r/IndianInLaws

Before I start I want to say that this happened about 2 years back , I have since moved out of my in law's toxic circle. I am well educated and financially independent. My parents are also well educated (a bit conservative) but enough educated to call out toxic behaviour. The reason I want to put this on reddit is to get a genuine third person's perspective on these events. My husband, although not a toxic man often tries to gaslight me and tries to trivialise all these incidents and calls me toxic for going no contact with my in laws.

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Some background, my husband and I got married in 2023, dated for 4 years before that. He was working abroad so he left a few weeks after the wedding and I had to stay back in India while his visa situation got sorted.

Before the wedding I had tried to tell him that if things didn't work out visa-wise and he had to come back, I wasn't okay with living in a joint family setup. Not because I had anything against his parents, I barely knew them. I just knew I'd feel suffocated. I'd feel the same way living with my own parents honestly. He immediately got defensive and said  "oh so you already hate my parents", "what did they do to you" etc. I tried again another time and even offered to just live next door, not asking for anything crazy. He just said "this situation won't arise because my visa will come through."

I still had my own apartment in the same city, much closer to my office, still paying rent on it. When I asked(via myhusband)  if I could just stay there(post wedding, till my husband were back/ visa is picked)   my MIL said relatives would talk. So I gave that up to protect appearances for people I'd never met.

While my husband was still around his mom was mostly fine. She always cooked everything, didn't ask me to do anything, was okay with me waking up late. She'd make the odd mean comment but I brushed it off. I really wanted a good relationship with her. I didn't have a great relationship with my own mom so I was genuinely hoping she could be that person for me.

My father had paid for and organised the entire wedding including putting all the groom's relatives up in a 5 star beachfront hotel. My in laws are not financially well off and my father knew it would come off my husband's pocket and he did not want to burden my husband (fiance then). Despite this she constantly complained about the wedding. One recurring complaint was that they don't eat non veg during a certain time of year but "had to" at our engagement. My husband pointed out there was veg food available too so that was her own choice. She just weaseled away. Another time she complained that the hotel had both veg and non veg food and they were kept in the same buffet hall and her relatives were offended (All of them are non vegetarians except a few aunties) . This was also probably the second time in her(MIL's) whole life of staying in a star hotel.

The day my husband left, on the cab ride back from the airport itself, she basically started reading out a list of complaints.

The silk saree my parents gifted her(a color she had said she liked) , she had two others in the same colour so she and my fil demanded the receipt to exchange it. The diamond earrings my mom gifted her (customary in our culture for the bride to gift jewellery to the MIL) were "too big and hurting her ears" and she'd never heard of the jewellery shop so had to add "these days you have to be very careful when buying gold and diamonds." It's a decades old reputed brand in kerala, she just needed to make some mean comment.. Then apparently some relative had told her I was calling her "aunty" and she brought this up as a complaint  but she had never told me what to call her and she herself called my FIL "uncle" when talking to me so I just went with aunty by default.

We got home and both of them sat me down for a 30 minute speech about "this is your home now" and "we are your parents now" and "tell us whatever you need."

Yeah.

After that the complaints kept coming. Our wedding wasn't as grand as some relative's wedding. Their relatives didn't get return gifts. “What would the elders have thought” . The relative (her sister’s son) wedding had a sangeet and haldi night at a 5 star (we, including my husband’s culture doesnt have a haldi /mehendi sangeet custom, so i chose to not have it) .  Meanwhile the relatives who actually attended ours came to visit and couldn't stop raving about how beautiful everything was and how they didn't want to leave the hotel. When I jokingly said to my MIL "looks like nobody will be talking about that other wedding now" she got super annoyed and angry and said "No, theirs was in a 5 star, it was on a completely different level. Theirs was grand "

The kitchen situation was also something else. She controlled everything in there and I had zero say over my own food. I eat dinner around 7, they eat at 11:30 at night. When I'd ask about eating earlier she'd just ignore me. I wasn't allowed to cook for myself. I was not even store things I bought in their fridge. She'd claim its because there was no space but she had expired stuff from early 2000s in the fridge.

They would also go inside our bedroom any time i went out and "organize" it . My mil would claim both my fil and she "LOOOOVE" to organize things and like keeping things neat. Her idea of "organizing is basically hiding everything away from vicinity. SO this often included her opening my drawers or almirahs when i was away "just to store things".

Now my FIL. He barely spoke to me or looked at me the entire time I lived there. My husband and MIL always explained it away as him being shy. It never felt like shyness to me. It felt like something else entirely.

Because of the time difference my husband and I would talk on the phone at midnight IST. My in-laws both knew I was calling my husband  there was nothing secretive about it. I'd be inside my locked bedroom, talking under a blanket. One morning my MIL came up to me and said "uncle was asking who you are talking to so late at night" and then quickly added "he's just concerned the neighbours will get disturbed."

My MIL always fell asleep right after their 11:30 dinner. So I know it wasn't her outside my door. My FIL was always still awake at that hour. And they never closed their own bedroom door.

I didn't know what to say. But I felt that uncomfortable, prickling feeling that something was off. I stayed there for about 2 months and went through a lot more shit  before I couldn't take it anymore and went to stay with my parents for a while.

What happened after that I’ll put in  Part 2 since this will become a long long post. 

[Part 2 -what my FIL did, and why I refused to go back to that house until my husband returned.] here-

https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianInLaws/comments/1tujby9/my_fil_called_up_my_father_instead_of_talking_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[Part 1 here for context]-

https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianInLaws/comments/1tuimpd/my_husband_says_im_being_unreasonable_for_going/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

So after about 2 months at my in-laws place things had gotten really bad and I really needed a break. They would outright not talk to me and give me all mean girls energy. They would talk in a language I didnt know when I was around and call my husband and say I am being mean to them , drinking tea inside the bedroom , “had a swollen grumpy face all the time”, didn't open the bedroom for my fil's pooja where he wanted to go inside our bedroom when i was sleeping.. (long list) .

I got approval from my manager to work from my parents' city for a while, told my in-laws I was going to stay with my parents, and left on good terms. Kept texting them updates through the journey, my parents called them when I arrived, all civil.

I called them twice after reaching. The second call about a week in actually felt warm. I told them about a road trip I'd taken, included my FIL in the conversation even though he barely ever spoke to me. At the end I casually mentioned I might fly back on a Thursday so I could go to office the next day( fulfilling the- atleast one day wfo mandate) , and that I'd let them know once I booked my tickets.

Key thing - I said I'd tell them once I had a date. Because I didn't have one yet.

About 10 days  later, on a Thursday evening, my FIL called my father.

My father is a man who spent his entire career in a senior leadership position. Nobody speaks to him disrespectfully. He was exhausted after a workday and trying to rest.

My FIL called and started yelling at him. That I hadn't given them a return date. That I never called. That I was irresponsible. "Who does that!" "She never called once!" "She did not inform!"

My dad's phone is always on full volume. I could hear every word from across the room. And all I heard from my father's side was "yes yes it is her fault" "yes she should have" "yes you are absolutely correct" "yes I will scold her."

I was shaking so badly I could barely use my phone. While trying to call my husband I accidentally , also trying to record thinking he wont pick up his call , i could barely think straight but eventually managed to hit voice note on his WhatsApp and it ended up recording the tail end of the call. You could still hear my FIL yelling and my father apologising. Then I called my husband properly, already crying.

My own father after hanging up turned his anger on me. I think he was humiliated and I was the easiest target and was extremely furious.

My husband's response when I told him what happened was that it was “partially”  my fault for not giving them a return date.

I then called my MIL while keeping my husband on the line so he could hear everything. She immediately started screaming - not asking if I was okay, not expressing any worry about me  She started yelling  " You have put me in a bad situation with my sisters" because her sister was mocking her for not knowing when her DIL was returning.I was so overwhelmed I just said it was my fault and that it wouldn't happen again. I just needed it to stop and i was sobbing non stop at the events.

When I later pushed my husband to confront his dad, my FIL's explanation was that he called my father because he assumed I had already boarded a flight and wouldn't pick up.

So just to be clear:

• I had never given them a return date
• He invented a scenario where I was already on a plane with zero basis
• Did not text me
• Did not call me
• Went straight to calling my father
• Not to ask if I'd landed safely
• But to scream about my behaviour

My father who paid for their entire wedding and housed their relatives for days was called up on a weeknight and screamed at like he was responsible for me. Like I was something that had been handed over to them and wasn't performing correctly and he needed to complain to whoever made me.

They never apologised. When my husband pushed back they rewrote the whole thing to become the poor victims of my “misconduct” . suddenly they were just two worried elderly people who had no idea where I was. The screaming became concern. My MIL's "you put me in a bad situation with my sisters" conveniently disappeared. She had “no memory” of even saying that. (thank heavens my husband was listening to the call without her knowledge) 

I decided after this I would not go back to their house until my husband was back in India. And I didn't. I went back a week after my husband shifted back to india for good. I still had to stay at their house for another 4 months because my husband kept pushing away my please to move out. Even after we found a house and had paid the rent , deposit , we didnt move out for another 2 weeks  because my husband was concerned “they would feel alone”! The husband had been abroad for 5 years before this and all that while his parents never “felt alone” or had the “extreme love” they developed ever since he married me. 

This was a while ago now. But it still haunts me. My in-laws have never once acknowledged it and my husband still finds ways to excuse it. Our couple's therapist explicitly called this a boundary violation and toxic behaviour. My husband still says I don't see things from "their perspective."

I'm not asking anyone to take sides. I just need to know  is there any world in which this is okay? Where a FIL bypasses his adult daughter-in-law entirely and calls her father to scream at him? Where the DIL is then told it was her own fault?

Because I've been gaslit about this enough times that I sometimes question my own reaction. I'm trying to heal and I just need to hear from people outside this situation that this wasn't normal.

Hello mums, my LO cries unstoppable every-time we visit my in-laws house. We live in a same city and i have had issues with my in-laws from pregnancy and things went bad that we moved out.

Can babies this young can sense family tension amd vibrations? She is a very playful baby and mostly enjoys with everyone.

Her cry is so bad that we cant even stay there for 20 mins, that is unstoppable breathless cry. She is fine once we leave the place.

I need some perspective. My husband and I have lived in the US for 15 years and have a 3-year-old son. My conventional in-laws are currently visiting from abroad. They have history of being toxic toward me, which makes it incredibly hard to just "forget and move on," but I tried my best to be accommodating the first few days.

Things quickly went downhill, and now my husband is blaming me for everything. Here is the situation:

• The In-Laws: They sleep all day and wake up right when my husband gets home, yet complain they are bored. We have a morning cook, and my MIL complained that the cook's presence is why she's bored—but when asked to cook for my picky FIL, she refused. Instead, I caught her bitching on the phone to her daughters that I "only cook for my husband and kid." They constantly mock me in their room, whispering about how I'm "making faces," which I can clearly hear. I’ve completely disengaged and stopped serving them morning tea.
• My Son’s Reaction: My 3yo doesn't want to interact with them (and they don't really try, outside of forcing him to give "hugs and kisses to dadi"). Because of the extreme tension in the house, my son has become incredibly clingy to me. He is also pulling away from his dad, mostly because my husband is never around due to work, the gym, and catering to his parents. My son has even started refusing to let his dad touch or pick him up from school if I'm not there.
• The Breaking Point: Yesterday, I felt severely nauseous and dizzy. When I called my husband for help, he joked that I was faking it or pregnant. My 3yo ran to get me water. When my husband realized I was actually sick, he came into the kitchen and tried to touch me. Out of reflex, I pushed him away. Seeing this, my son stepped in to protect me and kicked his dad.
• The Fallout: All hell broke loose. My husband is now completely ganging up on me with his parents. He claims I am "clinching" our son and starving him of a father's love. He told me I need to "get out of the house," accused me of serving his parents stale food, and said I should go live with the neighbors because I was seen laughing with them while his parents were bored at home. He is suggesting that I stay in my room or leave the house for few hours so they can all force a bond with my son.

I refuse to hide in my own home, and I am happy being my son's safe space. But under this constant pressure and blame from my husband, I’m starting to second-guess myself. Am I wrong here? Am I actually the one damaging my son's relationship with his father, or am I just dealing with a toxic echo chamber?