How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? We'll never know because after he screws something, he pays it $130,000 not to tell anyone...
What do you call 2 guys sitting on top of a window? Kurt and Rod.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn't. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
If 1+1 makes 2, 2x2 makes 4, 3x3 makes 9, how come 0x0 makes gravy? File under jokes Americans don't understand :)
🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a tongue that never speaks, a throat that never swallows, and I sing without a mouth. I am played but never touched. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.
My wife prefers the stairs while I prefer the elevator. It's okay though; we were just raised differently...
I'm cranky with my neighbor today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast. I wouldn't mind normally, but it was all night long.
🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a face that never frowns, hands that never hold, and numbers that never count. I hang on walls but walk nowhere. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!
Jellyfish have survived 650 million years without a brain, so there is still hope for politicians.
Well, to be Frank... I'd have to change my name.
🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a tongue that cannot taste, a sole that cannot walk, and a lace that never comes undone. I protect your feet from the ground but wear out over time. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!
Ever wonder if Kevin Bacon ever considered naming a son Chris P. Bacon?
I often feel like I have too many things I want to improve at the same time.
Career, health, learning new skills, relationships, personal projects, cleaning, finances, reading, family relationship— all of them feel important, but I don’t have enough energy to seriously focus on everything.
When I try to push hard in one area, the others start slipping. When I try to balance everything, I end up doing a little bit of everything but not making real progress anywhere.
For people who manage multiple responsibilities well, how do you decide what gets your full attention and what stays in “maintenance mode”?
Do you rotate priorities by week/month, keep a fixed routine, or accept that some areas will slow down for a while?
What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm? One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought; the other one actually shows up when it rains.
I have a statistics joke, but it's not significant.
I hate my job as a waiter. But it puts food on the table.
Imagine a faith so empty and fake that you want to bring prayer into school, but not free lunches for hungry kids.