r/MethRecovery

I've been a daily user for over 10 years now. Went to treatment but I had not support when I got out. I've never been in trouble with the law over my usage. I don't steal from ppl, I don't shoot it, I pay all my bills on time and I've only had 2 major sicknesses I believe was caused by using.

I hate lying to everyone about being sober, hiding in the dark to smoke a bowl, spending money I work hard for. I'm tired of not going anywhere unless I have to. I'm just over this lifestyle, period.

I'm finally ready to walk away and leave the drugs and behind me, but I don't know how. I want to talk to my doctor about it, but I don't know what to say and I don't want to be judged and put on the list. I've tried to quit on my own several times, but around the 3rd day I get sick and I know all my insides are unthawing from the ice.

I pray everyday and hand my troubled heart to my maker. I want to be a better person but I don't want to be one of those hypocritical ppl that recover and turn their nose in the air like I'm better than anyone else and that's all I see when it comes to recovery.

My biggest concern is that I have no support and I'm so afraid of my health deteriorating when I quit. How do I talk to my doctor about treatment plans and start moving forward?? And what if recovery is worse than sobriety??

Sorry for the rambling on, but I really want to hear thoughts on my next step. I guess you can say I'm scared of being sober and I'm tired of using. Please give me your honest opinion without judgement and negativity. Thank you for listening

People ask me why I chose drugs.

The answer is simple.

Because, at the time, I was weak.

But I think it takes a lot more strength to keep choosing yourself over addiction.

There was a time when the only strength I felt was when I picked up the pipe.

Now, my strength comes from making sure I don't pick it back up.

Not picking up the pipe is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

And I choose not to—every single day.

I think there's a lot of strength in that alone.

People who choose sobriety are a different kind of strong.

We would rather fight for our recovery, everyday for the rest of our lives..

Then go back to the thing we once loved more then anything.

But in order to recover, you have to stay away from the thing that once tried to kill you.

Even when a part of you misses the misery.

And that's what it takes to be sober and recover.

Every. Single. Day.

Some days I think to myself...

"Should it really be this hard just to live?"

But if every day was easy, then what would the point of living truly be?

I have fought myself through the dark, only to still find darkness in the light.

But every day, I continue to win a battle that I once lost.

I choose to fight. I choose to stay sober.

Even on the days when I think it would be easier to take the easy way out.

I still choose sobriety.

I still choose to fight for a life worth living.

People seem to fear the unknown.

What I fear is going back to something I know all too well.

Your future is what you make of it.

Choosing sobriety is a monumental change.

I know change can be scary.

But choosing a life of the unknown over a life where you already know the outcome is the first step toward a better life.

And I'm proud of you every day for continuing to choose you.

I went out for breakfast with Dallas this morning.

Even though I still catch myself thinking people are looking at me...

Maybe because of the way I look. The way I dress. Or because I'm still constantly scanning every room—just in case.

Some habits don't disappear overnight.

This same time last year, I was living in a shelter and heavily addicted to meth.

I never thought I'd sleep in a bed again that wasn't inside those shelter walls.

And if you had told me that one year later I'd be sober, housed, starting school in September for Mental Health and Addictions, and preparing to give back to people walking the same road I once did...

I would've laughed and told you to put the pipe down—you've smoked too much.

So yes, sometimes I still worry about what people think of me.

But then I remember...

I'm soon to be a two-time published author.

I'm sober.

I'm safe.

I'm present.

And compared to where I was a year ago...

I'd say that's pretty fucking awesome.

There are some people I tell how many days I'm sober...

There are some people I tell how many days I'm sober, but somehow it's never enough.

"One more day."

As if every day before the milestone someone else set for you was easy.

As if it meant nothing.

As if your recovery only counts once it reaches a number that meets their standards.

Ask yourself...

Have they ever had to fight every single day just to choose themselves?

One day sober.

Or one more day sober.

It's. Still. Fucking. Sober.

Don't let anyone make you feel like your recovery isn't enough because it doesn't validate their expectations or their insecurities.

You don't have to impress anyone.

You only have to make it through today.

And if no one has told you yet...

I'm so fucking proud of you.

I expect the same honesty from other people...

I expect the same honesty from other people that I make sure I give to them.

But I haven't exactly been holding up my end of that deal.

Have I been entirely sober these past almost ten months?

I'll be honest with you...

No.

But that doesn't mean I have to start at zero.

It doesn't erase every day I chose myself over my addiction.

It doesn't erase that I went back into the ruin... just to climb back out of it.

And I think that takes a lot of strength in itself.

People in recovery are allowed to have bad days, just like everyone else.

We shouldn't have every day before a relapse treated as if it meant nothing just because we went back to something we once believed was the only thing that could help ease the pain.

I can't say I'm perfect.

That would be a lie.

I can't promise I'll never use again.

That would be a bigger lie.

That would be putting too much faith in myself against something that will outsmart me...

Every.Single.Time.

What I can promise is this:

I'll always keep trying.

I'll always keep showing up.

I'll always be present.

I won't lose myself again.

I can't.

And the only way we recover is out loud.

Accountability is an important part of recovery.

I take accountability for letting my life get away from me.

For not trying harder to get help for myself.

For thinking that I could still be myself when all I wanted to do was die.

For thinking that something that was killing me could love me just the same.

I take accountability for being scared.

For believing that a world could fully understand me...

When I didn't even fully understand myself.

I take accountability by continuing to show up, day in and day out, proving that I am not the person I was once.

I take accountability by choosing myself over the drug...

Every. Single. Time.

I take accountability by choosing sobriety.

What can you take accountability for?

One day, at a time. Every day, choosing me.

#WeRecoverOutloud #addictionrecovery

Just wanted to share something nobody talks enough about. We often hear about the psychosis, teeth issues, twack behavior etc. from using-but outside of the fact ice is a stimulant we don't talk about the fact that this stuff kills your heart, physically.

I (35m) was feeling sicker and sicker, to the point where I would rather sleep than use (if that says anything lol) and couldn't really function much. Things got so bad that I would lose the ability to breathe correctly and couldn't lay down flat. I finally got talked into going to the urgent care, which the staff there immediately sent me to the emergency room at the local hospital. It turns out that my heart was failing and I had an ejection fracture (the strength at which your heart pumps fluid effectively) of 10%... most people's is 50%-70%. For context, I'm 35-years-old and never had heart issues before, and never slammed.

I was hospitalized for over a week and moved to the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit where I was administered IV heart medicine (Dibutamine drip) but was not able to tolerate even a beta blocker-which is a crucial necessity for someone in heart failure-because of the ejection fracture and how low that made my blood pressure. As a result my kidneys began to function poorly as my heart was unable to pump fluid and so it began to stop up in my abdomen, legs and ankles. I was unable to wear shoes and my feet were purple and numb due to all the fluid stored there. My groin also stored a lot of fluid and made things in that area, well, weird. I was at the point where there was fluid building up around my lungs, causing me to be unable to breathe, which would cause panic and losing consciousness. The Cardiology team gave me a prognosis of six months and I was regularly meeting with Pallative Care. My family came, expecting to be told I had passed.

I was unable to be a candidate for an LVAD (Left-Ventricular Artificial Device..i think thats the right acronym) or a heart-transplant due to the fact this was induced by meth. I became unable to walk more than 500 feet or so and now often use a walker, or have to use the motor scooter in the grocery store. I often have to use handicap parking and am so tired it is hard to get out of the house or even out of bed. Sex is more or less a no-go due to lack of blood flow and, for obvious reasons, unable to be aided with Viagra or poppers, or anything of that nature.

I am currently on three of the four-tier medicine system used for CHF patients, with the beta-blocker still not started because of the blood pressure issue. My resting heart rate is regularly in the 110-130 beats per minute range and I often have symptoms such as fatigue, shortness of breath, dizziness, cannot lay flat, am not allowed to lift more than about the weight of a gallon of milk, and anxiety over the illness, staying sober, and prognosis. I am limited to 2,000 mL of fluid per day (which is about 64 ounces, two large McDonald's drinks) and 2,000 mg of sodium, which once you start looking at how much is in the nutrition label is a pretty intense change.

I do feel lucky that I survived, and I am grateful to have a care team that seems to be willing to give me everything they've got if I can keep sober. I am currently meeting with various doctors and therapists at least twice a week, if not more. In the coming months I'm hoping to be able to start the fourth pillar of the medication treatment and potentially Cardiac Rehab, though I'm far from out of the woods. Living like I'm dying but also living with changes that could make me heal and live is an interesting space to be in, if that makes any sense.

I live in a large city and know quite a lot of users (as I'm sure many that read this can relate to) however among all of the issues encountered in the madness, I had never experienced anyone that ran into this. I have wanted for weeks to get this out there and am not always sure how to convey it in a way that is understandable or sometimes get medical terminology confused but I never would have thought this could happen to someone *relatively* young so I guess this is my way of making amends to the community and my attempt at outreach. I am terrified this could happen to anyone else so I guess this is my way of trying to share my story.

And to everyone in recovery, thinking about recovery (or not have ever considered it), or anyone struggling, you're a badass and never alone and have no idea how strong you are or how proud of you someone is.

TL;DR: I have End-Stage Heart Failure from using meth with a discouraging prognosis, wanted to share my experience in order to spread awareness; also I stand with you in your recovery and am proud to see you all kicking Tina's ass.

Before reading. This is NSFW , dont wanna make anyone uncomfortable.

recently relapse on meth. Also im not a bad person, its just the sex drive is so insane that it makes me sexually psychotic. And i think it permanently made me fucked up in the head, apparenty doc ays i got paranoid schrizophrenia. I comstantly have fantasies i never had before meth, like public stuff, i wouldnt ever go further than that like touch people obviously, and i also dont hate woman, just imagine ur ssx drive going to 100x . But meth makes me feel like a shit person because of the insanw fantasies. I even developed more fantasy of being degraded, tbis is also a mix of circumcision. Indont wqnnq say the actual word for circumcision cuz it triggers me.

Even when off meth, because of the damage meth did to me, sometimes ill have days where i get sexual psychotic like episodes where im driving all day for 12 hours , doing stuff in my vehicle or spending all my work money on strip clubs, drinking or smoking marijuana or cbd , which triggers my episodes very easily, mainly when i mix cbd with alcohol or marijunana with alcohol. My sex drive is high but what makes it high is the damage from meth that made my dopamine go more crazy then normql is.my theory, basically my chemicals are permanently fucked up. Sometimes all it takes is seeing a pretty person at the gym and i immedietly leave gym and im in my vehicle for hours or go to massage parlors or strip club for hours, im doing th3se things all day(mind u when off meth and on) so for example i might not be using for months or year but im still damaged to where it happens, i get episodes , and i also tell myself how the fuck did i do that stupid shit etc

Even when off meth i cant keep jobs since 2020 because meth fucked me up and constant episodes and becoming broke, its nightmare, im basicqlly mentqlly handicapped. My parents think i should and cpuld go to school but its impossinle. Meth also damaged me where i learn super fucking slow now and forget shit

Now for circumcision, surgeon took too much skin (most of the pleasure receptors) which forced me to have deeper fantadies as well and rely on my mental more instead of my penis senstiivity itself. Life has really screwed me. I dont enjoy the act as much unless indont do itnfor a whole week and my mental has to be at a good state.

I hate my life so much man. Idk why this had to happen to me

Im 2 days clean which is the longest I’ve ever gone when i was using i felt busy like hours passed quickly and all i would do was drive to the local Walmart parking lot and colour but now i cant stop thinking about using and i know this gets better with time but my body feels uncomfortable and more stuck then it did well using

I was hoping someone had a list of activities that can keep my mind occupied and my hands occupied my family took my car so i cant go pick up and im at home for the time being but i just want to smoke and thats all i can think about

I do yoga and have recently taken up running. But my patience is so thin and I feel like I constantly need music to stay sane. Never dealt with this my first time getting clean, just wondering if y'all have any tips for slowing down?