u/bakedbeanbabe

this is a trigger warning for anyone about to read this. i am not going to get into detail but i do want people to be aware that several serious topics will be discussed in the following text.

i never thought i would be posting something like this but i feel as though i am seriously out of options and in need of desperate support and advice.

for rough context ive been suffering from poor mental health for since i was around 12 and im now 19. i am diagnosed with bpd,
and cptsd but have also greatly suffered with anxiety, depression and addiction.

i don’t know how to explain what im going through at all. the best way i can think to explain it is like a lucid paranoid psychosis. i can’t be around people because every single thing sets me off and i can’t be alone because all i do is feed myself bad thoughts.

if im home alone im convinced someone has broken in and they’re watching me and going to hurt me or that just some sort of plot or attack is being made against me. i cant sleep i cant move i just have to wait until i feel okay. and even then im still waiting for something to happen.

if im around anybody like any single living thing - i cannot stress this enough - i feel that they hate me and they’re also plotting against me and ultimately something bad is going to happen. this literally ranges from humans i live with and people i have never met to animals like my pets or random insects.

one of the more notable issues this has created is i immediately am plotting against the person or thing that has “wronged” or “hurt” me. i seek revenge with such bloodthirst its out of control. it becomes homicidal and intrusive. i can hold a grudge like nobody you’ve ever met, i remember everything.

this whole issue has always been prominent in my life but it has taken such a dark and rough turn that i am afraid. i’m afraid of everything around me and very afraid of myself.

i can feel myself losing my grip on reality. i can feel myself losing control. i can feel the darkness taking over me. i can feel everything crashing and burning.

i know if i don’t do something now it will seriously be the end. and in a way i almost want it to be the end. this sickness, this disease is suffocating me.

something bad is going to happen. very soon. i have almost no control anymore. nobody understands. i genuinely believe there is not a single human on this earth that has ever and will ever experience what i am. nobody is like me. nobody will ever be like me. and nothing can save me now. i believe i am special and different. the most different. almost alien like to the human race. my brain is not like yours and yours is not like mine.

i will never be free.

what steps should i take while i am still mentally lucid to prevent the insanity from taking over. who do i need to talk to. any advice at all would be appreciated i just need a signal to the right direction.

i feel like when people talk about bpd it’s always to do with your fp or your partner, i don’t think people understand that it’s EVERY relationship you have.

your boss. your parents. your friends. your siblings. your partner.

EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. IN. YOUR. LIFE.

i’ve had traits of bpd literally since before i can remember and have been diagnosed for like three ish years now. and i’ve honestly never heard people talk about the genuine anxiety and fear and emotion that is constantly consuming us.

like as an example, at the moment im REALLY struggling going to work. i work for a MASSIVE grocery store chain in my country so the amount of workers in our store at a time is pretty up there. anyway the second i walk in im always worrying and misinterpreting everything i see.

if someone doesn’t smile back at me i think someone’s started a negative rumour about me. if someone’s called out of work i assume it’s my fault and i did something. if someone’s body language changed they hate me. in my mind someone is ALWAYS plotting against me.

and i get very caught up in these thoughts and almost delusions to the point where i will make myself cry or immediately get disturbing thoughts or plots for revenge.

and it’s clear that the common denominator is me. it’s my brain that’s the issue. pretty much 100% of the time all my assumptions are proved false but i still remember them all. and i almost convince myself that they real and now i have a lifelong grudge against that person.

and everytime this happens its not a matter of forgiving them for what they did im my imaginary story i just get so worked up that i crash and basically decide not to care. i still remember. i still care.

point being is being around people is hard for individuals with bpd. re-reading this i feel like i sound kind of crazy and maybe this is an original experience? i would appreciate any comments from people who have had similar occurrences :)

🐸

part of me always hoped my poor mental health was a “phase” or something but i’m 19 at the end of this week and it’s really setting in that this is likely forever. i’m sure people will read this and say i don’t know anything about having it hard. but since first experiencing these heavy hearted feelings about 5-6 years ago genuinely my whole life has been stunted.

i feel like im never going to go anywhere. never going to achieve anything. never going to smile again. i’m constantly taking three steps back compared to everyone else and it’s impossible to pretend im okay anymore.

i’m not sure why im posting this. maybe i’m
just looking for someone else to say they get it. to share some words of wisdom or something. cause i’ve genuinely never felt so isolated.

🖤