r/UnfunnyHellhole

every now and then there comes one of those franchises that is so ingrained in pop culture for a time that it feels like everyone is talking about it and it's completely inescapable. and normally when one of those franchises come along... I couldn't care less. game of thrones is one of those franchises. I have never watched it, and I likely never will. that hasn't stopped my brother from talking about it every god damn day.

he is fully aware I don't care about game of thrones. he is fully aware that whatever he says about it is likely to go in one ear and out the other. yet for some reason, we cannot have a single conversation without it being brought up. my brother watches game of thrones on an infinite loop: after watching the final episode, the next thing he watches is the first episode. I don't know how he does it: watching the same thing over and over again sounds like HELL.

for some reason, he feels the need to keep me updated on where he's at in the series. and he never talks about it like it's a show, my brother talks about game of thrones like its current events happening in our world RIGHT NOW. we could talk about actual real-world politics like normal adults do, but instead my brother insists about talking about the fictional politics of a fictional universe I have no connection to as if every decision the characters make have ramifications on our real lives! I'm 31 and my brother is 28, by the way.

but recently I started wondering: how much of this information have I retained? could I, a person who has never seen game of thrones, possibly recap all of games of thrones? well, we're about to find out. I'm going to recap all of game of thrones in hopes that this ends our incredibly one-sided conversations about game of thrones once and for all!

so, game of thrones is about a bunch of people from five different kingdoms fighting over something called the iron throne. I assume whoever has the iron throne will rule the world or something, but I'm not sure. it could be they just want it because it's a really nice throne. seems a little too pointy to actually sit on.

one of the five kingdoms is called "Westeros"... I have no idea what the other four kingdoms are called, but there are other groups of people called the targaryans and the delthraki. I assume each of them represent some of the other kingdoms. I think this world also has tree people and maybe something called frost giants? that sounds like something a dumb fantasy world would have.

anyway, apparently in this world seasons last a really long time, so everyone's always talking about how winter is coming. maybe that has something to do with the frost giants? well, one of our main characters is named "john snow", and while I'm not sure if his last name relates to the impending winter in any way, this guy is one of the main characters the story focuses on.

other main characters include Arya stark, who I think was one of the playable characters in multi versus before it shut down, and Peter Dinklage. there's also some dragon lady named Daenerys, and I think she's forced to marry Aqua Man at some point. but then Aqua man dies.

yes, most of my brother's conversations revolve around some character who's being a jerk, only for them to get their narrative comeuppance when they inevitably die an unceremonious death. game of thrones seems to be a show that is required by law to kill off a major character every single episode. like apparently there's this ass hole prince who dies, then there's some slave traders who die, some kind of evil demon worshipping cult that dies. even John snow dies, but apparently, they're able to bring him back with the dragon balls or something.

well, I guess after Aqua man dies, Daenerys hatches some dragon eggs and goes on a quest to free the slaves from some bad guys who own slaves. Daenerys also is immune to fire for some reason, so her clothes are constantly getting burned off so she can walk around naked. apparently, there's a lot of nudity and sex scenes in this show. gross.

but then we get the most important character in all of game of thrones: hodor! this is the character my brother talks about the most. this character, who is apparently extremely crucial to the plot of game of thrones, is a servant to the starks whose purpose is to hold the door open. apparently "hodor" is his attempt at saying "hold door", and that is all he can say, so everyone decided to call him hodor.

in one of the most tragic scenes in all of game of thrones, a group of frost giants attack the stark's castle. hodor, being his usual door holding self, holds the door open as the frost giants kill him. his final words were "hodor". this scene really left an impression on my brother... he tells me about it every time it happens as if every viewing of Game of thrones is a ground hog day loop in which Hodor is destined to die. sometimes my brother holds out hope that things will be different and Hodor can somehow escape from his fate, but that is not how TV shows work.

one time I asked my brother why they don't just bring Hodor back to life like they did with John snow. or why they don't just bring back any character that dies, for that matter? what's stopping them from doing it? my brother seemed to get mad at the question and acted like I was dumb for asking it.

another character my brother seems quite fond of is "the mountain", played by an enormous actor named Harfbor Johnson, this character is responsible for roughly half the deaths that take place in the show. statistically, this is probably the guy who kills John snow. that'd be my guess, don't quote me on it.

what I am sure of is that at some point Daenerys and John snow meet up and fall in love because Daenerys is... such a good person. you know, because she freed the slaves... and set all the slave owners on fire! but uh oh, turns out Daerys is John snow's aunt... apparently there's a lot of incest in game of thrones. from the way my brother describes the show it seems like the target audience consists mostly of horny degenerates, but given how popular this show is, either my brother's descriptions are greatly exaggerated, or I underestimated how horny the general public is.

ah, but who could be hornier than the author himself? game of thrones is adapted from a book series written by George RR martin. I think this guy and Gabe Newell might secretly be the same guy: much like how Gabe Newell refuses to release half life 3, George RR Martin has not written a book in over 20 years. my brother seems convinced modern medicine will keep this guy alive long enough to finish his series, but that's ridiculous: only politicians are allowed to live past their 90s.

as a result, the latter seasons were based on Gabe Newell's notes rather than any actual books, so the final season was incredibly rushed. for some reason Daenerys burns down westeros. it may seem odd since she was practically a saint earlier, but apparently Daenerys was always a pyromaniac and the people she burned earlier just happened to be slave owners. Daenerys apparently comes from a long line of conquerors, so like, burning down entire kingdoms is the only solution she has to her problems. I guess the lesson the audience is supposed to take away from her downfall is that... war is bad?

well, John snow emerges from the ice (whatever the hell that means) and kills Daenerys, thereby teaching the audience the important moral lesson that war and incest are bad. because Daenerys kills all the bad people and then John snow kills Daenerys, I guess the battle for the Iron throne ends. I have absolutely no Idea who gets it in the end... my brother must have left out that part. maybe it was Peter Dinklage. I think he'd make a good king. have you seen his space pants?

so apparently, I didn't actually retain that much info from game of thrones. it could be that I'm a bad listener, but it's much more likely that my brother is a bad storyteller. every time he has me accompany him on a walk while he plays pokemon go, he goes on and on about all these epic battles, with the story usually ending with "and then (insert character name here) died". but without any real context for what led up to it and why it matters, it all just sounds like completely meaningless sex and violence. how am I supposed to remember any of this? I don't know these people!

Game of thrones has ended, and everyone was pissed off about the ending. my brother continues to watch it on an endless loop while the rest of the world has moved on. I have no idea what message GabeGeorge Newell Martin was trying to pass onto the readers when he wrote his story, as it has been lost in the transition between him writing it, HBO adapting it, and my brother talking about it. but my brother and I have been living together for over a year now, and this is the message I hope to pass on to him: STOP TALKING ABOUT GAME OF THRONES!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT GAME OF THRONES!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?

Did you no? Sonic the hedgehog, the beloved video game Icon, had his first game released 25 years ago in 1989. Today we celebrate sonic for being the single greatest video game character of all time. If your like me, and I know I am, then you LOVE sonic the hedgehog. Sonic is known for being the fastest thing alive, But throughout the years, one question has perspired: does sonic gotta go fast? Join me up on my high horse as we take a look at sonic’s life story, and finally find out what makes this tumblr sexy man of hedgehogg always run faster than the speed of light. perchance.

what set’s sonic apart from other video game characters of the time is his ability to go left and right. Pushing left on the control pad allowes sonic to move left, while pushing right on the control pad will instead move sonic to the right. What set’s sonic apart from other video game characters of the time is his speed. Most other video game characters are slow, but not sonic the hedgehog, no way no how. Sonic the hedgehog is Fast as Fuck! Why would anyone want to walk slow like a bitch when they could run fast like sonic? Sonic’s speed has always been the key to his success, and what sets sonic apart from other video game characters of the time is that he’s both fast AND Cool. Oh yeah, Baby!

and of course, we cannot talk about Sonic the hedgehog without talking about the music in sonic games. We quite literally can not! Refusing to talk about sonic music is punishable by up to 20 years of crabstration. Sonic tunes are like butter, and in sonic the hedgehog 3, they even got Michael Jackson involved. of course, in later rereleases of sonic 3, they had to remove Michael Jackson due to the fact that Michael Jackson is some kind of SICK FREAK. But even tue this day, listening to the sonic the airhog soundtrack is enough to melt your face off. Perchance. Those are some sick groves, sonic.

in all of sonixs adventures, he fights against Dr. Eggman, a fat red man with a mustache. But did you notice anything conspicuous about Eggmn’s appearance? That’s right, my friends. As we all know, Eggman is actually an anagram for Joseph Stalin. He always trapping small animalts in robits in order to industrialize sonic’s world. one of the most auspicious reasons sonic funs faster than the univers it’s self is because he’s trying to outrun communism. Perchance. It’s like they always say: you can take the hedgehog out of the green hill zone, but you can’t take the green hillz hedge out of the zone hog. Our cause is a just one.

sonic is not along in his indevers. Sonic the hedgefund had many a friends by his side at all time. starting in sonic 2, sonic would be Joined by Miles “tails” prower tails the fox. This fluffy little yellow guy is able to use his tails like a helicopter, helping sonic fly over ostacles; tails can be controlled by player 2, but player one sonic will usually run much faster than tails, leaving him behind. But worry not my happy little fox trotters, as tails will always come back, flying to his best friend sinic’s side. sweet, sweet lemonade.

starting with sonic 3 and knuckles, sonic wood also be Joined by another friend, Knuckles the echidna. Knuckles LOVES women. He said so himself in an episode of the hit Tv series sonic underground: “I may be a meat head but I’m also a feminist”. That’s why Knuckles are such good friends with rogue the bat. Perchance. How holesome, knuckles is. There’s a good reason why he’s irrestopibly concindered one of the sonic heroes.

as sonic runs through all the green hill zones, he picks up many rings along the way. why does sonic do this? well, starting in sonic CD, we introduced to Sonic’s girlfriend, Amy the rose. Sonic looks for all the rings and the chaos diamonds because he’s trying to impress her. but Amy love sonic for who he is. Perchance. I hope they have a happy life together in hell.

Yeehaw, pardner. We love team chaotics here in the old west. Vector the crocodile, charmy bee and everyone’s favorite, espio the chameleon. Espio is a ninja. Everybody loves ninjas. Why would you not love ninjas? What the hell is wrong with you? a treu shindobi warrior never unraveals himself. Hide your husbands, boys.

starting with the sega Saturn, Sonic would make the leap into the thirt dimension starting with sonic adventure. Too this day, many people still await sonic to make the Jump to the 4th dimension. Perchance. But what many people don’t realize is that the forth dimensnion does not exist, as neither does the 1st or second. what we call the third dimension is all there is, all else is man made concepts. Just like time it’s self. The only reason humans began to measure the earth’s rotation around the earth is because we are all going to die some day. Even the fastest thing alive cannot outrun his own mortality, so why should we? Engrace the time you have left, for it is limited. Eat chilli dogs and collect rare gem stones. We are all sonic.

and now for the hedgehog who needs no introductions. Allow me to introduce you to sonic the hedgehog himself. H’es cool, his blue, and hes fast. What more due I need to say? Sonic is the greatest hedgehero in all of video gaming. Trhu out tens of adventures, shonic has met many friends, all of whom celebrate his birthday. But one of sonic’’s greatest friends of all is himself. In sonic generalizations, sonic teams up with his passed self to go on the ultimate adventure of two lifetimes. Soni’c from the past, called “”classic sonic”, is much shorter than modern sonic. People grow, and so does sonic. Perchance.

sonic has ashieved many comploshintments through his years, appearing in super smashed brothers mellee, competing in the Olympics, and got many spin off games like sonic spinball and Dr. eggbot’s lean mean bean fighting machine. too this day, there’s not a single person on earth who doen’t known sonic. He’s more famous than Jesus christ himself. Aint that the truth?

but before we continue talking about how much we love Sonic, I need to tell you about today’s sponsor. Today’s video is sponsored by raid shadow legends, the biggest mobile RPG of all time! choose from hundreds of different champions and take on the dungeon boss, alone or with friends. The community is growing faster than ever, and it’s a perfect time to join in on the fun. And it’s completely free! Use the code in the description to get 50,00 free silver and an epic hero to add to your collection. Perchance. Good luck, and I’ll see you on the battlefield! Now, where was I?

starting with sonic 3 and knuckles, sonic would also be Joined by another frend, Knuckles the echilada. Knuckles HATES Women. Just look at sonic adventure, Knuckles spends the entire game beating up rouge the bat. And honestly, that whore deserves it. Rouge the bat? More like Rogue the bitch. Am I right yall?

as sonic strolls around past the speed of sound, tripping balls through greenhill zone, he picks up many rings along the way. but why does sonic never give any of these rings to his long time girlfriend, Amy the rose.? Is sonic afraid of commitment? Is that why he’s running? You’re never going to compress her like that, sonic. All I’m saying is if Sonic liked it, then mayhaps he should have put a ring on it. some people just want to watch the world burn.

soncs is always alone in his endebers because he abandoned his good friend miles the tails the prower in favor of a weird little dog thing named chip.sonic turned into a werehog, a mix between a werewolf and a hengehog. This was during sonic’s cringeworthy teenag years when he started reading twilight. Perchance. When sonic is werehoff, he is’nt fats at all. They did give him weird stretchy hands, but those aren’t going to help sonic when he’s gotta go fast. Got milk?

sonic was a constent disappointment in everyone’s lives, which is why starting with sonic adventure 2, sage indicted Shadow the hedgegog into the franchise. Shadow is the cooler, edgier, antisystemetic hedgehog ment to replace sonic in the hearts of the fans. Perchance. And who wouldn’t love shadow? He’s so sexy. He looks like if a hedgehog and a hottopic had a midnight love child. Shadow is so much better than that loser, sonic. Sonic may be fastter than the speed of light, but shadow is faster than the speed of dark. While sonic’s out here still trying to fit into his big boy pants, Shadow the Absolute unit is kicking major ass. How’s that for a pipe and smoke it?

in all of sonic adventure’s, he fights against Dr. robotnic, a fat elderly man with a mustache. And that’s great because old people suck. All they do is take up space and ruin the economy. the economy sucks. No wonder why in Shadow the hedgehog for the Nintendo gamecube, shadow fights the US government. He even destroys the whitehouse with a giant space laser. Whos laughing now>?

while shadow looks for that damn fourth chaos emerald, we have another hegdegod to talk about; silver the hedgehog! Initial introduce in sonic the hedgehog 2006, the game where sonic kisses a human girl because he’s gay, we also meat Silve the hedgehog, an awesome hedgehog from the future sent back to stop sonic from kissing the princess. Silver has cool psychic powers, but they’re not as cool as shadow’s awesome darkness powers. But stil way cooler than sonic, who doesn’t process any powers at all. He can just run a little fast. Perchance. Not cool, bozo.

shiver me timbers has a really cool friend all the time friend named blazes the cat. This cat is on fire!!!!!!! Blaaze is like a hedgehog if a hedgehog was a cat, and she’s even faster than snonic. Austencibly, There are two cats in the sonic series, one of them is big the cat, and he’s a lorge cat looking for froggy. Both of them are purple, but neither of them are ninjas. But the best part about blaze is that she is the size of the average human mother.

nowadays, sonic does nothing but release crappy iphon james. Each game more gristueshous than the last. Just looks at sonic frontiers, sonic copied legend of Zelda breaths of the wild by trying to make his own opened world game. THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Sonic is just a shell of his former self, and he was never cool in the first place. His first game ever, sonic the hedgehog 2, is an over rated piece of dumpster fire. And where is sonic adventure 3, Reggie!?

Soniff the hibhob is a shamm. He’s extabably the worst thing to ever happen, and a stain on mankinds otherwise ambroshous record. Play a real game, like super mario. Mario is based and redpiled. The embodiment of masculinity it’s self. Just look at that mustache. No villain would ever have a mustache. Mario stomps on turtlels all day while sonic goes around cheating on his grillfran amy with a human princess. What a disgraced! If you;;’d ask me, your’e much better off spending your limited time on this planet playing Mario than letting that piece of shit sonic the eggnog play with your heart. Don’t let your children near sonsic, let them near a trustworthy roll model like Michael Jackson. They’ll grow up to be respecitable members of susiety that way. Perchance.

thank’s for watching this video. Make sure to like and subscribe if you know whats good for you. and remember to leave a comment down below telling me why you love sonic the hedgehog more than life itself. Fuck you, and have a great day.

I bifi my roll until it hot