Partner finds autism unsexy
Hey everyone, I really need some advice.
My current situation: Me (28F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together for 4 years.
Overall, we match well in many ways. We have chemistry, he treats me well, he’s responsible, and he genuinely puts effort into the relationship. He cooks for me, bakes for me, makes birthdays special, things like that.
But obviously not everything is perfect.
Lately I’ve been feeling emotionally uncomfortable in the relationship and I don’t know if it’s because of my own communication issues or because of him.
For a long time now I’ve been trying to explain to him that I strongly suspect I’m autistic. I’ve struggled my whole life with a lot of typical neurodivergent issues, and I’m already diagnosed with ADHD.
Life itself is already exhausting for me, especially working full-time in an overstimulating job (Police). I think what I want most is simply to feel understood.
The problem is: whenever I try to talk to him about how hard things feel for me (which is already difficult because I usually keep it all inside), he tends to minimize it or I can tell he just doesn’t really get it. He has this mindset of “other people have it worse,” so he compares my struggles to others a lot.
At this point I’m honestly burned out, and because of that it’s become even more noticeable that I’m “different” and low on energy.
He often doesn’t understand when I’m exhausted, and I feel like deep down he judges me for it.
One example: I have a skin-picking habit around my fingers that I’ve had since childhood and genuinely struggle to control. He often gets annoyed by it and says it’s unattractive and that my fingers look horrible, even though it’s honestly not THAT severe, mostly dry skin and sometimes small bloody spots.
Honestly I‘m often anxious when I‘m around him and when I notice that I‘m skin-picking again I stop before he reacts.
He also gets irritated when I don’t make eye contact while talking, even though I’ve explained multiple times that I actually focus better that way and that I want to be able to unmask at home and just be myself.
He says he also dislikes when I stare into space sometimes and finds it “unattractive.”
Or when I‘m overanalyzing.
Sometimes I show him autism-related memes or reels because I’m hoping it’ll open up conversation, increase his awareness, or maybe motivate him to understand me better and have more empathy for why I behave the way I do.
Sometimes he agrees that it’s relatable… but then says things like:
“that’s really unsexy.”
Meaning autistic behavior in general.
The irony is that some of these traits actually become stronger the more uncomfortable and unaccepted I feel.
What hurts is that I don’t even expect the relationship to revolve around me. I genuinely try to listen to him too. I ask him questions, try to have deeper conversations about him and his interests, and I listen for long periods when he talks about things he likes.
But when I talk, I often feel rushed or stressed because I can sense his attention fading and that he doesn’t really want to listen. Because of that I’ve started talking less and less. Ironically, he complains that I don’t talk enough.
I just naturally enjoy deeper conversations and meaningful topics. If interactions stay surface-level all the time, I honestly prefer saying nothing at all.
I’m at a point where I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
Is this enough reason to break up?
Is it my fault for not communicating well? Is his behavior understandable because he never learned about this topic or because he suffers indirectly from my behavior? He said that my skin-picking is triggering him because he doesn‘t like repeating noises which I understand.
Am I maybe too much? i feel like a normal and outgoing extroverted girl would be a better match for him..
Thank you for taking your time to read my text 🙏🏻