How do I explain the CPTSD/ADHD impact on our 17-year relationship and shared business without feeling like I'm dumping too much?
Hi everyone,
I'm looking for some perspective from this community on how to communicate with my partner of 17 years. We also run a small business together, which adds a layer of complexity to our dynamic.
I have CPTSD and ADHD, both diagnosed 6 years ago and I constantly struggle with the "Goldilocks zone" of sharing my experience with her. I never quite know what is too much to share versus what is necessary for her to understand where I'm coming from. I'm terrified of burdening her, but I also know that hiding my struggles leads to bigger issues.
Recently, there was a moment where I promised to help her with a bunch of ops jobs in the business and didn't follow through/meet deadlines. She pointed out that I haven't been as helpful as I should be, and she's right. I acknowledge that I've let her carry a heavy operational load, partly because business operations aren't exactly my wheelhouse, but mostly because of the executive dysfunction that come with my conditions.
My internal struggle is balancing when to share the heavy stuff. Sometimes I'm dealing with the side effects of ADHD medication adjustments, other times I'm coming out of a trauma nightmare that leaves me frozen, dissociated, or acting out in ways that aren't me. I worry that sharing these moments makes me look unreliable or like I'm making excuses, but I also know that without context, she just sees someone who isn't showing up.
For context on my current coping mechanisms:
- I am currently in IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, which is helping me understand my parts better.
- I'm active in a 12-step group for community and sobriety.
- I have a few accountability friends who also have CPTSD and are neurodivergent.
I'm not perfect, and I know I have a lot of work to do. But I want to find a way to explain these challenges to my partner in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment.
My questions for you all:
- How have you explained the specifics of CPTSD and ADHD to a long-term partner?
- How do you gauge when you are sharing too much trauma/suffering versus when you are simply being honest about your reality?
Any stories or advice would be incredibly appreciated.
Thank you for reading.