PDA/AuDHD son, age 10, coping with loss of grandma by becoming her
There is a lot of background information here, but I’ll try to be as brief as possible. AuDHD runs in my family, we just didn’t know it until my son was formally diagnosed two years ago. Myself, my mom, my grandma, and my son all have the same traits. All high intelligence, high novelty, high anxiety, high sensory sensitivities, and all seeking control in all situations. My son is the first boy in the family to display these traits, and it looks very different from all the women. We have been dealing conduct and aggression issues since pre-school, and now that he is entering into his preteens life is becoming increasingly more difficult.
I am divorced (F, 42) and he has an emotionally unstable father (M, 43) and a younger sister (8). By the time my son turned 6, most of my family members had died, including my father, his grandfather. That was also the same year we were divorced. From ages 6-10 my family has done their best, with my mom being one of the last living family members. When my father died, her mental health took a turn and she never recovered. She died in April 2026. The loss was extremely sudden and unexpected for my son, who adored her. To me she was cruel and unstable, but for him she was one of the few people that seemed to understand him and his view of the world. (To be clear, both my son and my mother have what can only be described as narcissistic views. The world happens ‘to them’ and they bear little to no responsibility for anything. No matter how much I offered my son, he thinks of no one but himself. His sister is his opposite.)
In the past three months, my son has grown increasingly obsessed with my mother’s legacy. First he asked for some of her belongs, then photos, then ashes, all reasonable. Then he asked for her purse. I was reluctant at first, but obliged as I understand that grief is complex, especially for someone like him who still struggles in ‘regular’ life. Now he’s starting to ask for women’s clothes and jewelry. For back to school shopping he’s looking at things that a middle aged woman might pick.
Anyone have experience or insight? For the record my son has a therapist, an in school counselor, an ABA, and a behavioral therapist working with him, so I have been actively seeking support for the last two years. I am repeatedly told how unique and complex his case is, as he is extremely smart, but also extremely unwilling to comply with basic demands. For example, as I write this post, he has stalemated with me at a store and refuses to leave unless I buy him the female clothes he wants for the start of school.
Thoughts?