r/TheTinMen

What is feminism?

Well, to lots of people, it’s an entire way of life. It’s a badge, a t-shirt, it’s the centre point to their friendships, their community, their work, and political identity.

To others, it’s a word they feel is best left avoided.

To some, it’s an entry ticket.

To be waved around enthusiastically by performative men, who are hoping to date women of a left wing persuasion.

And to many, “feminism” is simply a synonym for “gender equality”.

“If you believe in equality, you’re a feminist”, asserts a small army of pop-celebrity feminists, wagging their finger at society, as they attempt to monopolise the concept of gender equality itself.

But I don’t think that’s true.

Feminism doesn’t own the idea of “gender equality”.

Such a thing would be like Cadbury’s trying to own “chocolate”, or Mcdonald’s trying to claim “French fries”, or Walkers putting their flag down into “crisps”.

No.

Feminism is a particular means of reaching said equality, that is based upon a series of theoretical ideas and frameworks, loosely woven together, into a political movement.

Simply – gender equality is the mountain, and feminism is one (of many) roads that promises to take us to it.

And yes, there are other roads.

I know this to be true, because the vast majority (83%) of people polled in the UK believe in total equality of the sexes… but only 35% of those polled identify as “feminists”.

I know, some will claim that those 83% are disillusioned “secret feminists”, but that doesn’t answer the question:

If feminism really is about gender equality, then why do most people who believe in such a noble cause, identity as something else?

It’s a good question.

So what is feminism?

And why do so few identify as such?

What do you think?

~
Are you a Feminist? YouGov (UK)

Why are you not a feminist? YouGov (US)

There are few things more painful in life than when a parent loses a child.

I remember, it was in school where I first learnt that the ‘loss of a child’ is the highest ranked, most distressing life-changing moment a person can experience, at 100 LCUs.

But what happens when you find out a child is not yours?

What happens if you ‘lose’ a child that was never yours, but that of another man?

How can we quantify that?

Well, such a thing is called “paternity fraud”, and despite being a prevalent (albeit controversial) issue, it has still failed to be taken seriously, beyond becoming a prop for low-effort day time television, where bewildered looking men are wheeled out, so they can have their lives smashed apart, in front of a live TV audience.

So is it time we had a better conversation, about something that impacts roughly one in 25 dads?

Is it time we talked about paternity fraud?

What do you think?

Full podcast with Ryan Rogers here https://open.spotify.com/episode/6AJ4Si3WEMR8t6cYISUski

Last week I shared a post in an attempt to close the understanding gap between men and women, with a carousel that allowed men to share things about themselves, that women didn’t seem to understand about them.

And now, of course, the second half to this process is to reverse things.

A no less important chance for men to understand women, to see their lived experiences, and understand the world they live in.

So women, what is a myth about women?

What do you think?

The world is wrong about men.

No, we are not secretly part of some tyrannical gender oppressor class, whose sole mission is to crush the spirit of women, to exploit their labour, and oppress them through fear of violence.

There are certainly many men out there who do these things, far too many of them; but the reality is, that most men (the vast majority) are hugely supportive of women’s rights, and their hard won, thoroughly deserved freedoms.

In fact, a recent working study by the National Bureau of Economic Research, that surveyed men and women across 60 countries (which covers about 80% of the world’s population) found that 91% of people support women’s freedom to work, which although being 9% too low, is far higher than what people expect that percentage to be.

Yes, the study thought that number would be significantly (-20%) lower.

More surprising, is the study found that we underestimate men’s support most all, particularly men in the developing world.

Think about that...

It seems like, the TV trope of the angry patriarchal man oppressing women in some far flung part of the world, isn’t particularly accurate either; and in fact, such a man is (statistically speaking) the most misunderstood demographic of all.

The same survey found a similar detachment between reality and expectations when it comes to public support of affirmative action.

Unlike the first question, people were found to overestimate public support for such policies, particularly in the West, and especially amongst women.

Yup, not only do we underestimate how many men in the developing world support women’s rights, but the same study finds that we are similar naive about western women, in how little they actually do support affirmative action.

However you put it, it really seems that – what we think about people, and who they really are, are often distant friends of one another.

So, are we wrong about the world?

Are we too cynical, particularly of men, in how many support women’s rights?

And does our chronically online, deeply divisive relationship with social media, only make this problem worse?

What do you think?

~

Source National Bureau of Economic Research(working paper) https://www.nber.org/system/files/working_papers/w31049/w31049.pdf

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who flatly hates you, simply because you’re a man.

Imagine someone bragging about such a dynamic, posting about it relentlessly online, with thousands and thousands of equally narrow-minded bigots clapping you along, as you belch out more, and different kinds, of ignorance.

Imagine thinking that hating men in this way, was not only excusable, but something to be commended; and that holding such views made you powerful, independent, and strong.

Well, welcome to social media, and the endless whines of the man-hating pity-party, who call this place their home.

The absolute irony is how many of those who claim to “hate men”, often retain enough self-awareness to caveat such a statement with “…but not my man, he’s a sweet heart!”

Similarly, scrolling into the comments you’ll see hundreds of people doing the same; hating men, and then quickly carving out various exclusions for the countless men who they love in their life.

And there we have it.

The angry army who boast of “hating men”, then dote over the men in their life, who are wonderful.

And I am sure these men are wonderful.

In fact, they must surely be, if they are to tolerate someone who says such things about them online.

But this does bring up an interesting point of view – that these abstract “men” who they hate, are surely the loved ones of someone else?

Someone else’s loving husband, another mum’s hard working son, or just a brilliant brother, looking out for his sister…

So who even is this “men” who I hear spoken about with such endless cynicism and venom?

Because I, like most people, am surrounded by wonderful, kind, loving men too, who I am blessed to have in my life – and then I look around for this “men” who I hear everyone hates, and…. who are they?

So, are you tired of this endless gender war?

Are you bored of the lazy smears, the group think, and desperate grabs for likes and clicks?

And don’t we deserve better than this?

What do you think?

Once again this week, we must go into the fray of controversy, as yet more has arrived…

This time at the World Cup by the hands of Belgium winger Jérémy Doku, who has urgently returned home to be present for the birth of his first child.

You might think such a thing, in our current landscape, would be seen as an entirely normal thing for a parent to do, or admirable in fact.

Perhaps this could even be a unique opportunity to talk about the essential role of men in families; to celebrate the importance of good fathers, and to remind the world that the birth of a child is unlike anything else, and that includes playing in the World Cup.

And to many it was.

Jérémy Doku was celebrated by a lot of journalists, players, mums, and new dads.

With many exchanging stories of similar times, when players and pundits have suddenly answered the phone, and run off to support the mother of their child.

But sadly… not everyone was happy…

Other journalists called Jérémy a ‘deserter’, as ‘useless’ and ‘an extra’ to the birth, which was itself dubbed ‘a disgusting moment’, by L’Equipe news presenter, France Pierron.

Pierron sneered at the very point of a dad even being there at all, ‘they hold your hand and take a photo’ but besides that they are ‘useless’.

And since, the happy family, and their newly born son, have become a lightening rod for debate around fatherhood…

Such an ongoing event has become yet another reminder that, for many, there is still a long way to go in reminding the world that dads matter too, and that not all goals are found on the football field.

So is Jérémy a deserter, or a king?

And what does modern fatherhood mean to you?

What do you think?

It seems that, unlike ever before, women and men couldn’t be further apart.

We see this divide particularly between young people, especially online, which creates a self perpetuating problem that can only make the situation worse.

That is because, as men and women drift away from one another, it becomes increasingly difficult to hear what the other has to say.

Increasingly impossible to understand the lived experiences of the opposite sex, and all too easy to dehumanize and further alienate the ‘other’.

So what better time is there to give each other a space to speak frankly to the opposite sex, to bring these understandings closer together…

With that, I want to ask men, what do women not understand about men?

What do you think?

More here