r/HighConflictCoparents

SOS.. please do not come after me. I am a (soon to be) step parent in a crap situation that keeps getting worse when it was supposed to be at least a little better by now. Feeling hopeless and like the justice system is not holding my fiance’s coparent accountable.

My fiancé and his ex share a 6yo son. Over a year ago now mom wanted to relocate with the child to another state. She did not notify my fiance until 2 weeks prior. The state was 900 miles away from where we live currently. When my fiance said he was not comfortable with that she held onto their son and did not allow him to see/hear from the child for nearly 3 months. (They did not have a formal agreement prior to this therefore he could do nothing until a judge intervened) At a temporary custody hearing it was determined that since the child had been with mom primarily for months at that point that she would retain primary custody for the remainder of the time until trial. The judge, however, did reprimand her and state that she should not have held the child away from my fiance.
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After over a year of waiting for trial my fiance and his HCBM finally went to court shortly into the new year. Judge did not allow her to relocate. Their new custody order stated 50/50 would be best for their child with mom retaining the tie breaker (lawyer suspected this was to help give her enough rope to hang herself so-to-speak). Within the order, it states that this 50/50 arrangement only works due to the close proximity of the parents to one another (approx 40 miles). However, less than a week after the trial HCBM requested a relocation be approved to an entirely separate location that is 200+ miles away. It was denied. A day later a second request for the same move was requested. The judge stated it would go to hearing but put HCBM on notice and stated ‘if it is not found warranted this party shall pay all legal costs and lawyer fees, etc’. Fiance thought this would be the end of it until the hearing but no. She messaged him saying to drop the child off in the area of the proposed move for drop off. He asked if she moved. She said “well yeah I told you I was going to??!” My fiancé and his lawyer began getting the necessary documentation in place to request the move not be approved instantly. An emergency hearing has been put into place, lawyer did not file for contempt though.

I need advice or encouragement for my fiance and I as we go through this. He is afraid that the 50/50 custody he fought hard to get back after she was awarded temporary primary custody last year will be stripped from him before we even got a chance to enjoy more time with their child again.

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We got to call with the child today. During the call he said “i got to look at the new school I’m going to go to!” (The school he had gone to last year is back in the area we are ij still) so mom is planning to move the child there for schooling apparently. Even without court approval still. I am enraged and heartsick at the things she has been telling him. She gets his hopes up and then blames us for why he doesn’t end up getting the things she falsely promises.

Separated 3 years, divorce still not finalized. He continues to delay each time citing some confusion in what we agreed to. I believe the language to be clear yet he claims he cannot understand it and seeks clarification from the mediator we used (4 times).

In the draft agreement, I asked for a parenting coordinator because I saw this pattern of him "interpreting" the parenting plan differently every time there is a schedule change. I do not want to pay my lawyer and a mediator each time he decides he wants to interpret the plan. ex. Each parent may take 7 days of summer vacation. His parenting started on a friday- they took a flight saturday, then they fly back on Friday. That's 8 overnights and 7 days. He is stating his "vacation" time doesn't start until Monday because the Friday he started parenting time was just normal his parenting time, so he doesn't have to return the kids to me until Sunday and then his normal parenting time starts again on Monday. A normal co-parent would take Friday- Thursday, even Friday to Friday would be fine, but Friday to the next Sunday and then back to regular parenting is a stretch.

The question is, will a parenting coordinator actually hold him accountable to the parenting plan?

It feels like my only option is to record each violation of the agreement and once I have a stack of them, to go to court, where he's likely to get a slap on the wrist and a request to "do better". Meanwhile my children are afraid of him and would rather spend less time with him. I feel like I am in an impossible situation with the constant manipulation. Or everything there is some disagreement, that I'll need to amend the parenting plan so he can't play the same game again.