r/ParanoidPersonality

Hi everyone.

I’m desperate for any advice and help. My boyfriend constantly thinks I’m cheating and it’s ruining the relationship. He suffers from ASPD and what I suspect is paranoia personality disorder. Everything I do is constantly viewed under a microscope. It’s worse when he’s on stimulant binges and I’m just so devastated that he keeps thinking I am cheating on him. The latest scenario was that I finished work at 7 pm and he thinks that I must have been cheating at work because came home 45 mins later. But I’ve told him I still had to clean and stock up for the opening shift which takes awhile especially when I’m the only one closing the entire building. He constantly thinks I’m waking up early morning 4-5am to let someone into our studio to fuck them. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. I have isolated myself from everyone just so he feels more secure in the relationship.

He is getting help and is aware he has this paranoia but when he’s exhausted or stressed it’s hard to get through to him. I’m so exhausted from crying. I just want it to be like old times. I’m nearly crying everyday because I just don’t know what to do anymore. He thinks so bad of me because I might have bpd myself and he’s constantly thinking I’m a huge whore that wants to hurt him and that’s so false. Idk how to make him see that I’m totally a good partner, girlfriend, friend, woman, lover. I respect and admire him so much and I’m really pleading with any of you out there for help. I love him so much and I just want him to feel stable and happy. He’s everything to me.

Last night, after strenuous effort and mental gymnastics, I had put myself in a somewhat calm state of mind, calm enough that I could actually feel my hunger and want to act on it, something I could never do or never feel when I was particularly stressed or anxious.

I began cooking.

I was having a little celebration of my own when, lo and behold, a stray thought that felt like a sucker punch to the chest hit me.

A "What-if" scenario that felt terrifyingly real, stealing all my peace, every bit of progress I made through the day, making me walk in circles with the same thought spinning in my mind, trying to analyse it from every angle, trying to determine the threat it posed to me.

The food went cold. I didn't eat.

I'm so tired of living like this, of feeling like this.

I find it so disheartening to wake up anxious after spending the entire previous day doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to bring myself to a somewhat calm state of mind to sleep. Is this what I will be doomed to do every day? Repeat the same hellish and tiring process of calming myself down, only for the entire day to pass when I finally succeed?

When will I be free? When will I be at peace?

I always make up the worst case scenario EVERY.SINGLE.TIME, the thing is most of the time I don’t catch myself being paranoid, my thoughts feel real and valid, whilst irl no one really cares about me.