved one but I do not think I will be the same, at least not with that as the majority of the relationship and knowing that I'll have to start over afterwards and do it again.
• Option 2: Losing one of my only close connections and the self-inflicted heartbreak would make me extremely unhappy short-term. Things are far from perfect but I've dealt with depression most of my life and things are alright currently, which is a lot better than average. There are other issues in the relationship but it feels very weird to be thinking of ending it when there aren't any immediate problems. I'm guessing I will be less unhappy long-term than option 1 though, and at this point in the relationship I'm still prioritizing my own happiness.
  • 2a: This was basically my default when I wasn't thinking about this, but it would be horrible for him and would make me extra unhappy due to the guilt.
  • 2b: Intellectually this seems like the morally correct answer for me, but emotionally I don't want to do it. I'm not sure how I'd even go about doing it to reduce the damage it would do to both of us. I'm also not sure what my plans after the relationship would be.
• Option 3:
  • 3a: My partner would never go for this.
  • 3b: I probably don't want kids and wouldn't be a good father, though my partner probably would be. I think it would technically be possible for us with a cut back on standard of living and us doing foster care of older children rather than adoption, but it's a moot point if I don't actually want this.