r/Ex_Foster

How did you find out about it and how did it affect you?

Trigger warnings for Sexual Assault, Racism and Suicide Attempt

I (32 M) entered the foster care system at the age of 8. Both of my parents were imprisoned, dad for murder and mom for a federal financial crimes. I lived in a loving family despite the circumstances, was shown and told I was loved and felt valued as a kid. No family could take me in at the time so I found myself tossed into the system.

I vividly remember the last day I felt like a kid, walking up the steps of a locked group home facility after our home had been raided by US Marshalls, with a black trash bag of everything that was mine at the time. Clothing, toiletries, a few loose Pokemon cards, hot wheels, my favorite blanket and a Gameboy Advance with a few games. I was processed, all my things searched, my Gameboy taken and locked in a cabinet and I was pushed to take a shower as if I were dirty. I was confused, scared, and felt like I did something wrong to be here.

The facility i was placed in was in the same neighborhood I lived in, so I went to the same school. We were only allowed to go outside for school and school activities. Although nothing in my educational progress changed just my living circumstances, I was taken out of my regular classes with peer interaction and placed IEP where I was isolated from anything that was an anchor to me. I would then go back to a facility that was not a home to be more isolated. The staff were college students rather than trained professionals so there was high turn over and no relationship building. I became very emotionally aware and would often lie to compensate for my lack of stability in life and to fit in better or stay silent and observe. This was the start of a very nasty habit that would haunt me in my early years.

I stayed in this facility for 2.5years. On 2 occasions during this time I was placed in homes for a "weekend visit" and felt like i was audtioning for a home. Real orphanage vibes. The first home visit was a very young white couple who had 2 infant children of their own and treated me poorly. Over the 2 days they did not feed me the same food they ate, would not let me sit on certain furniture as to not dirty it, and chastised me for not wanting to spend time with the family. At the time I had never noticed racism but knew I was being treated differently. I returned back to the facility with relief that I wouldn't stay there permanently but didn't say anything to anyone about my experience.

The second home I visited felt so much more inviting as i didn't have a great frame of reference. The family was a white couple in their early 40s with a child a few years younger than me. They took me out to dinner and we went to the local patk which was awesome for me due to not being able to play outside. They seemed truly interested in me and my success. I spent a weekend with them and returned to the facility where I would ultimately return to this home 6 months later. This is a good time to mention at 11 years old I was 5'5 230lbs. I was very obese as food was the only comfort I could somewhat control. The day they picked me up I gathered my trash bag and moved into their home. The first conversation we had was about food, food consumption and why being healthy is important and i was given the family fitness pass to the local club. I was given my own bedroom and prepared to start the 5th grade at a new school.

I was not prepared for what was next. Everyday before school I would wake up at 4:30am and my foster father would take me to the local gym to jog 3 miles, do light strength and cardio, and swim where I would then go to school from 7-4. Nothing felt weird but I didn't see it at the time. Over the course of 6 months I lost 80lbs. I would shower in the communal showers at the end of the workout which meant showering with my foster father and his friends as there were no individual stalls. I was also only allowed to use the shower in the basement at home as "the upstairs bathroom with a tub is for kids". I gave push pack to this because the basement shower was in a random back room and it was cold and too open. I didn't know how to ask for help because I didn't know what was happening was wrong until someone stepped in on my behalf. A former NBA player who lived and attend college in my city worked out at the same athletic club. He got on a treadmill next to me one day after many weeks of seeing me there, suspicious of the child in the gym everyday and asked about my story so I told hem the best I could at the time. I truly think that he was the only person in the gym who saw me as the child I was as we were the only brown faces. He invited me and my case worker to a basketball game where he was being honored without the foster family. After the game he and my caseworker had a long conversation. 3 days later I was told to pack up my trash bag as I am no longer in the care of that home and sent back to the facility until a suitable place was found for me. Later to find out I was one of many victims of SA and CP with no real recourse as their was no follow up after my removal so it happened to more kids.

Still ignorant at the time, I was unburddend with the trauma and was excited to start 6th grade as I am in good shape, incredibly charismatic and I have curated a solid personality from my circumstances so I felt socially leagues ahead of everyone becuse I was. I wanted a family that I could stay with more permanently and truly be part of said family. My case worker placed me quickly without much forethought which leads me to my last placement.

The last placement was with a younger couple in their mid 20's at the time with a newborn infant. The day thay i arrived on their doorstep i was terrified. I was in an all white town where everyone stared at me and was expected to assimilate. So I adapted and did try to assimilate but his would be ther start of micro and macro aggressions. I had my own plan. I didn't feel attached to really anyone but I want to attend one school from 6th-12th so that I could have a good chance a going to college and building a solid friend networking. I was treated like a kid for about a month then the script changed. I was expected to make myself small so they could focus on their own children. I am a very agreeable, well tempered person so I never said no to anything that was asked of me and I was this way for a long time as I thought if I don't make myself useful I will be sent back to a facility. My foster parents absolutely exploited this and I became a somewhat of a in-house maid. They were never physically abusive but were emotionally. 6-8 grade was a blur as I was focused on social survival and day to day life. I was placed on lithium by a physician whom was close friends witt my foster parents as it was assumed that I must have mental instability due to my life circumstances. During this time period my foster parents had another child. So its me at 13, a 2 year old and another infant. The natural stress from new parenthood was often taken out on me for small infractions by passive aggressive means. If they felt i wasn't helping enough they would deprive me of attention or celebrationof sucesses. Everything became an expectation rather than a celebration. I compartmentalized and dealt with it.

Then high school started and the racism began heavy. It seemed the more success I encountered the worse the racism was at home. I went to an almost all white high school with kids made up of many small towns. Not only did I stand out because I was black but my family circumstances were no secret. Despite this I excelled. I was taken off the IEP and placed into honors classes and AP classes. I got involved in student government and music related extracurricular activities and became incredibly popular becuse I truly took an interest in every individual because I remeber what it was like to be invisible. The day i graduated the only people there specifically for me were my peers. No one from my adoptive family showed up. No one from my biological family either. I graduated with honors, was homecoming king, prom king, and student body president. I was told by my foster parents I was arrogant, uppity, and that they didn't understand why people liked me so much. They bullied me for my hair, lack of knowledge of white history, the way I spoke (axed vs asked) ect, my dislike of country music. They would tell me that I would end up like my dad in a cell rotting. And the most egregious is "you would have been hung if you had stolen from us 100 years ago". There was rarely the intentions of betterment mostly ridicule. On one occasion someone broke into our neighborhood during the holidays and when questioned by the police they inferred I may have something to do with it becuse we were both black. I was questioned but obviously knew nothing and also had my things taken. On another occasion I was outright called monkey during a sporting event with giggles from both sayingit was harmless. I was not a child to them but a potential threat as a black man.

When I was old enough to drive thats when I was expected to help with the kids and the adultification started. Foster parents leave at 6:45am. I would wake up at 6:30am and watch the kids from 7-8 feed them breakfast and make sure they were ready for daycare before I would then shower, get myself ready, clean, drop off the kids then then head to school. I started legally working the day I turned 14 with a work permit for their family catering business. I was happy to have a job but was chastised if school work or house work fell behind or if i wanted to hang out with my friends. I was working until 1-2am on weekends from the ages of 14-18 and was often told to clock out at 9pm but id be paid for the hours I worked. I was not ever paid for those hours and when I complained i was told tk be greatful I have employment. I now know this violated child labor laws at the time. I absolutely loved school becuse i didn't have to be home and I felt genuinely welcomed by my peers and teacher but couldn't follow through on social obligations.

My weekends off were volunteered to their family members and friends for me to help with pysical labor, or babysit, or moving hay from the field to the barn, for free. I would always say yes and never complain because i was , but was seething inside as I know what my labor is worth with a real w2 job evenif i was not being fulluy paid for the hours I worked. It all came to a head when I asked for an allowance for the morning shift of watching the boys. They blew up and said it was my responsibility to contribute to the family. I told them I wasn't going to do it anymore so they paid a neighbor girl a year younger than me $100 a week to do what i did for free. In my frustrations I started to steal small amounts of cash left around the house from my foster parents as i felt that my labor was not worth anything because I was not part of the family so i had to reclaim something. Anytime i asked for something, a meal out, a trip to goodwill, the answer was no or its not in the budget unless I'm spending the money i made. This was was selfish of me but i felt justified at the time. They would always find out I'd taken money due to nanny cams that i didn't know about until years later and I'd have to pay back twice the amount taken.

Then shit hits the fan. While i was already feeling overwhelmed, one of my friends very near to me died suddenly in her sleep. We spent everyday that summer together and she was a real rock during this time. My foster parents didn't let me go to her wake as I was grounded for driving to here house to grieve with her mom without telling them. I snapped when I returned home and decided that death was a more comforting option than the life I was living. So I waited until the family left, took every pill I could find in the house drove to a gravel back road and tried to OD. I woke up a week later in the hospital pissed that it didn't work. I haven't been the same since that day, but I put on the mask and keep it pushing. My foster parents did not ever ask or really bring it up after I returned home but they did offer to adopt me so I could have some of the fiscal burden lifted when I go to college. I agreed as i was in a medical haze from the Lithium and other SSRI due to the attempt. Big mistake on my part.

I went to court to petition to have parental rights terminated. My mom was there as she had recently been paroled and was putting her life back together in a halfway house. I was coached on what to say during the hearing. When I took the stand I looked at the note sheet I was given. I said awful things that day to someone whom loved me unconditionally to conform to people who saw me as a useful tool. My mom gave up her legal parental rights because I asked her to, I was adopted and I feel guilty about this everyday.

Shortly before my 18th birthday the big falling out happened. I was halfway through my senior year and accepted to a state college with a substantial scholarship. I applied to multiple schools and was accepted at all i applied to. I did all of the leg work myself applying, filling out FAFSA, connecting with the appropriate resources which meant my adoptive parents would not have any fiscal responsibility over my schooling becuse I was classified as an independent. I started working a new job and taking classes as a community college for dual credit which meant less time at home. This was a problem as they realized they would soon loose control and their own family members started to call out the way I was treated so I said I'm done and moved out. On my way out i wanted to leave emotional damage so I took a bracelet that was purchased to celebrate a wedding anniversary and threw it in the backyard brush. Unbeknownst to me at the time the bracelet was worth over 1k. They emailed all of our community explaining what happened and I was immediately blacklisted from the entire network I'd spent so much time building and hit with a barrage of rascist comments from people who trusted to watch their children or house sit but now saw me as a monster.

I moved out and went no contact, bummed it for the summer until College started. I move into the dorms and a few weeks later the local PD calls my personal cell asking me to surrender myself at the jail as I'm being charged with Felony Theft for the bracelet incident. I admit my guilt

I'm crushed, I know its my fault but still feel hurt that they would wait until I was 18 and starting college to report the theft. I turn myself in and the judge is the same one whom did my adoption. He tells me how disappointed he is with me and let's me go with a small bond. I finish my first semester with C, Ds and start to fall apart. I have no one i can talk or reach out for help so I just push through it. Spring semester im on academic probation. I go to court take a plea deal sentenced to probation and halfway house. I finished out the semester while at the halfway house. Summer comes I leave school and with it goes my scholarship, internship, and job. Start working at a warehouse for minimum wage and going to therapy 3 times a week. I was the most miserable I'd had been but didn't want to leave life so I knew I was making progress.

There I was at 21 feeling like I'd lived multiple full life's already. My childhood was stolen by no fault of my own and now I'd surrendered my early adulthood by by own had from a brash decision. I felt like a middle man. I was broke, a new brandished Felony on my record, and none of the previous achievements mattered. I couldn't find a place to live, and did not have a car. I was out of shape from stress eating, i started to loose my hair and stopped picking up phone calls because my friends couldn't understand what i was going through. I kept my head down, cut myself off from everyone and finished probation. When I was released from probation I got on greyhound with a backpack and vital documents and just rode around the country for a few years homeless and lost, working odd jobs, not knowing how to enjoy the freedom that is my life. I suffered instead of asking anyone for help and some nights were hard. Here I am 11 years later still trying to figure it out. But I think I've got a better hold on things.

I lost my ability to be open and trusting, I didn't pursue good opportunities that came my way and self sabotaged becuse i didn't think I deserved happiness or stability because it's so unfamiliar. I suffer from imposter syndrome even though I know I am enough. I push away those who want lasting platonic or romantic relationships becuse I don't know how to just exist as my authentic self. I don't own any real possessions because everything to me is just extra baggage not sentimental. Others enjoy my presence but I feel so alone. I feel like no one truly knows me as I've not had a relationship with anyone in my life longer than 8 years. I'm a bit broken from trauma but thats OK.

The fight is not over though. I have so many good qualities and I'm slowly gaining back the confidence I've lost. I am kind and empathetic. I am adaptable and capable. I am able bodied and I have been blessed enough to not be plagued with addictions. I have very little debt and live within my means and I have desirable employment skills. But most importantly I am enough for myself. My life was just a little different in development which makes me a little different. I may still be struggling now but I've come so far and have so much further to go as I know my future is destined for more and that there are people out there that love me and enjoy my being, known and unknown.

When I was 9 my biological mother lied and claimed that I had molested my younger sister who I was the primary caregiver to to cover up the fact that she severely abused me alongside her husband at the time.

I was then placed with my abusive grandparents who carried out the same controlling methods i experienced from ages 5 to 9. I was never allowed my own phone or to go out and see my friends. I was treated as a bad child and I never knew why. I was never believed.

I was then placed in homeless accommodation at 16 where I was attacked, have had my things stolen, had to leave my sixth form, been placed with mice.

There are external hardships like poverty and neglect and then there’s this. Pure targeted cruelty. I’ve never had a normal childhood or life. I had to drop out of school. Social services did not protect me and sided with the abuser.

Nobody truly understands how this feels because most people experience a break some time in their life. I’ve experienced every kind of abuse. I don’t even know why people are born just to be abused.

Sometimes it’s okay to step back and say things like these can’t be overcame.

Told foster parents the whole getting attached marketing nonsense is literally crap and it's okay if they don't attach to us or foster kids don't attach to them and hell blew over. Seriously, strangers attaching to each other isn't natural or normal. If foster kids treat foster homes like a hotel who cares. If foster parents don't attach well humans can't help how we feel. It's not natural to attach to kids who aren't yours anyway. It's harsh but true. As long as you show respect and kindness you can model healthy relationships but these people always need validation with some sort of attachment. I also don't agree with attachment theory in foster care because some of us just never attach no matter who the foster parent is. It's a lie that every kid will attach as long as you love them and feed them. We can't help how we feel. We can't help who we attach or don't attach to.

Anyways. I brought this up because I spent some of the summer with a host family. I also did study abroad and that was an interesting experience as a former kid as well.

But the difference with a host family and going abroad is night and day to foster care.

The host family I was with was wonderful to the point it triggered me. Like these people went out of their way to get to actually know me. They even did their best to help me celebrate 4th of July despite not celebrating themselves because nobody gaf about July 4 but USA. They tried to cook meals I would like and find ingredients and foods I was familiar with. The language barrier was apparent but they tried to learn some English words to make me feel comfortable while teaching me their language. They wanted me to decorate my room how I wanted to and even brought a few things they thought I would like.

I was actually treated like a fucking human being who didn't have to attach or change myself to fit in. Even meal times didn't feel that bad because they were interested in me as a person, the American with my own perspective and values. They even showed me around town1 and taught me how to use the metro and showed their cultural traditions while learning about mine. They thought some of it was really cool and they even mentioned wanting to try some of it.

Now it triggered me because most of the time in foster care we are expected to be grateful and give up everything about ourselves to meet the needs of foster parents. Like seriously, foster parents refuse to even cook the child's favorite meal, celebrate the child's family traditions or what they are familiar with, and bitch and complain how awful it is to change for a foster kid because it's too difficult for them as grown adults. O the foster child wants a snack at 3am because of food issues or wants to sleep with a nightlight or TV on but it's banned because in foster homes you are there to be molded to fit into the foster family not the foster family fitting you.

Yet this host family was wonderful to me yet at the same time triggered me as a foster youth because how come foster parents get paid to take us in and my host family got paid to take me in, yet the host family treated me as a human being with my own thinking and culture but my foster parents couldn't even do that?

I was in a strangers home in another country but was treated with such respect and dignity. And yet in America I was bounced around for not meeting expectations. The host family went out of their way to make foods I liked, tried to celebrate a holiday they didn't even know about, and was interested about me. And being in their home started to get so depressing even though I was happy because I realized how awful many of my foster homes truly were to the point they broke me. If a host family can treat me like this why can't foster families?

It truly shows how people see foster kids and how foster care is marketed.

And I wasn’t expected to attach to strangers in my host family. I wasn't expected to give up my identity to fit into theirs. Simply put it, I don't know how host families are trained but the fact they can welcome differences in their home without expecting anything in return is pretty damn amazing to me.

Im 17 in foster care in wales and get benifits. I dont know why but my cares still have control over jt and get defensive about it when ever i express that I thjnk I should have control over it since im moving out at 18.

They use manipulation alot to get there way and I didnt realise until my friend pointed it out. My friend told me about one of there friends and the fact there cares prep them for independent living which included managing money.

My cares dont explain stuf properly and then use the fact I misunderstood as a way to show they was right which made me make mistakes with my money in the past that i learnt from.

Right now I want to get control of my benifits because I need to learn to drive ASAP because of collage and me wanting to get a job .

But my cares keep saying they have to be my adviser or something when if I had control over it I could just do everything my self instead of going through like 3 people

Sorry for wording this poorly and rambling alot.

Is this situation normal and what can I do about it.

Hey guys, this is my first time posting. I’m 34F residing in Australia and went into the foster care system when I was around 11 years old. I had been ruminating lately about my time in care and a few questions have been on my mind in regards to displacement of fosters.

I was moved around a lot as a kid and I was never really sure why. I’d start settling in to a new family, get comfortable, maybe start forming bonds and then was suddenly pulled and placed elsewhere. My mother had her rights terminated by the courts so I was a lifer in the system. It wasn’t a temporary thing.

My experience in care wasn’t all bad… there where some nice carers and stuff but as time progressed on I kept getting into worse and worse placements. The older I got I seemed to get shoved into these group homes for girls and eventually at 15 I was shoved into something called independent living where I’d essentially be living in my own place and occasionally have social workers drop by to check on me. At aged 18 I aged out of the system and got booted on the street and waved goodbye.

I wasn’t a troubled or bad kid at all. I constantly got complimented by carers and social workers saying how lovely and nice and mature I was. I was always grateful to my carers for taking me in and I always treated them with respect. I didn’t have any behavioural issues. Just standard human child issues. I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, I didn’t run away, I never talked back to my carers, never smashed the place up or swore or anything.

Even though I have fond memories of my carers I actually started to dig deep into my memories and realised perhaps they didn’t like me as much as I thought they did. I was always getting in trouble for little things… eg;

1. I used the wrong set of sheets and got scolded by my foster mum because they where her “special sheets” (I didn’t know this, I just grabbed them out of the linen cupboard)
2. Foster mother trashed my room whilst I was at school to stage a break and enter and stole my CD player and CDs in order to teach me a lesson because I forgot to lock my bedroom window.
3. A respite carer came to her with false allegations of extreme behaviour I apparently did and foster mother believed her and punished me for it. I begged her to believe me but she didn’t.

These are just some examples and I know you’re probably thinking “well, you must have had some behavioural issues or she wouldn’t have gotten rid of you”, but I can honestly say I wasn’t a bad kid at all.

I thought when you signed up to be a foster parent you were suppose to commit to the kid? I thought that you weren’t suppose to give up on kids for doing… regular kid stuff… I keep tracing back memories to try and find some kind of bad behaviour that would make a foster carer give up on me but I honestly can’t.

What’s everyone else’s experience with displacements? Why did they happen? I’d love to hear from other foster kids out there.

Current foster youth.

If your 17 (mind way beyond years but anyway)

if your 17 and disabled (just for reference)

what should you expect from fostor “parents” and the home and to be provided?

I feel like I don’t even get basic needs met at times and I’m so confused of it all.

what should I expect, I don’t know what to do. this lady is getting THOUSANDS from me ALONE per MONTH!!! I wish I could own at least half the income so I could buy my needs I feel like if I was in public I would end up stealing due to feeling like I don’t have my needs and wants etc

btw this lady is using me for money and someone has been open and told me “it’s her job” ”she fosters as a job” it’s genuinely gross

I plan to go back to my home immediately my current case is exactly like take care of maya my case is active medical kidnapping and system is changing reasons and holding onto any little thing to keep me in “care” I have a abusive case manager I think she’s a big problem and I hope to get rid of her to do what I need to do. but main thing it’s clear ”care” here fucking sucks and is way worse than what I would recive at my home. If I’m keep in care till 18 I plan to leave here a few days after my birthday and go back to my home and never come in this house EVER again. It’s disqusting.