r/ParentingPDA

If you have had success homeschooling, can you share any tips that have worked for you and your child? I think I am accepting I need to homeschool my 13 year-old. I honestly have no idea if he will do the work with or without me next to him. It’s so scary taking this leap. We are entering year three of school refusal. I’ve pretty much homeschool the last two years, but that was with the school, providing the curriculum. The school district is horrific to deal with, and I cannot handle the stress of it all this year. We have tried several different schools the newest school he wouldn’t even step foot into. It is not lack of effort on his part. He prepped himself for a week straight – watched what he ate, watched how much he slept, did didn’t over exhaust himself in activities… He genuinely tried.

It is rare that I complain about anything, let alone parenting. But… I am feeling very resentful toward my young adult with PDA.

They have never listened to me, so I gave up trying to guide them. As a baby, they were “unputdownable”. As a toddler, they were bossy and demanding. As a school kid, they either refused to go or came home and screamed at me for hours.

As a middle schooler, made the choice to home school, which was “unschooling” and eventually they stopped yelling all the time. Then in high school, they wanted to go back to school, and I had to leave my job to accommodate them. Six months later, they decide to drop out to take GED, but hasn’t.

Meanwhile, my marriage fell apart because we couldn’t agree on how to support kiddo. Kid refuses to spend time with their dad. Dad doesn’t help with finances or anything.

Now all the kids they went to school with are leaving for college. I used to be very involved with school and friends with classmates so my FB friends are all crying about being empty nesters, while I resent that mine won’t leave the nest for so much as an hour, and makes mess upon mess they won’t clean.

All they do is run up the electric bill, eat junk food because they won’t eat “real” food due to ARFID, and stay up all night. They only talk to me when they want me to buy them something or take them somewhere. I work multiple jobs to barely make ends meet and they can’t do anything to help.

And, yes, there has been some progress made, but mostly I feel taken advantage of and resentful, and I don’t want to come home because it is always a mess and I am exhausted. I don’t want to resent my kid, but I feel like a failure as a parent and stuck caring for a spoiled 6’2 baby.

. What would you do?

I’m an aunt who is becoming increasingly concerned about my 13-year-old nephew, and I honestly don’t know when concern becomes a reason to intervene.

He attends online school, facilitated by his mom, but participates very inconsistently. There is speculation of a possible PDA profile but no diagnosis, also had been diagnosed with ADHD. He cannot read, subtract or multiply.

When he does attend school, he often keeps his camera off, stays muted, and gives very short or one-word answers. At home, he refuses most things asked of him, including going to doctor appointments and participating in school but has endless videos games and internet at his fingertips.

My sister struggles with a lot of anxiety around his reactions, and from what I’ve witnessed, they seem stuck in a cycle where avoiding his meltdowns has become easier than getting him to do things he needs to do.

There have also been more serious incidents. When my sister has told him no—for example, refusing to buy expensive things online—he has physically pinned her down, taken her phone, and spent her money. He can scream for hours at night, and neighbors in their housing complex have repeatedly complained.

I understand that he possibly has learning and processing difficulties, and I don’t blame him for needing additional support. What scares me is that his needs may be going unmet because getting him to cooperate has become so overwhelming for my sister. She can’t really get him evaluated cause of his refusal to participate or cooperate.

I love them both, and I’m not trying to judge my sister. But I’m seeing enough red flags that staying quiet doesn’t feel right anymore. If this were your sister and nephew, what would you do?

My child 6yo creates situations that are set up to fail. She wants ice cream, I say yes, but she wants it in certain bowl, but I am neither allowed to wash up a bowl, or give it in another.... I tried to be 'creative and hit her lighter side offering her to choose 'anything' to have it in. No win. Meltdown.

I eventually washed it up and gave her ice cream in it. I expected a meltdown about that. But instead she was fine with the bowl, but she wouldn't accept it unless there was more ice cream.

Tbh I know I should have just given more ice cream, but my own internal crap was stuck too by then, and I didn't.

It's not the example/s I need help with. But it's to illustrate the Sabotage, no win, impossible situations she creates.

I don't get it? Nor the best way to handle it.

Or even the best way to survive it myself, so I'm parenting how she needs.

Maybe I'm more asking how to have the energy for it /fake it til you make it? As the constant flitting from one thing to another, that I 'must' sort for her/with her, drives me sideways (my brain doesn't multitask well anyway).

And the creating situations that can't have a solution (I'm sure there are better examples than this but I'm Empty of them right now)

I'm a father of a 9yo girl, diagnosed with ASD and I really think she displays PDA behaviors.

I'm a psychologist and parenting councilor myself, I know about the importance of attachment and security, polyvagal states, etc.

And I find myself utterly dazed and confused in some situations with her, having no clue how to handle them. I'd like to describe one such situation from last night and get your perspectives like what would you have done.

I am aware that every family is different and every child is different and taking that into account while asking this question.

My daughter takes her sweet time getting ready for bed: brushes her teeth after some reminders and then she arranges the dolls on her bed. Recently she took to some specific arrangements which kind of feel OCD like but I'm not sure that's the case.

Anyway, it takes her a couple of minutes to have everything in order both because it's very specific and also she just takes her time, she's doing it whole dancing and having the time of her life not having a care in the world that it's getting later and later.

After she finishes this bed arranging she climbs into bed and kisses many of her dolls and there's a whole Spiel here until I can cover her with her blanket and give her a kiss and a hug.

So yesterday we got to the point where I could finally kiss her good night around 10:00 p.m. I was already exhausted and hadn't a lot of patience but I waited and did it and then I went to the living room to have a little bit off time with my spouse.

I put on an episode of Seinfeld to clear our minds and in like 10 minutes into the episode the daughter comes into the living room asking to be with us.

She really likes to sit down with us and watch TV together even though she doesn't really understand what's going on because it's a foreign language for her at the moment.

At first I was like "no I'm sorry, you have to go back to bed it's our time now and it's late" and she was like "but why can't I just be here with you a little bit, I will probably doze off while watching it with you and I will go to bed immediately after you finish watching TV". So I said "fine you can stay here as long as soon the show finishes you go back to bed".

Lo and behold episode is over and she's not going back to bed she lies on the sofa saying "I'm going to fall asleep here", obviously she is not going to fall asleep there and I'm telling her "I'm sorry but now you have to follow through on your promise, go back to bed I'll come with you I'll cover you that's fine but it's time to go back to bed" and then she starts to follow our dog around saying "I just want to kiss her good night" but this is another thing that takes forever, it's not like a kiss goodnight for the dog it's like 10 kisses and then 10 more Etc, it's always taking more and more time and again not listening to us when we tell her "I'm sorry you did promise something and we allowed you to stay here but now you have to keep your end of the bargain please go back to bed", she's completely ignoring us to the point that both of us got very very angry and told her that she's ungrateful and can't be trusted and that's really not cool and I don't remember exactly what happened but I think I just eventually took her and put her in the bed and that's how she went to sleep. which by the way took some time in which I stayed and hovered around her room because she always asks us to be there so she won't feel alone.

And of course that's just one example of her doing things in her own time not caring about how it affects everybody else, for example in this case all the mess disrupted her brother who was trying to fall asleep at the time and of course it made us feel very very bad.

So again my question here what would you have done if you were in my shoes at that situation. what has worked for you i'm open to listen to everything.

Hey, we are struggling to feed our 6 year old son with PDA/ADHD. Growing up, we introduced lots of new foods, lots of variety. However, over the last 3-4 years it has dwindled to basically only a handful of foods that are "safe". When we even mention supper, it's a strong emotional response. We actually have to call his supper, "breakfast", otherwise he won't even touch it.

His Dr had us do up bloodwork and noticed that his cholesterol was a bit higher than she would like for his age.... told us to add healthy fats... which is fine. However, she is completely aware of the challenges we have around feeding, so it's extremely frustrating to hear, "just add this".

His cholesterol is obviously higher because of his diet but he is so restrictive in what he will eat we are extremely limited. We have tried to make some healthier swaps, as much as possible... but even still, I feel defeated. I hate that meal times have become such an uphill battle. I feel guilty that my spouse and I (and two other kids) are eating nutritional, well balanced meals.. while my 6 year old survives off of jam sandwiches.

We have been to OT/dietician. Very little came from it. I feel like nobody understands. Nobody sees the meltdowns my kid has when offered something new.

I am trying very hard to figure out how to parent my child and most days I feel like I failed as his mom. Between, school, bedtime and mealtime I am losing my sanity with my child.

Edit to add: His safe foods are jam or Nutella sandwiches, crackers, yogurt, waffles, chicken nuggets, fries, apples, berries, granola bars and certain cereals. He will eat pepperoni but we have really had to cut that one out for obvious reasons. The list used to be longer but it just keeps getting shorter and shorter.

We have been exploring the possibility of a big structural change for our family to a more affordable area - we live in Seattle, WA, USA currently. My wife just lost her job and is the primary breadwinner so there’s not anything tying us down here. We switch hit as our 8.5 year old son requires 24/7 support from one of us so I take the day shift and she co-sleeps with him at night. We unschool and that will likely be the continued path for the foreseeable future. I am a private practice mental health therapist and work virtually so can continue doing this wherever we land (my license is tied to my client’s location and not mine). We have noticed a pretty dramatic seasonal challenge for our family and are looking at various locations that would allow us to be outside for most of the year, perhaps even access to a pool or larger yard. The winters here are mild (not much in the way of snow really), but so dark and damp, and relentless and I am definitely a sun lover. Our son also seems to re-emerge from an indoor hibernation every spring. Has anyone else made a leap like this? If so, how did it go and what did you learn? Our aim would be to try some locations out and make a more gradual transition - only with full buy in from our son. Appreciate any feedback and appreciate this community so much!

I am just curious because we have been involved off and on with an incredibly reputable counseling agency that focuses on attachment and adoption and they suggested that it wasn't PDA and was, in fact, an attachment issue. Wouldn't you know that the recommendations for attachment are basically opposite from the ones for PDA??

We have a psychiatrist, two different counselors for him( one who specializes in "working with neurodivergence" and one who specializes in "trauma and adoption"), my own trauma informed counselor, a neuropsychologist who did our testing and my own psychiatrist.....and the only thing most of them agree on is PDA doesn't exist.

Just looking for others' experiences.

My sister homeschools her 13-year-old son. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger, and she feels that he also has many traits associated with a PDA profile.
He is bright and capable in many ways, but he is significantly behind academically, particularly with reading. At 13, he still struggles to read independently and recognizes only a limited number of words by sight.
One of the biggest challenges is that he has an extremely difficult time with expectations or anything that feels like a demand, especially when it comes from an adult. Because attempts to enforce routines or expectations often result in major resistance, his mom has gradually backed away from a lot of academic expectations. Screens and gaming have also become difficult for her to put limits around.
My concern is that avoiding demands may be preventing conflict in the short term, but meanwhile he’s getting older and falling further behind in literacy. I’m not trying to diagnose him or argue about whether PDA is the explanation. I’m hoping to understand what effective support can actually look like for a teenager in this situation.
For parents who have dealt with significant demand avoidance along with ADHD or learning difficulties: What actually helped your child make academic progress?
Did you work with a neuropsychologist, reading specialist, occupational therapist, school program, PDA-informed therapist, or someone else? Are there approaches to teaching reading that worked particularly well without turning every lesson into a battle?
And if you were starting with a 13-year-old who was this far behind, what would you pursue first?
I’d especially appreciate hearing from parents who have been through something similar.

It is just me and my PDAer/AuDHD child. I am in the midst of getting my own ASD diagnosis and suspect I have PDA tendencies as well. My child and I are complete opposites though: they are the external, loud, bouncing all over, dysregulated kind and I am the need routine/calm/ quiet kind.

At this point, I have been diagnosed with PTSD from dealing with my child's outbursts/aggression. He is much less aggressive than he used to be but he is pretty much constantly pissed off and screaming. I have gone so far past Freeze that I have begun dissociating every time he spirals. It scares the shit out of me.

I want so badly to be a regulated and present parent but it is almost impossible at this point. I have no respite. My psychiatrist is recommending I do EMDR. Has anyone tried EMDR or SSP for themselves?

*I am a 30-year pediatric OT with extensive training in neuroception, neurodivergence, polyvagal theory, TBRI, anxiety, sensory processing, and trauma. I am using every strategy possible to manage him but the days are still very rough. His psychiatrist and therapist have both said that there is no true data behind PDA as a diagnosis, so there is not support there. There are no other options around here for pediatric care. We are all on multiple meds.

Hi there,

I just wanted to let you all know that after approximately a week of daily H1 and H2 blockers (morning and night) my PDA 10 year old has definitely improved. She also has POTS however, so that may be the thing that is shifting.