u/andanteccc

We have been talking this month at TCK Support about how much of what we absorbed about sex, our bodies, and desire came from more than one place at once, and how often those messages didn't agree.

Often the culture we were living in had one set of rules about bodies and affection and the culture our family carried had another. Whatever our home or family's faith added on top could contradict both. A lot of us ended up carrying messages that pulled in completely opposite directions, and no one ever helped us sort them out.

There are a few things that keep coming up:

• Learning one thing about touch and closeness from the world around you, and the opposite at home
• Rules that were different depending on your gender
• The way shame ("something is wrong with me") and guilt ("I did something wrong") can both get wired in when you grow up across more than one system
• Being read by others as one thing (because of your nationality, your race, your gender) while feeling like something else entirely

I'm curious what this was like for other TCKs. Where did you learn what sex and your body were, and did those messages agree with each other?

(Full disclosure: I run a small support community for adult TCKs, and we're actually talking about this on our monthly free call tomorrow, Saturday, if anyone wants to join, link in my profile / happy to share. Mostly I'm genuinely interested in how others experienced this. It's not something we got to talk about much.)

Have you ever felt like people misunderstand you right away? They might see you or hear your name and make assumptions that don’t fit. At times, maybe you correct them; other times, it might feel easier to just let it go.

I think many TCKs (including myself) feel stuck between how we are seen and who we really are. Sometimes people treat you like you belong, even when you feel out of place. Other times, you feel like an outsider in the place that is supposed to be home.

This is one of the areas that keeps coming up in our TCK calls:  

• When you say where you're from, what do people assume, and how often is it right?
• Is there a culture that genuinely shaped you that you don't feel allowed to claim?

I put a longer set of these prompts here if it's useful: https://tcksupport.com/tck-journal-prompts-culture-belonging-and-identity/

I also run a free monthly call for adult TCKs, and this month's is on this very topic: getting read wrong and what it means to feel whole across the cultures that shaped you. It's this Saturday, July 4, 10 AM CDT / 3 PM UTC, on Zoom, and it's free and open to any adult TCKs. Details and the link are on the page above if you'd like to come.

Mostly, I want to hear how other people here deal with being misread.

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