i’m so tired of always being the second thought
i’ve been carrying this feeling for months and it’s getting heavier. i already prioritize myself and work on self-love. that part isn’t missing. the problem is that even with all of that i still feel like i’m no one’s first choice in friendships or anything else. i’m never the person someone thinks of first. never the priority or favorite. just the one who’s maybe considered if nothing better is happening.
late at night it gets worse. the ache gets heavier and the thoughts start spinning. maybe i’m not putting enough effort into relationships? or maybe i’m putting too much and should back off? it’s this constant back and forth and i genuinely don’t know what i’m supposed to do
you can choose people as your favorites and put in all the effort, but that doesn’t mean they’ll choose you back. i just want someone who actually reciprocates. someone who thinks of me first. someone who would put me as their emergency contact. the person they’d pick over everyone else
instead i’m always on the sidelines. the second thought. the backup option. and it feels so isolating that it starts making me wonder if something about me is just… off. the way i come across, my personality or whatever
i do initiate and sometimes more than the other person most of the time. and before anyone says “just stop initiating” i already try that. it only means i get forgotten for longer
i just want to be someone’s first thought for once be it platonic or romantic and not an afterthought. it has been eating at me and i’m tired