r/TCK

I moved when I was 7 years old and ever since then I've struggled immensely with friendship. I moved to a small village and don't know anyone from my home country or any other TCKs. I've dealt with bullying, changing friend groups constantly and never really connecting or being able to open up to anyone. I feel like I just have a slightly different mentality than the kids here and they can't understand or accept it.

My common sense is different from theirs. My parents say it's because I'm mature. I'm wondering if I'm having so much trouble with friendships because I'm a TCK or because my personality is just weird? Have I not met the right people yet? I feel like from age 7 onwards I've lived in social isolation and I'm seeing now how it's affecting me. I feel constantly depressed, lonely and anxious. I'm sorry I can't word it any better or give more details, I'm very confused myself.

I've thought about joining clubs, but in my area they offer only sports and things that don't interest me, and I don't really want to force myself to spend time on something I don't like doing just for the unlikely event I'll find friends. I've also thought about online communities, but I get really bad anxiety about that (online dangers and I never know how to join the conversations)

If anyone has any tips or help it's much appreciated.

I have lived in 3 different countries and 10 different cities throughout my life and I first started moving when I was around 7 years old. Im about to move to a different country after being in my current country for 12 years and one thing that always hurt me is leaving my friends behind. Anywhere I went I made a group of friends before I had to move again and I would leave them behind, they would go on to create memories and grow up together without me and that is the case for every friend group I have had, and now I cant make friends anymore my social skills have gone down the drain and I feel like making friends is pointless because its a matter of time before I move again. I was just stalking a friend I knew from school he grew up in one city went to the same school and grew up with the people from the city and I think thats beautiful rather than looking around and finding no familiar faces and having to make new friends all over again. I think having childhood friends you grew up with is worth more than meeting new strangers and creating new memories together, don’t get me wrong both are beautiful in their own way but I think growing up in one place makes you feel more settled and gives you the ability to plan ahead for the future, it also gives you a sense of stability. Im grateful for having experienced so many cultures and meeting so many great people but when you have been doing this since you were a kid it gets exhausting.

For those of you who grew up outside your parents’/family’s home country: have you ever felt that not speaking the language (or not speaking it well) makes you feel less connected to your roots?

For example, if your parents are Ecuadorian, Mexican, Colombian, etc., but you grew up in the U.S. and don’t speak Spanish fluently, have you ever felt “less Ecuadorian/Mexican/Colombian” because of it?

Has anyone else ever made you feel that way? Or is it more of an internal feeling?

And for those who did grow up speaking your family’s language, do you think that influenced how connected you feel to your culture?

I’d especially love to hear from people who grew up between two cultures.

For those of you who grew up outside your parents’/family’s home country: have you ever felt that not speaking the language (or not speaking it well) makes you feel less connected to your roots?

For example, if your parents are Ecuadorian, Mexican, Colombian, etc., but you grew up in the U.S. and don’t speak Spanish fluently, have you ever felt “less Ecuadorian/Mexican/Colombian” because of it?

Has anyone else ever made you feel that way? Or is it more of an internal feeling?

And for those who did grow up speaking your family’s language, do you think that influenced how connected you feel to your culture?

I’d especially love to hear from people who grew up between two cultures.

We have been talking this month at TCK Support about how much of what we absorbed about sex, our bodies, and desire came from more than one place at once, and how often those messages didn't agree.

Often the culture we were living in had one set of rules about bodies and affection and the culture our family carried had another. Whatever our home or family's faith added on top could contradict both. A lot of us ended up carrying messages that pulled in completely opposite directions, and no one ever helped us sort them out.

There are a few things that keep coming up:

• Learning one thing about touch and closeness from the world around you, and the opposite at home
• Rules that were different depending on your gender
• The way shame ("something is wrong with me") and guilt ("I did something wrong") can both get wired in when you grow up across more than one system
• Being read by others as one thing (because of your nationality, your race, your gender) while feeling like something else entirely

I'm curious what this was like for other TCKs. Where did you learn what sex and your body were, and did those messages agree with each other?

(Full disclosure: I run a small support community for adult TCKs, and we're actually talking about this on our monthly free call tomorrow, Saturday, if anyone wants to join, link in my profile / happy to share. Mostly I'm genuinely interested in how others experienced this. It's not something we got to talk about much.)