r/Situationism

20F, had an abortion at 10 weeks and I feel like I’m carrying all of this alone
I’m 20 and the father is 23. I recently had a medication abortion at around 10 weeks, and I’m posting here because I really need to talk to people who understand what this feels like. Me and the father have a very long and complicated history. We literally grew up as neighbors. His parents still live a few houses down from me, I’m friends with his brother, and we’ve known each other basically our entire lives. He was the person I lost my innocence to at a young age, and throughout the years we continued having sex on and off. We were never a normal couple, but there has always been this attachment between us. He has begged me to actually be with him before and I always said no, and even when he had girlfriends he would still try to come back to me or cheat with me. It’s honestly just been a weird and complicated situation for years.
One of the things messing with my head now is how he acted toward me before and during the pregnancy compared to how emotionally distant he is afterward. He would constantly tell me how sexy I was, tell me he loved me, and make me feel like he had this strong attraction and attachment to me. He even said before that he was surprised I hadn’t gotten pregnant sooner because of our history. Then when I finally told him I actually was pregnant, one of his first reactions was still sexual and he immediately wanted to have sex with me. I remember basically having to tell him no, can you focus on my feelings and the fact that we made a baby for a second? Sometimes it felt like he was more fascinated by or attracted to the idea of my pregnant body than emotionally processing what was actually happening to me and what we had created together. I don’t even completely know how to explain it. That’s part of why this whole situation feels so weird and confusing.
He isn’t some random guy I can completely remove from my life or memory either. His family, our neighborhood, his brother, my childhood and so many memories are connected to him. His parents literally live a few houses away. I feel like I’m never going to completely get this pregnancy or abortion out of my head because there are reminders of our history everywhere.
I also don’t have much of a support system at home. I grew up without a dad, I don’t have the best home life, and my mom isn’t very supportive, so I never even told her I was pregnant or that I had an abortion. I’ve basically been carrying this huge secret while trying to act normal around everyone. On top of everything, I’m in my last semester of nursing school. I’ve still had to worry about classes, exams, labs, clinicals, assignments and graduating while dealing with pregnancy symptoms, finding out I was pregnant, deciding what to do, going through the abortion and now recovering physically and emotionally afterward.
I found out I was pregnant pretty late, around 8 weeks, and by the time I had the abortion I was around 10 weeks. Realistically, I knew abortion was probably the best decision for my situation. I’m only 20, I’m trying to finish nursing school and build a stable life for myself, and one of my biggest fears was bringing a baby into a situation where I might essentially be raising them alone. But knowing why I made my decision doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings about it or that I’m supposed to immediately be okay.
The father did financially help me, and I don’t want to act like he did absolutely nothing. He gave me money for the abortion and would sometimes ask if I was okay. What hurts is the emotional side. I wanted him physically there. I wanted him to hug me, comfort me, rub my stomach when I was pregnant, check on me, or just make me feel like I wasn’t carrying everything by myself ( he moved into his own place that’s why I didn’t see him) . I didn’t expect us to suddenly become a couple because I got pregnant. I just thought that after everything we’ve been through together and after creating a pregnancy together, he would understand why I needed emotional support. It’s especially confusing when I think about all the times he told me he loved me, wanted me, begged me to be with him or kept coming back to me even while dating other people. After all of that, I never expected to feel this alone when something genuinely serious finally happened between us.
The actual abortion was also more intense than I expected. I took the pills at home and actually saw the pregnancy when it came out. I could see the little body, and later I could even see tiny bones as it started changing. I held onto the remains for several days because I couldn’t bring myself to let go. Eventually I did, and knowing the actual body is gone forever affected me more than I expected. I have pictures, but it still feels different knowing that was physically my pregnancy and now it’s gone.
The confusing part is that I don’t necessarily regret my decision. I understand why I did it, and I know having a baby right now would have completely changed my life. But I can know that and still be sad. I can wonder what my baby would have looked like. I can wish the circumstances had been different. Sometimes I think about how I wish he had rubbed or kissed my belly while I was pregnant or just acknowledged that for those weeks there really was a baby we created together. I wish I could have experienced a little tenderness before everything ended.
What hurts the most now is feeling like once he knew the pregnancy was over, he emotionally checked out. We never agreed that we would stop talking afterward. I told him we didn’t have to continue talking if that was what HE wanted, but I also told him I wanted him there emotionally afterward because he mentioned understanding if I never wanted to talk to him again after the abortion . I’m not asking him for more money. At this point I literally just want a hug. One last hug where I can feel like I’m not completely alone in something that involved both of us. Instead, it almost feels like I’m being punished or like because the abortion is finished, I’m supposed to immediately go back to normal.
My body hasn’t immediately gone back to normal either. I was pregnant. I had pregnancy symptoms before I even knew I was pregnant, and now I’m recovering from an abortion while still trying to finish nursing school and keep my life together. My body and emotions don’t understand that I made a decision and everything is suddenly supposed to be over.
I think that’s why I’m posting here. I feel incredibly lonely. I don’t necessarily miss being pregnant every second, and I don’t think feeling sad means I made the wrong decision. I think I’m grieving the entire experience, what could have been under different circumstances, and the fact that I went through something this big without the emotional support I wanted. I’m also trying to understand how someone can have such an intense attachment and attraction toward me for years and then seem so emotionally detached when I actually needed him. With our families living so close and our lives being connected for so long, I feel like this is something I’m going to remember forever.
Has anyone else experienced something similar after an abortion? Knowing logically why you made the decision and believing it was probably right for your situation, but still grieving and wishing the father had been emotionally present? Or having a really complicated long-term history with the father that made the abortion affect you differently than you expected? I just want to hear from people who understand because I feel really alone in this. And honestly if I had the means and I knew the father was going to be a good dad I would have kept it not saying I think he would be a bad dad but probably just a weekend dad that would what to play house every once in a while