r/ThirdCultureKids

I’ve only recently become aware of the fact that ‘third culture kid’ (like me, I guess) was an actual term, and the more I sit with it the more I realise how a lot of my “suffering” comes from that.

I am a dual citizen. I was born in a western country to Middle Eastern parents- making me first gen I guess if we lived there all this time. We left when I was at a relatively young age to a Gulf country (after a two-year stint in an asian country) where I spent more than 20 years, making it essentially the only thing I know, and then I went to the UK for higher education then back to the gulf country. Now, as of a month and a half ago (guess why), I’m (unwillingly) back in my country of birth and I hate it.

I’ve never really belonged anywhere (but the most comfortable I ever felt was in London because no one really gave a shit). Not in the gulf country, not in my parents’ home country (though I speak the language), and not in my birth country. It doesn’t help that my family practices a minority religion that I (secretly) don’t practice anymore, though because of the secrecy I still present as a practicing member and so people treat me accordingly.

I don’t belong anywhere. I know this. It used to make me feel a sort of privilege, because I was lucky enough to get to experience a plethora of cultures and widen my horizons that took me out of the narrow mindedness associated with a lot of the cultures I “belong to” and have experienced.

But now that I actually need to be a fully functional adult with a job (if anyone hires me despite my wonky background- not my words) and an attempt at a social life, I find myself running on empty.

I led myself to think that I can relate to a lot of people. It definitely helped that the internet exists and that globalisation is a thing. But people don’t agree. I speak the language of the western country I’m in, fluently if I may say so myself, but everyone acts like I don’t make any sense- I don’t even have much of an accent. I don’t fully relate to people from my parents’ country because I’ve only ever visited in the summer and I haven’t absorbed the culture so even if they believe I’m ethnically ‘like them’, there’s still a huge barrier that no one is really keen to cross.

And the religion thing doesn’t help at all. I’m not sure if other TCKs have this issue as well, but community is also dependent on religion, so even though I don’t think the same as what I look like, people still treat me accordingly.

On to deeper issues; politics. Though I guess this is also kinda related to religion in a way. My presenting religion is associated with certain politics I disagree with. The western country I’m in has awful politics I also disagree with- though I’ve seen a lot of vocal people my age who have similar politics to mine, even though we ‘look’ different … which is not an issue to me but it feels like it’s an issue for others. My parents’ country politics are a mess I won’t even bother talking about. The politics of the country I’ve lived in the longest are not something I even want to attempt to discuss- at least not yet (for safety reasons).

On top of that, my partner is from yet another country and speaks another language and comes from a different religious background. He expects me to move to his country, which I don’t really mind because I don’t belong anywhere anyway and he’s always lived there and loves it, but it sometimes gives me pause to think of the extra layer of societal rejection I might face- even more so if we have kids….

This is a rant. I definitely realise I have it a lot better than many, and I do feel some guilt about being whiny about this. I’m not sure what I’m expecting by posting this, but I needed to get it off my chest. If anyone relates, or has something to say, please go ahead, let’s talk about it. I am in fact in desperate need to feel like I belong somewhere so why not this sub, right?

At some point being "the new girl" stopped feeling stressful and it became a performance.

I had many friends. And yet somehow, none.

At 30 I finally see the pattern clearly enough to name it. Anyone else grow up like this?

I moved at 14 from one country to another. Where I grew up was diverse and progressive. Where I ended up was the opposite, which I absolutely hated.

In my home country I was already kind of a weird kid, but in the new one I was practically an alien. I didn't fit in at all, I stuck out like a sore thumb because the town was very regional and homogenous, and the isolation I felt was deep even when I (eventually) formed a group of friends. Over time the difference in social norms was enough to make me develop a sort of hyper-vigilance in all my interactions with people.

I returned to my home country as soon as I turned 18, but I found that sense of not fitting in actually followed me there as well. It was like it became baked into my mind.

Does anyone else resonate with this?

I live at a town in indonesia. At east java. I don't like norm of politeness, passive aggressiveness here. The indirect speech to maintain politeness. But i also say passive aggressive thing when i get offended. Bcs direct talk will escalate conflict. idk now bcs i've been social isolating, but when i was at school, it has "saving face" culture. I've read non violence communication too, but afraid of doing it irl especially when dealing with stranger, bcs afraid to be judged as weird. I did practice it before at home, but recently has stopped bcs i feel tired. I need more mental space to do it.

I perceive indirect speech as manipulative and a way to avoid accountability and honesty. I experienced more eased talking with germans. I have tck background in japan too, but also feel not quite liking japanese communication style of politeness, but can't be sure if it was genuine or performative. Indirect speech often irritate me, as i need extra brain work to guess what they meant actually.

Do you have strategy to deal indirect speech when you prefer direct talks, and living in indirect speech country?

Ever since we finally moved back to our home country, thing's haven't looked right for us. It's been 13 yrs and I still feel so SUFFOCATED by my home country to the point where I can't even imagine myself staying anywhere in the country outside the capital city. The Capital city which is filled to the brim with multiple cultures and is honestly the only place in this country where I feel at peace. I know though if I leave ill still feel like a foreigner but I have to try. I'd rather feel like a foreigner in a different country and feel like I can breathe rather than still feel like a foreigner in my own country and feel suffocated. Anyone else feel this way?

Classic TCK: half Khmer-half American, lived in Japan, Thailand, Hungary, Czech, England, etc. etc. - my mother is from Cambodia and I never had the chance to live there (only visited once), and throughout my entire upbringing my mother refused to share anything related to Cambodia with me - no language, no culture, no religion, etc. Now that I'm older and thinking about my role as a mother, it's conflicting to face this Cambodian identity within my family.

I don't want this identity to completely die off, but I'm not sure how I can manage keeping it in my life and my future. I live in Austria now with my Austrian husband and family. Everything I try to do to maintain the Cambodian aspect of my identity and history feels forced and artificial. I feel like I have to just let it go completely and accept that this actually doesn't belong to me.

I don't know how to navigate this and hope some of you might have some insight or thoughts.

Previously I made a post asking you guys where would you settle down, however I wanted to ask you all how has navigating dating and relationships been for you.

I recently reflected back on my dating relationships and noticed that I essentially had to hide a lot of my backstory early on with the person, just because they wouldn't understand and that it would complicate things even more. Only until I felt that this person was serious relationship material, where I would fully elaborate my backstory. Some relationships I had in the past were so short that I didn't even tell them about my backstory, all they know about me is where I currently live.

I sometimes find myself in this paradox where I feel like the reason why I can't find someone compatible is because I cannot be fully genuine without overwhelming the person.

For perspective, I live in North America. Wonder how is dating like for you TCK's in different parts of the world.

Theres always a saying where people go "its better to stay with your own kind", I feel that with us TCK's.

Curious to hear you guy's stories!

I'm in my forties and much of the people who raised me or knew me are passing away. They are all overseas and now I live in an environment that doesn't have any of my culture. I have elementary age kids and they ask me about my childhood and it got me thinking about everything I miss. (We live in my spouse's home country. It's easy for him to find references to explain thing. Internet is great for showing snippets of mine too. BUT I so miss just talking without having to explain everything.)

What experience do you wish someone would just name out loud (from your childhood or your parents did that MADE your childhood) — without you having to explain it? how are you all handling that as older adults who's parents are out of the picture and siblings live far away?

I recently had a medical emergency. My partner said that while in pain, I was muttering in my “second” language, not my primary language.

When I get angry, I often revert to my third language, which cracks my kids up.

I dream in and often talk to myself in the language of my adopted country, even though I don’t currently live there.

It’s like linguistic confusion or something.

Anyone else?

Most of my friends growing up were some shade of Brown and loved Drake. He has adopted Hispanic, Arab, UK/Jamaican, and African American personas to varying degrees. I feel like this is a no-contest proposition.