r/BreakUps30Plus

I (M45) met my girlfriend K (F32) around 8 years ago. She was a singer in a band I used to play guitar and sing with. I had already left the band when she joined, but we started talking through Instagram.

From the beginning, I felt there was mutual attraction and flirting. I tried to keep contact with her, but for almost 3 years things were very inconsistent. She would agree to meet, but in reality we would only see each other once every couple of months. During that period we both had other relationships as well, so I never pressured her or expected commitment from her.

Eventually, after almost 3 years of this push-pull dynamic, we finally got together officially. For the next 4 years, our relationship felt very strong. We had similar humor, shared music interests, deep emotional connection, chemistry, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. She often told me I was her “other half,” and after years of uncertainty, I finally felt emotionally safe with someone.

At some point, she left her old band because the environment there was toxic. Through musician friends of mine, I helped her join one of the most famous live bands in Greece. She became one of the singers there, and professionally things started going much better for her.

But this also slowly changed our lifestyle. Because of rehearsals, performances, late-night work, weekends away, and events, we almost completely lost our weekends together. For the last couple of years, we barely had time for vacations or quality time as a couple.

Then, about a year ago, I bought a small apartment as an investment and started renovating it. The renovation turned into a difficult and stressful process: problematic neighbors, unreliable workers, and constant issues. I became very anxious and mentally exhausted. That atmosphere definitely affected our relationship and our home life.

Around that same period, our sex life also became less frequent. Looking back now, I can see that this deeply affected her emotionally, although at the time I underestimated how important it was to her.

About 6 months ago, I started noticing that she was gradually changing. She became colder, less affectionate, emotionally distant, less interested in intimacy, and generally detached from me. At first, I thought she was simply exhausted from balancing a daytime job and singing professionally at night.

I repeatedly asked her if something was wrong, but she mostly avoided deeper conversations. The only serious thing she said was: “How long has it been since we had sex? Is this how things are going to be from now on?”

I told her that I understood her frustration and that I had been under extreme stress lately, but that things would improve soon once the apartment situation settled down. I also told her that communication was important, and that if something was missing emotionally or sexually, we should openly discuss it instead of letting distance grow between us.

Unfortunately, instead of communicating, she kept emotionally withdrawing more and more.

A few months later, she asked for “some space” and temporarily moved back to her parents’ house. Even then, during weekdays she still came to my apartment sometimes, so I thought maybe we were simply going through a difficult phase and trying to reset things slowly.

But emotionally, she already seemed gone.

Recently, while she was on tour in the US with the band, I discovered messages on Instagram that revealed she had been having an ongoing sexual relationship for months with one of the musicians in the band.

When I confronted her, at first she denied it, but eventually admitted everything after pressure. What hurt me the most is that during all these months, while I was desperately trying to fix the relationship, understand what was wrong, improve myself, and reconnect with her emotionally, she was already emotionally and sexually involved with someone else.

I asked her if there was any possibility for us to seriously try again and rebuild things after all this. She told me very clearly that she does not want to continue the relationship and “cannot” try again.

What confuses me is that she insists she is not leaving me for him. According to her, the relationship with him “is not something serious,” and the real reason she wants to leave is because her feelings for me changed over time and she no longer feels the same emotional connection she once did.

Part of me understands that relationships can deteriorate under stress, emotional neglect, lack of intimacy, and distance. I know I was not emotionally present enough during the last year because I was consumed by anxiety and problems.

But another part of me struggles deeply with the fact that instead of honestly communicating or leaving cleanly, she chose to slowly detach while keeping me emotionally invested, hopeful, and trying to save the relationship — all while secretly building another connection behind my back.

Right now I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore: Was she emotionally gone long before I discovered the affair? Did the affair become an escape from an already dying relationship? Or did the affair itself gradually destroy whatever feelings she still had for me?

I know nobody here can read her mind. I’m just trying to understand how situations like this usually evolve psychologically, because right now I feel like the person I knew completely disappeared.

At the moment, I am not functioning well emotionally. I think about her constantly and I struggle to let go of hope that things might still change. A part of me keeps imagining that once she is back from touring and returns to everyday life without me, she might reconsider or feel differently about what she has done and what we had. Even though I also intellectually understand that this may just be my mind trying to avoid accepting the finality of the situation, I cannot fully shut that hope down yet. I am stuck between acceptance and emotional attachment, and it is affecting my sleep, focus, and overall mental stability.

I apologize for the length of this before I even start.

I have been on and off with someone for the last 9 years. I ended it 2 years ago no contact for 10 months and that was the longest I’d ever gone without him. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Ffwd to last July. After those 10 months I accepted his invitation to meet for a drink (he would still intermittently reach out every few months).
From that night on we were inseparable. It seemed as if we both grew emotionally in the time apart and he offered to do everything that had been lacking all the years we’d been together. He bought me a promise ring and he would have me over to his house all the time and I finally met his parents! He was sending me flowers and we would go out to dinner and would constantly text and talk and do all the things you do when you’re in love.
Ffwd to September. I got pregnant. We were very happy.
At the tail end of October I was supposed to go to his brothers wedding with him to meet his whole family. And then I suffered a miscarriage.
I was devastated and broken from it. It was a day or 2 before the wedding and I made a decision not to go because I was a wreck and I didn’t know what I would be going though physically.
He got drunk and barely text me while at the wedding while I was home in such a poor emotional state.
Since then nothing was the same. He stopped ever having me over to his house. He didn’t let me see his parents anymore even though I knew they were asking about me. Our time together was less and less as were our conversations.
Ffwd to April. Things are at an all time low and I told him if things didn’t get better I would have to leave. All these months I’d been telling him I’m hurt and what was bothering me and he would always say I’ll fix it and didn’t. He never had me back to his house and our texts became almost robot like. All he would do is ask me how my day was and if I ate. We started to barely see each other.We’d never speak about getting married anymore or the future at all. Or genuinely anything if I’m being honest. I found myself constantly crying to him communicating that something was wrong and he’d tell me no it’s not. Everytime I’d ask he’d tell me he wanted this but there was no effort on his part no attention no affection no love.
Here we are in May and I told him I’m done. Crying and begging for the bare minimum? I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like I was going mental. Everytime I’d ask what was going on or why things were different or what I did wrong I’d never get an answer
It hurts a lot and I’m hoping I made the right decision.

My (37) girlfriend (39) broke up with me in December 2025, mainly due to some frustrations over our communication styles and her feeling like I wasn't giving her enough access into my life etc. She has some unresolved trauma from a previous relationship, whereby her ex was married and hid this from her and I think some of my behaviours triggered memories of that. We had been together for two and a half years and had many happy times together. There was never any infidelity or nastiness at all on either side.

Since that point, we fell into a holding pattern whereby we were still messaging each other every day (saying good morning and good night each day, asking about work/life) and also meeting up pretty much every week for dinner, drinks or a walk etc. After every meeting, we'd both say how lovely it was to see each other and sometimes message to say we missed each other. However, we didn't manage to rekindle the full romantic relationship as such but I think both of us still wanted that to happen and it felt almost as if we were still involved with one another - I certainly wasn't trying to find someone else. The holding pattern kind of dented the confidence we had in the relationship and things eventually came to a head last month.

She became more distant/withdrawn and eventually we met up for a walk and she told me that she no longer wanted to try for our relationship. I was devastated and tried to convince her that there were things we/I could do that would make the situation a lot better and more secure. She agreed to think about things for another couple of days but ultimately sent me a long breakup message in mid-April, saying that she was at the point of complete emotional burnout and that her own unresolved relationship traumas had been weighing on her more than she realised. She did say that what we shared was special and rare but that she believed the healthiest path for both of us was to bring the romantic relationship to a final end.

I replied to say that I was heartbroken but understood. I couldn't just leave it though, because of the strength of my feelings for this lady. So after 10 days, I reached out to let her know that I'd been doing a lot of honest reflection on where we were (which I had) and that I realised I wasn't giving her the security she needed. I invited her to join me for a drink at a bar we had always spoken about going to.

I fully expected her reply to be a continuation of her final message from earlier in the month, but to my surprise, she didn't reaffirm that it was the end for us and she didn't ask me to leave her alone or move on. Instead, she said it was really good to hear from me and that it meant a lot to her to know that I'd been thinking through things so honestly. She said she'd thought a lot about my drink invitation but that she is still in a place of deep emotional burnout and needs to stay in the space she has carved out for herself for her own healing. She went on to say that because of that, a drink wouldn't feel right for her at this stage and she needs to focus on her own well-being for now.

I replied to say I understand and respect the space she needs. She sent a short reply to thank me for being understanding (but also a reply that essentially killed the conversation). That was a week and a half ago and there hasn't been any further contact.

Now I'm really unsure what to do or how to feel? Should I take hope from the fact that she used positive language in her reply to my drink offer and said things like "at this stage" and "for now". It seemed to me (who is admittedly desperate to see positive signs) that there was a shift from the finality of her previous message. Am I reading too much into those phrases, as being potential temporal language, i.e. that she might feel differently in the future and the door is perhaps slightly ajar? She's not a cruel person, so if she already knew that she never wanted to see me again, I don't think she would say things about my reflections meaning a lot to her etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation with an ex who is in burnout? Was there any approach that helped? Any advice is gratefully received. I really love this lady and know that we can have something special together, but I have to get through the barriers she has now put up.

I am a 64 year old Englishman. I am not retired , I work full time.

She is a 51 year old Canadian with one daughter.

We have been communicating for best part of two years and profanity, in both directions was part of what we had, as were the very intimate videos and pictures that we exchanged. We spoke several times a day, always expressing love for each other.

We both discussed a life together,I'd have run to her in a heartbeat ,and she knows that.I was truly in love with her. I never said things would be perfect.

I was not aware that she didn't find me attractive, whereas I found her irresistible.

What I have found out recently has crushed me beyond explanation, but it has at least reinforced my belief that you can't trust anyone.

Don't give your heart to anyone unless you want it well and truly breaking.