How do you move on/heal from a breakup when YOU were the problem?
I’m hoping people take the time to reach this post.
For context: I (26M) recently got out a 2 year relationship, she broke up with me 3 months ago. She was just about everything you could ask for in a girl. She was kind, smart, pretty, empathetic, loving, caring, she loved me organically and authentically. She always wanted to be by my side and was proud to stand next to me. To be honest, she had nothing wrong with her, she was the full package. She was never anything but good to me.
However, I did not treat her the same. What has become apparent to me now after a lot of reflection (I’ve started therapy, i’ve learned about attachment styles, I’ve listened to podcasts, etc…) is that I definitely showed a lot of avoidant tendencies. I never truly felt relaxed unless I was by myself and doing things independently. I usually felt I had my guard up around her and would shut down like a baby if she said anything I didn’t like. I was stressed, and I don’t know why. Additionally, I was very judgmental in the relationship about her and others. I said some pretty terrible things, some of the things I said I don’t even believe, I don’t know why I said them. To a degree, I just don’t feel I was ever fully “myself” when around her. I’m sure the stress/pressure to the commitment of potential marriage played a role in why I acted certain ways. For the record, I never abused her (physically or emotionally). I acted differently around her than anyone else in my life. Everyone else sees the fun/joyful side of me, she only ever got to see the serious/tense side of me. The odd thing is, even in the moment, I knew I was not acting myself around her but I always just thought i’ll wake up better tomorrow, fixed. I hurt the person I loved the most.
Yes, I know, I’m a POS. I’m currently living with an indescribable amount of pain, sadness, regret, and emptiness. I wish she knew how sorry and remorseful I am. She absolutely deserved better than the way I treated her. I wish I could go back in time. I genuinely want to change, as I never want to treat another girl the same way I treated her. It’s been 3 months and she still shows up in my dreams. She is the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I hate myself for it.
Now for my question to you all (and would seriously like to hear and will read every single reply): How do you move on/heal from a breakup when YOU were the problem? Reddit if full of people who hate their ex, full of people who put accountability on their ex, but what about someone like myself who is the reason for the failure in the relationship? I’m the one who messed up, I’m the one who fell short, I’m the one who treated the other so poorly, I’m the one who hurt the other, I was the problem…