r/ActLikeYouBelong

Right after I got engaged, I started to realize that my old job was going to keep me away from my future wife way too much. So, I decided it was time to find something new. I came across an ad for a band director position in a small town just north of Houston. Since I’ve been teaching piano and guitar to students since I was 13, I thought it wouldn’t be too tough.

I applied and got an interview fairly quickly. I’m usually pretty good in interviews and felt like I had them convinced I was the right fit. The catch was, I'd never actually been part of any marching or concert band. When we reached the last part of the interview, they threw some really specific questions at me about how I'd manage the program. Honestly, most of it went over my head.

Instead of freaking out, I asked them about what the previous director had done. They raved about how fantastic he was at teaching military-style marching band, which I still had no clue about. I mustered all the enthusiasm I could and said, "That’s a program I can definitely support!" To my surprise, they offered me the job just minutes later.

I quickly ordered a bunch of marching band books online and spent the next few weeks learning as much as I could before school kicked off. It turned out to be an amazing experience. I taught for two years and managed to triple the program's size, all because I pretended to know what I was talking about in that interview!

i feel like when people talk about bpd it’s always to do with your fp or your partner, i don’t think people understand that it’s EVERY relationship you have.

your boss. your parents. your friends. your siblings. your partner.

EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. IN. YOUR. LIFE.

i’ve had traits of bpd literally since before i can remember and have been diagnosed for like three ish years now. and i’ve honestly never heard people talk about the genuine anxiety and fear and emotion that is constantly consuming us.

like as an example, at the moment im REALLY struggling going to work. i work for a MASSIVE grocery store chain in my country so the amount of workers in our store at a time is pretty up there. anyway the second i walk in im always worrying and misinterpreting everything i see.

if someone doesn’t smile back at me i think someone’s started a negative rumour about me. if someone’s called out of work i assume it’s my fault and i did something. if someone’s body language changed they hate me. in my mind someone is ALWAYS plotting against me.

and i get very caught up in these thoughts and almost delusions to the point where i will make myself cry or immediately get disturbing thoughts or plots for revenge.

and it’s clear that the common denominator is me. it’s my brain that’s the issue. pretty much 100% of the time all my assumptions are proved false but i still remember them all. and i almost convince myself that they real and now i have a lifelong grudge against that person.

and everytime this happens its not a matter of forgiving them for what they did im my imaginary story i just get so worked up that i crash and basically decide not to care. i still remember. i still care.

point being is being around people is hard for individuals with bpd. re-reading this i feel like i sound kind of crazy and maybe this is an original experience? i would appreciate any comments from people who have had similar occurrences :)

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