20m My Sober Living Roommate Pooped In The Dishwasher- I hate Sober living
TLDR; My roommate shit in the dishwasher and then told my roommate and I that we are the problem. Super overwhelmed and depressed and I want to get high and make this shit stop.
I have a little over two months clean, this is my seventh time trying to get off this shit. I moved across the country from Los angeles to Florida and I am really struggling with overwhelming emotions and thoughts. It was actually getting better but a bunch of stuff happened over the weekend that has brought me back to wanting to die and crave meth.
Im in a sober living and one of my roommates is binge drinking and he was sent to detox for a couple days, we literally found his POOP in the dishwasher, and now he is twisting the situation around onto my other roommate and I telling us that WE are the problem for the way we reacted..like what the fuck?
Im also currently job hunting and thats one of my biggest triggers, i havent worked in over a year and i’ve really bene pushing myself this past week to hand out my resumés to places. Im grateful and proud of myself for actually doing it but it honestly doesnt make my anxiety any better knowing that im capable of it lol. Its crippling.
Last night there was this super uncomfortable interaction when my roommate got back from detox where he was just telling us how he could totally moderate his drinking and how he had so much fun on friday (right, because shitting in the dishwasher and blacking out is so fun), and basically just telling us that he was so depressed and such a victim and it made me so angry because I kept trying to explain that both of us, his other roommates, also want to blow our brains out but we lift each other up and have been fighting every day to get better and that he is more than welcome to practice vulnerability if he so pleases. Well when I said that he turned it around and said “well, its your fault I dont feel comfortable opening up because you told people about what I did,” like umm, you DEFECATED IN A KITCHEN APPLIANCE and you expect me not to say anything or have any feelings about it?! Ridiculous.
I didnt even sleep a wink last night because I was fuming with anger and anxiety about job hunting, my shitty living situation and how expensive it is on my dad, and how overwhelmed I feel…I ended up going on one of the gay apps and looking for people who had crystal in my area which i try so hard not to do every day, and I also looked at some porn which I also actively try not to watch because I was a gay prostitute and I’m really traumatized from all of that stuff. Weirdly, it calmed me down enough to take out my journal and write about what had happened and then i danced to some music and prayed.
I still feel super activated and angry, i want to make it stop. If i wasnt in a sober living and actually could depend on myself i would take psychedelics but thats not the case and im just here battling another day with what feels like my hands tied behind my back. Its exhausting and I hate when I start craving meth. Not to mention that the management of this fucking dump allowed this guy to come back when he was literally telling us the minute he got back how he was gonna keep drinking…shoot me now. Anyway wish me luck