r/Estherperel

How much of “you” did you actually choose?

Oh man. I'm sure some commenters will blast this caller for being a doormat or the like.

But I wanted to give her a huge hug. I was in a relationship with an extremely similar dynamic for six years. It can be harder to extricate yourself from this kind of situation than many think.

I was struck by the myriad specific, factual examples she was desperately fielding of ways her partner hurt her. In case the caller is reading this—lovely woman: in a good relationship, you simply won’t feel the need to marshal evidence like that. Your feelings are not something you have to justify like a case before a court. That doesn’t mean others have to accept them. But they don’t need to be proven to a jury.

You are on trial every minute of every day with this partner. The trial is rigged, because he is both the prosecutor and the judge.

I actually can believe your partner is a good person in some ways, as you say. But he is not being good to you. He is preying on you—your kindness—and carefully and comprehensively making you feel you can do no better than him. That your pathologies mean that relationships will always be like this for you, and your best hope is a partner who magnanimously points them out all the time, like him. He’s miring you in a stunted space of terrifying insecurity so he doesn’t have to be alone with it—locating problems in you so he doesn’t have to witness them in himself.

Whether he’s consciously doing it or not doesn’t matter. But if you stay, you will lose your health. It doesn’t have to be like this. I was also in my mid-30s when I left. You will find someone else who appreciates your obvious curiosity about and attentiveness toward others and respects and admires your strength.

This episode really resonated with me. I'm the eldest daughter in a an immigrant household of South Asian descent. I moved to the U.S. at 5 years old. My mom has been a stay at home mom and my dad has worked multiple jobs to support the family.

I was also heavily parentified and am now in my early 30s and i'm completely burntout. I thought as I got older my mom would be more independent, but unfortunately she never took care of her health so now she needs more caregiving. There is a lot of guilt, shame, and obligation embedded in the culture and community where you are expected to play this role for your parents. While some arranged marriages are healthy, a lot are extremely high conflict and include domestic violence. If there are other children involved, you'll be a mother to them as well.

Unfortunately, the only way to deal with this (for me) is to get the other family members to step up and help or go completely no contact.

Anyone else relate or have thoughts on this?

does anyone have a link to this that is not behind a paywall? im really curious what esther’s theory on this is