I was raped by my own father and I can’t even tell my mom
I was 11 when it happened. It started when I told my parents that I’m growing, that I’m hitting puberty. I used to love my dad, we would have tickle fights when I was younger. Now I’m disgusted bc what if he was plotting to do that to me at those day and age. At some point, I thought we were gonna play and have another tickle fight. Until he started touching me inappropriately. He put his hand under my pants and kept asking me if it was good. I didn’t even know what he was talking about that time, I thought he had asked that bc I made lemonade just before it happened. So I said yes. This happened multiple times for months. I wouldn’t even move, I felt like a Barbie getting drawn on, letting it happen. It happened multiple times for months no end until I eventually told him to stop. I started to ignore him. As I grow up, I started to get moody and I wouldn’t even hide how I hate him. My mom knows I hate him but she doesn’t know the reason. She keeps asking and I just keep crying. I recently got scolded by her, apparently he rambled to her on how I didn’t even greet him or acknowledge his existence when I came back home from a 2 days trip. she asked me why I don’t have respect for him and she told me that whatever it is we have to forgive him anyway. I think she assumed that I don’t have respect for him because he cheated on her and I knew abt it. At that point I just kept crying and told her she doesnt understand. She kept rambling and lecturing me about respect. How can she even lecture me about that when she doesn’t have respect for herself? She got cheated on for Christ sake. While she was rambling I was so close to telling her about it, but then I started thinking about the effect it will have later on in our lives. I don’t know what both of my parents are capable of doing. What if they kill eachother off? Even worst, what if I tell my mom, she confronts my dad and he tries to kill us?? What if he kills himself? What if my mom kills herself?? (I’m an overthinker). I want to tell her at some point but in this point and time, I’m still a teenager living under their roof. I’m thinking I should get away from here at the age of 18 and move. Which is btw next year.