I was an early adopter of the switch 2. I preordered it from Walmart, and for some reason, they sent me a bottle of coke and a can of sour cream and onion pringles. they called them "gamer ready snacks".
It's been a funny story I bring up from time to time, but I've never heard from anyone who had a similar experience. did anyone else get free soda and chips, or was it just me?
Alright boys and girls, it's story time. Today we'll be reading a classic, "little red riding hood", written by the Brothers Grimm. Or maybe it was Charles Perrault? Could even be Egbert of Liège. Who knows, Plagiarism was all over the place back then because everyone was too busy dying from the black plague to bother protecting their intellectual properties.
Once Upon a time there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. it was quite an odd name, but her parents were the kind of people who were desperate for attention, so they made sure all their children's names were "unique" so they could brag about breaking away from societal norms on social media, never once thinking about the consequences of their actions. they say that when Little Red Riding Hood was old enough to get her driver's license, it read "Hood, LRR".
one day, Little Red Riding Hood's mother handed Little Red Riding hood a basket full of goodies and told Little Red Riding hood to take it to her Grandmother's house on the other side of the forest. "Why can't you just get door dash to do it?", Little Red Riding Hood asked her mother. but Little Red Riding Hood's mother insisted she do it to get out of the house, saying she needed her "ME time". as Little Red Riding Hood was about to leave, her mother gave her a final warning. "Make sure to stay on the road, and don't talk to any strange wolves. I hear wolves love to eat little girls like you".
"Then WHY are you sending me into danger?", little red riding hood asked. but it was too late, her mother had already put in her Airpods.
Little Red Riding Hood followed the road like her mother said. the large tree's casted shadows in the woods. this was the kind of place where anyone, especially a wolf, could get away with anything, under the trees where nobody sees.
suddenly, a small bird flew up to little red riding hood. the bird was rather friendly, landing on little red riding hood's finger.
"Hello little girl, what have you got there?", the friendly bird asked.
"it's a basket of Goodies. for my Grandmother", little red riding hood responded.
the bird inspected the goodies, taking a good look while scratching it's chin with it's wing.
"Listen Girl, the price of Goodies are skyrocketing these days. soon you won't be able to afford Goodies your current salary. if you want any hope of actually retiring one day, you should try investing in bird coin."
"uh, what's bird coin?", little red riding hood asked?
"Bird coin is the hottest new crypto currency on the market. if you don't buy it now, you'll regret it later." the bird says confidently.
little red riding hood raises an eyebrow. "can bird coin be used to buy goodies or pay the bills?"
the bird gets a nervous look on it's face. "well, not YET. but only because the Government doesn't want you to know about it. but trust me, soon enough Bird coin will replace the dollar. it's inevitable."
little red riding hood places the bird on the ground, continuing her trip to her grandmother's house. "you'll regret it", the bird says. but little red riding hood pays him no mind.
little red riding hood continues her walk, but is eventually stopped by a monkey, who leaps out of one of the nearby trees. the Monkey asks "whatcha got there, girly?". little red riding hood sighs, once more informing the talking animal that she's taking a basket of goodies to her Grandmother's house.
the Monkey picks it's nose absentmindedly, not really listening to what little red riding hood was saying and only snapping back to reality once goodies are mentioned.
"you know, baskets of goodies are stolen quite often around these parts. especially by wolves. wolves are always stealing goodies, can never be too careful", the monkey rambles. "that's why you should invest in NFGs (Non-Fungible Goodies)."
"uh, what's the between Non-Fungible Goodies and regular goodies?", little red riding hood asks.
"it means they're in the block chain", the monkey responds confidently.
"... what does that mean?", little red riding hood asks, almost afraid to hear the answer.
"it means they destroyed an entire rainforest to make them possible", the monkey says proudly. he pulls out a few poorly drawn images of various monkeys, offering them to little red riding hood.
"why would I want these?", little red riding hood asks, clearly disgusted by the images.
"because they're in the blockchain", the monkey responds.
little red riding hood walks away from the monkey and his silly drawings. "you'll regret it", the monkey says. little red riding hood picks up the pace, walking slightly faster than before.
suddenly, a massive Grizzly bear emerges from the bushes. Little red riding hood screams, fearing for her life.
"whoa, sorry for startling you little girl. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm not a WOLF", the massive bear says.
little red riding hood walks passed the bear, but unfortunately, the bear starts following her.
"got any questions, little girl?"
"yeah, why are you following me?", red riding hood asks.
"well, if you got any questions and need answers right now, you should try asking Grizzly AI", the bear says, pulling out a phone from the folds in his fur. "watch this: Ok Grizzly AI, who's the Governor of California?"
the robotic voice takes a moment to respond, then says "the Governor of California is Arnold Schwarzenegger". the bear smiles. "see, what'd I tell ya? impressive, isn't it?"
Little red riding hood frowns. "that information is severely outdated", she says.
the bear sweats a little. "hang on, it can help you with your day to day problems. watch this: ok Grizzly AI, I'm planning on dying my white clothes red. tell me the ingredients needed to make red Dye."
the Robotic voice produces a list of ingredients: Red Lizalfos Tail, Octorock eyeball, and four hylian shrooms. the bear looks at little red riding hood, a smug grin forming on his face. "see, a perfect recipe" the bear says.
"those are fictional items from a video game", little red riding hood informs the bear.
the bear, desperate to save face, tries to stop little red riding hood from walking away. "uh.. uh... did I mention it can also create images!? Grizzly AI, generate an image of me with super smash bros director masahiro sakurai!" the bear says. Grizzly AI creates an image of a bear with too many fingers standing next to a black man.
Little red riding hood starts running. "you can't escape Grizzly AI: it comes pre-installed on all Grizzly devices! Resistance is futile!".
suddenly, a doglike creature appears in front of little red riding hood, bearing it's fangs! little red riding hood takes a defensive stance, asking "are you the wolf!?"
like all the animals, this one begins speaking. "No, I'm not a wolf. I'm a FOX! calling me a wolf is racist."
little red riding hood relaxes a bit. "ok, I'm sorry for calling you a wolf. but what do you want? you're not trying to sell me something, are you?"
the fox tilts his head to the side. "why would I try to sell you something? I don't even know you." the fox responds. little red riding hood lets out a sigh of relief.
but just then, the fox turns to the camera "by the way... today's story is brought to you by the hottest free to play mobile game on the market: AFK Shadow Arena legends! build up your kingdom so you can collect materials to build your kingdom! spend real life money to gather materials or speed up the building process! once your castle is completed, you can either upgrade to a better castle, or build one of many different facilities that'll help you gather more resources! use the code FOX or the link in the description to claim 1000 free silver today!"
little red riding hood stares at the fox for a moment. "wait.. is this even a game? where does the actual gameplay come in?"
the fox is thrown off by this question. "uhh... gameplay?" he says.
"you know, the actual gameplay. is it an RPG? do you fight other kingdoms? what's the point of collecting all these materials and upgrading your kingdom?"
the fox looks around, desperate for someone to bail him out. "uh... the point is... to spend money?"
Little red riding hood tells the fox to go to hell, as she continues to her Grandmother's house. "it's free to play... technically", the fox says.
Little Red Riding hood had had enough of all these animals. she would rather see the wolf at this point, just to get it over with.
as little red riding hood continues her journey, she passes an elephant wearing a red hat. normally there aren't elephants living in the woods, but here he was, acting like he owned the place. little red riding hood does not stop or slow down.
"goodies, huh?", the elephant says to little red riding hood like he thinks he's better than her. "you know, goodies are actually made out of HUMAN BABIES! but the Donkeys don't want you to know that."
little red riding hood keeps walking.
"you can't run from the truth. the earth is flat! but you're a sheep! Baa! Baa, I say!"
exhausted, little red riding hood enters her grandmother's house.
her grandmother is sitting in bed. "welcome, my sweet grandchild. what brings you to these parts of the woods?"
little red riding hood sets the goodies on a nearby table. "my mom made me bring you these goodies. here you go."
the grandmother smiles. "my goodness, you're such a sweet child."
little red riding hood looks out the window, a frown forming on her face. "Grandma, you should move somewhere else. all the animals that live around here are fucking idiots."
the grandmother smiles. "I know, child. I know. but at least there are no wolves."
the end.
Alright boys and girls, it's story time. Today we'll be reading a classic, "little red riding hood", written by the Brothers Grimm. Or maybe it was Charles Perrault? Could even be Egbert of Liège. Who knows, Plagiarism was all over the place back then because everyone was too busy dying from the black plague to bother protecting their intellectual properties.
Once Upon a time there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. it was quite an odd name, but her parents were the kind of people who were desperate for attention, so they made sure all their children's names were "unique" so they could brag about breaking away from societal norms on social media, never once thinking about the consequences of their actions. they say that when Little Red Riding Hood was old enough to get her driver's license, it read "Hood, LRR".
one day, Little Red Riding Hood's mother handed Little Red Riding hood a basket full of goodies and told Little Red Riding hood to take it to her Grandmother's house on the other side of the forest. "Why can't you just get door dash to do it?", Little Red Riding Hood asked her mother. but Little Red Riding Hood's mother insisted she do it to get out of the house, saying she needed her "ME time". as Little Red Riding Hood was about to leave, her mother gave her a final warning. "Make sure to stay on the road, and don't talk to any strange wolves. I hear wolves love to eat little girls like you".
"Then WHY are you sending me into danger?", little red riding hood asked. but it was too late, her mother had already put in her Airpods.
Little Red Riding Hood followed the road like her mother said. the large tree's casted shadows in the woods. this was the kind of place where anyone, especially a wolf, could get away with anything, under the trees where nobody sees.
suddenly, a small bird flew up to little red riding hood. the bird was rather friendly, landing on little red riding hood's finger.
"Hello little girl, what have you got there?", the friendly bird asked.
"it's a basket of Goodies. for my Grandmother", little red riding hood responded.
the bird inspected the goodies, taking a good look while scratching it's chin with it's wing.
"Listen Girl, the price of Goodies are skyrocketing these days. soon you won't be able to afford Goodies your current salary. if you want any hope of actually retiring one day, you should try investing in bird coin."
"uh, what's bird coin?", little red riding hood asked?
"Bird coin is the hottest new crypto currency on the market. if you don't buy it now, you'll regret it later." the bird says confidently.
little red riding hood raises an eyebrow. "can bird coin be used to buy goodies or pay the bills?"
the bird gets a nervous look on it's face. "well, not YET. but only because the Government doesn't want you to know about it. but trust me, soon enough Bird coin will replace the dollar. it's inevitable."
little red riding hood places the bird on the ground, continuing her trip to her grandmother's house. "you'll regret it", the bird says. but little red riding hood pays him no mind.
little red riding hood continues her walk, but is eventually stopped by a monkey, who leaps out of one of the nearby trees. the Monkey asks "whatcha got there, girly?". little red riding hood sighs, once more informing the talking animal that she's taking a basket of goodies to her Grandmother's house.
the Monkey picks it's nose absentmindedly, not really listening to what little red riding hood was saying and only snapping back to reality once goodies are mentioned.
"you know, baskets of goodies are stolen quite often around these parts. especially by wolves. wolves are always stealing goodies, can never be too careful", the monkey rambles. "that's why you should invest in NFGs (Non-Fungible Goodies)."
"uh, what's the between Non-Fungible Goodies and regular goodies?", little red riding hood asks.
"it means they're in the block chain", the monkey responds confidently.
"... what does that mean?", little red riding hood asks, almost afraid to hear the answer.
"it means they destroyed an entire rainforest to make them possible", the monkey says proudly. he pulls out a few poorly drawn images of various monkeys, offering them to little red riding hood.
"why would I want these?", little red riding hood asks, clearly disgusted by the images.
"because they're in the blockchain", the monkey responds.
little red riding hood walks away from the monkey and his silly drawings. "you'll regret it", the monkey says. little red riding hood picks up the pace, walking slightly faster than before.
suddenly, a massive Grizzly bear emerges from the bushes. Little red riding hood screams, fearing for her life.
"whoa, sorry for startling you little girl. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm not a WOLF", the massive bear says.
little red riding hood walks passed the bear, but unfortunately, the bear starts following her.
"got any questions, little girl?"
"yeah, why are you following me?", red riding hood asks.
"well, if you got any questions and need answers right now, you should try asking Grizzly AI", the bear says, pulling out a phone from the folds in his fur. "watch this: Ok Grizzly AI, who's the Governor of California?"
the robotic voice takes a moment to respond, then says "the Governor of California is Arnold Schwarzenegger". the bear smiles. "see, what'd I tell ya? impressive, isn't it?"
Little red riding hood frowns. "that information is severely outdated", she says.
the bear sweats a little. "hang on, it can help you with your day to day problems. watch this: ok Grizzly AI, I'm planning on dying my white clothes red. tell me the ingredients needed to make red Dye."
the Robotic voice produces a list of ingredients: Red Lizalfos Tail, Octorock eyeball, and four hylian shrooms. the bear looks at little red riding hood, a smug grin forming on his face. "see, a perfect recipe" the bear says.
"those are fictional items from a video game", little red riding hood informs the bear.
the bear, desperate to save face, tries to stop little red riding hood from walking away. "uh.. uh... did I mention it can also create images!? Grizzly AI, generate an image of me with super smash bros director masahiro sakurai!" the bear says. Grizzly AI creates an image of a bear with too many fingers standing next to a black man.
Little red riding hood starts running. "you can't escape Grizzly AI: it comes pre-installed on all Grizzly devices! Resistance is futile!".
suddenly, a doglike creature appears in front of little red riding hood, bearing it's fangs! little red riding hood takes a defensive stance, asking "are you the wolf!?"
like all the animals, this one begins speaking. "No, I'm not a wolf. I'm a FOX! calling me a wolf is racist."
little red riding hood relaxes a bit. "ok, I'm sorry for calling you a wolf. but what do you want? you're not trying to sell me something, are you?"
the fox tilts his head to the side. "why would I try to sell you something? I don't even know you." the fox responds. little red riding hood lets out a sigh of relief.
but just then, the fox turns to the camera "by the way... today's story is brought to you by the hottest free to play mobile game on the market: AFK Shadow Arena legends! build up your kingdom so you can collect materials to build your kingdom! spend real life money to gather materials or speed up the building process! once your castle is completed, you can either upgrade to a better castle, or build one of many different facilities that'll help you gather more resources! use the code FOX or the link in the description to claim 1000 free silver today!"
little red riding hood stares at the fox for a moment. "wait.. is this even a game? where does the actual gameplay come in?"
the fox is thrown off by this question. "uhh... gameplay?" he says.
"you know, the actual gameplay. is it an RPG? do you fight other kingdoms? what's the point of collecting all these materials and upgrading your kingdom?"
the fox looks around, desperate for someone to bail him out. "uh... the point is... to spend money?"
Little red riding hood tells the fox to go to hell, as she continues to her Grandmother's house. "it's free to play... technically", the fox says.
Little Red Riding hood had had enough of all these animals. she would rather see the wolf at this point, just to get it over with.
as little red riding hood continues her journey, she passes an elephant wearing a red hat. normally there aren't elephants living in the woods, but here he was, acting like he owned the place. little red riding hood does not stop or slow down.
"goodies, huh?", the elephant says to little red riding hood like he thinks he's better than her. "you know, goodies are actually made out of HUMAN BABIES! but the Donkeys don't want you to know that."
little red riding hood keeps walking.
"you can't run from the truth. the earth is flat! but you're a sheep! Baa! Baa, I say!"
exhausted, little red riding hood enters her grandmother's house.
her grandmother is sitting in bed. "welcome, my sweet grandchild. what brings you to these parts of the woods?"
little red riding hood sets the goodies on a nearby table. "my mom made me bring you these goodies. here you go."
the grandmother smiles. "my goodness, you're such a sweet child."
little red riding hood looks out the window, a frown forming on her face. "Grandma, you should move somewhere else. all the animals that live around here are fucking idiots."
the grandmother smiles. "I know, child. I know. but at least there are no wolves."
the end.
the mods just removed my most recent humorous post. this is an outrage and I will not stand for it. you've made a powerful enemy today, reddit mods, and you will soon regret it.
prepare for war!
every now and then there comes one of those franchises that is so ingrained in pop culture for a time that it feels like everyone is talking about it and it's completely inescapable. and normally when one of those franchises come along... I couldn't care less. game of thrones is one of those franchises. I have never watched it, and I likely never will. that hasn't stopped my brother from talking about it every god damn day.
he is fully aware I don't care about game of thrones. he is fully aware that whatever he says about it is likely to go in one ear and out the other. yet for some reason, we cannot have a single conversation without it being brought up. my brother watches game of thrones on an infinite loop: after watching the final episode, the next thing he watches is the first episode. I don't know how he does it: watching the same thing over and over again sounds like HELL.
for some reason, he feels the need to keep me updated on where he's at in the series. and he never talks about it like it's a show, my brother talks about game of thrones like its current events happening in our world RIGHT NOW. we could talk about actual real-world politics like normal adults do, but instead my brother insists about talking about the fictional politics of a fictional universe I have no connection to as if every decision the characters make have ramifications on our real lives! I'm 31 and my brother is 28, by the way.
but recently I started wondering: how much of this information have I retained? could I, a person who has never seen game of thrones, possibly recap all of games of thrones? well, we're about to find out. I'm going to recap all of game of thrones in hopes that this ends our incredibly one-sided conversations about game of thrones once and for all!
so, game of thrones is about a bunch of people from five different kingdoms fighting over something called the iron throne. I assume whoever has the iron throne will rule the world or something, but I'm not sure. it could be they just want it because it's a really nice throne. seems a little too pointy to actually sit on.
one of the five kingdoms is called "Westeros"... I have no idea what the other four kingdoms are called, but there are other groups of people called the targaryans and the delthraki. I assume each of them represent some of the other kingdoms. I think this world also has tree people and maybe something called frost giants? that sounds like something a dumb fantasy world would have.
anyway, apparently in this world seasons last a really long time, so everyone's always talking about how winter is coming. maybe that has something to do with the frost giants? well, one of our main characters is named "john snow", and while I'm not sure if his last name relates to the impending winter in any way, this guy is one of the main characters the story focuses on.
other main characters include Arya stark, who I think was one of the playable characters in multi versus before it shut down, and Peter Dinklage. there's also some dragon lady named Daenerys, and I think she's forced to marry Aqua Man at some point. but then Aqua man dies.
yes, most of my brother's conversations revolve around some character who's being a jerk, only for them to get their narrative comeuppance when they inevitably die an unceremonious death. game of thrones seems to be a show that is required by law to kill off a major character every single episode. like apparently there's this ass hole prince who dies, then there's some slave traders who die, some kind of evil demon worshipping cult that dies. even John snow dies, but apparently, they're able to bring him back with the dragon balls or something.
well, I guess after Aqua man dies, Daenerys hatches some dragon eggs and goes on a quest to free the slaves from some bad guys who own slaves. Daenerys also is immune to fire for some reason, so her clothes are constantly getting burned off so she can walk around naked. apparently, there's a lot of nudity and sex scenes in this show. gross.
but then we get the most important character in all of game of thrones: hodor! this is the character my brother talks about the most. this character, who is apparently extremely crucial to the plot of game of thrones, is a servant to the starks whose purpose is to hold the door open. apparently "hodor" is his attempt at saying "hold door", and that is all he can say, so everyone decided to call him hodor.
in one of the most tragic scenes in all of game of thrones, a group of frost giants attack the stark's castle. hodor, being his usual door holding self, holds the door open as the frost giants kill him. his final words were "hodor". this scene really left an impression on my brother... he tells me about it every time it happens as if every viewing of Game of thrones is a ground hog day loop in which Hodor is destined to die. sometimes my brother holds out hope that things will be different and Hodor can somehow escape from his fate, but that is not how TV shows work.
one time I asked my brother why they don't just bring Hodor back to life like they did with John snow. or why they don't just bring back any character that dies, for that matter? what's stopping them from doing it? my brother seemed to get mad at the question and acted like I was dumb for asking it.
another character my brother seems quite fond of is "the mountain", played by an enormous actor named Harfbor Johnson, this character is responsible for roughly half the deaths that take place in the show. statistically, this is probably the guy who kills John snow. that'd be my guess, don't quote me on it.
what I am sure of is that at some point Daenerys and John snow meet up and fall in love because Daenerys is... such a good person. you know, because she freed the slaves... and set all the slave owners on fire! but uh oh, turns out Daerys is John snow's aunt... apparently there's a lot of incest in game of thrones. from the way my brother describes the show it seems like the target audience consists mostly of horny degenerates, but given how popular this show is, either my brother's descriptions are greatly exaggerated, or I underestimated how horny the general public is.
ah, but who could be hornier than the author himself? game of thrones is adapted from a book series written by George RR martin. I think this guy and Gabe Newell might secretly be the same guy: much like how Gabe Newell refuses to release half life 3, George RR Martin has not written a book in over 20 years. my brother seems convinced modern medicine will keep this guy alive long enough to finish his series, but that's ridiculous: only politicians are allowed to live past their 90s.
as a result, the latter seasons were based on Gabe Newell's notes rather than any actual books, so the final season was incredibly rushed. for some reason Daenerys burns down westeros. it may seem odd since she was practically a saint earlier, but apparently Daenerys was always a pyromaniac and the people she burned earlier just happened to be slave owners. Daenerys apparently comes from a long line of conquerors, so like, burning down entire kingdoms is the only solution she has to her problems. I guess the lesson the audience is supposed to take away from her downfall is that... war is bad?
well, John snow emerges from the ice (whatever the hell that means) and kills Daenerys, thereby teaching the audience the important moral lesson that war and incest are bad. because Daenerys kills all the bad people and then John snow kills Daenerys, I guess the battle for the Iron throne ends. I have absolutely no Idea who gets it in the end... my brother must have left out that part. maybe it was Peter Dinklage. I think he'd make a good king. have you seen his space pants?
so apparently, I didn't actually retain that much info from game of thrones. it could be that I'm a bad listener, but it's much more likely that my brother is a bad storyteller. every time he has me accompany him on a walk while he plays pokemon go, he goes on and on about all these epic battles, with the story usually ending with "and then (insert character name here) died". but without any real context for what led up to it and why it matters, it all just sounds like completely meaningless sex and violence. how am I supposed to remember any of this? I don't know these people!
Game of thrones has ended, and everyone was pissed off about the ending. my brother continues to watch it on an endless loop while the rest of the world has moved on. I have no idea what message GabeGeorge Newell Martin was trying to pass onto the readers when he wrote his story, as it has been lost in the transition between him writing it, HBO adapting it, and my brother talking about it. but my brother and I have been living together for over a year now, and this is the message I hope to pass on to him: STOP TALKING ABOUT GAME OF THRONES!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT GAME OF THRONES!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?
I will defeat every pro AI person in this subbreddit at rock paper scissors.
you go first.
people who are pro AI love making false equivalences. they try to compare generative AI to pencils and paintbrushes. these are TERRIBLE comparisons.
pencils and paintbrushes don't do the creative work for you. drawing, painting, any type of art creating is a skill that people spend years learning and perfecting. you don't just ask your pencil to draw something for you! it's an awful argument, and anyone making it is self-reporting their own ignorance.
prompting is not an artistic skill. the most you can compare it to is commissioning, but even then, AI can't create anything without stealing from real humans.
AI is not a tool. when you prompt an AI, YOU ARE THE TOOL
some people are afraid of the dark. some people are afraid of heights. there are even people who are afraid of lotus seeds and honeycomb, and you know what, after staring at images of those things for 30 minutes, I kind of get it. but you know what I was afraid of when I was younger? I was afraid of the guy who was turning the lights on and off at the end of SpongeBob season 2, episode 16a.
seriously, that "Nosferatu" guy gave me nightmares. really bad ones. in fact, I would even go as far as to say I was traumatized a bit. he's just so ugly. and for the longest time, I didn't even know who that guy was or why he was here. my dad tried to make me less afraid of him the best way he knew how: gaslighting. he said he was from an old movie, that much is true, but he then went on to say Nosferatu was a misunderstood ugly guy who was shunned by society, even though he's just a silly little prankster who wants to tell jokes. but then he said he went on a bit of a rampage after being mistreated. my dad wasn't doing a great job of making this guy seem less scary.
then years later, while browsing the Homestar Runner wiki, I saw his image once again since the character strong sad apparently used this guy as his profile pic at one point. it was there that I found out that this guy was actually called count Orlok, and he's actually Bootleg German Dracula. if my dad's reason for lying was to make this guy less scary, what was the freaking point of changing him from Dracula into Frankenstein? I'd have called my dad out for such a stupid pointless lie, but seeing how he was already dead at this point, he managed to get away with it.
1922's "Nosferatu" was an unlicensed version of Dracula made in Germany. to avoid lawsuits, they changed all the characters names, changed some details and even had a completely different ending. you know that whole part of vampire lore where they die in sunlight. yeah, that's from Nosferatu. it was not a part of vampire lore until this movie happened. isn't that crazy? unfortunately for the cast and crew of Nosferatu, they still got sued anyway and all copies were supposed to be destroyed. the film survived because at least one copy made it to America, and I guess the Americans didn't give a shit about European copyright laws.
despite Dracula and its many adaptions being responsible for vampires being seen as "sexy aristocrats", Nosferatu's "count Orlok" was a vampire in the original sense, being much more corpse like in appearance. basically what one would call a zombie nowadays. it's quite effective. Max Shrek as Count Orlok was terrifying. not sure why he ended up in an episode of SpongeBob though. did the SpongeBob writers not realize that this would scare children? non sequitur punchlines have consequences!
well, by the time I knew about all this I was in high school and had undergone years of emotional blunting, so I decided to watch that 100-year-old movie to see the origins of the light switch guy that scared me so much as a kid. and I must say, the film holds up. even without sound, it was way scarier than most horror films that come out nowadays. but that could just be because I was still a bit scared from when I was a kid. maybe it was just. . . what's the word I'm looking for? it's not nostalgia bias. uh, is "trauma bias" a thing? well, whatever.
after being freed from copyright prison, it seems Nosferatu became quite famous in the world of cinema. it got multiple remakes. first there was the 1979 remake "Nosferatu the Vampyre". this first remake changed all the characters names back to what they were in original novel. in fact, some localizations of the 1922 movie did the same thing in the subtitles. which I think is dumb, I know the story basically has the same set up as Dracula, but Orlok is not Dracula. Orlok is scary. Dracula is sexy. also, they went with the whole "he's not evil, he's just sad and lonely" angle that so many Dracula adaptions did at the time. the original Orlok was pure evil. this one just wanted love. LAME!
there was also 2000's "Shadow of the vampire", staring Willem Dafoe as Max Shrek as Count Orlok. less of a remake and more of a fictional "making of" type movie, this film was based around several rumors that Max Shrek was an actual vampire. yeah, the guy had appeared in other movies and hundreds of plays, but apparently people at the time were so afraid after seeing Nosferatu that they were convinced Max Shrek was a real vampire. I know movies were still relatively new in 1922, but man, people sure were stupid back then. Not at all like the tide pod eating geniuses of today.
but of course, the reason I'm talking about this all right now is because of the Most recent Nosferatu remake that just released.... (well, actually, it released in 2024, but hey, this review was written in January 2025 so... Hello future people)! I pretty much never go to movie theatres, the only two movies I saw in theatres in the last 15 years were the Mario movie and now Nosferatu. my brother skipped out on the Mario movie when the rest of our family went to see it, but being a fan of horror movies, this seemed like the kind of thing we could watch together. so we went at 9AM on a Sunday in a city full of religious people. since everyone was at church we had the whole theatre to ourselves, which was nice, because I definitely didn't want to deal with a theatre full of screaming people. after watching a bunch of trailers for movies that looked like they were written by AI, the film started.
prior to seeing the movie, I learned a few things about this new version of Orlok. first off, he had a mustache now. seems like a weird choice. I mean, Orlok is always a weird bald rat looking guy, seems like a mustache would make him less scary. people with mustache's aren't scary. Mario has a mustache! secondly, and people were freaking out about this online a lot, but apparently in this new version of the movie, they show count Orlok's penis. well. . . ok. I'm not a big fan of penises, but knowing it was going to be there allowed me to mentally prepare myself for it.
right off the bat, were a lot of changes I liked about this version. first off, the character "Ellen Hutter" (based on mina Harker from Dracula) had a deeper connection to the count, having apparently summoned him when she was younger. the original Orlok just saw a picture of her and became obsessed, so giving them this new backstory feels warranted. she also apparently has psychic powers now. if a horror movie has a female main character, she has to have psychic powers. it's basically a rule now a days. Ellen was played by Lily Rose Depp this time around, but apparently at one point they were going to give the role to Anya Taylor Joy. that would have been weird: I just can't picture Princess Peach Herself in this role.
then there was Thomas Hutter. out of all the name changes the original made, this one was the most tragic. Johnathan Harker is such a cool name. Thomas Hutter sounds lame as hell. at least they actually gave Thomas a lot more to do this time around, he was pretty much a useless idiot in the 1922 original. here, at least he actively tries to kill Orlok rather than cowering in fear.
while Thomas is visiting Orlok's castle, they keep Orlok in the dark a lot more compared to the original. guess they're building up tension more this way, hiding his face most of the time. but now that his face has a mustache, it's not that scary anymore anyway. nah, his face isn't what we should be worrying about, but rather, his penis.
despite that silly mustache, this version of Orlok was pure evil, just the way he should be. he does not want love, he just wants blood. this time around, Orlok was played by bill skarsgard. you know bill skarsgard, he was in it. I never saw it, but I do hear it is pretty scary. it has always been a weird movie to talk about, because any discussion about it can very easily turn into a "who's on first" type discussion, especially if you talk about the thing and it at the same time.
you know, one thing I was a bit disappointed by was the boat scene. this was kind of a big deal in the original, Orlok sneaking onto the ship and slowly killing the entire crew off. this time, it feels like more of an afterthought. we mostly just see the aftermath of Orlok's actions, like when they're throwing the already dead bodies into the ocean.
ok, but speaking of the Ocean, let's go back to SpongeBob for a bit: did you know that Nosferatu is just a reoccurring character now? yeah, they brought him back in one episode as the night shift manager, and that was a funny little call back, but then they just kept bringing him back. they're doing the same thing with the creepy old lady from the chocolate episode. well, if they're going to do that, why not make the "ya, buns and thighs" guy into a main character? you can't just take one off characters who exist only for a single joke in a single episode and then try to make them part of the main cast 20 years later. you just can't. it ruins the joke. it reeks of desperation.
err, anyway, Willem Dafoe is also in this movie. he's now been in two of these Nosferatu remakes, that's crazy. he's not Orlok this time, but rather, some new character who exists only for the sake of exposition. I don't think they even asked Willem Dafoe to be in this movie, it feels like they just showed up at his house uninvited, asked him to talk about vampires, and then he just kept talking and wouldn't leave. classic Willem Dafoe.
even though Orlok looks quite different thanks to that mustache of his, his shadow still looks the same as the original. and that's important: that shadow is part of one of the most iconic shots from the original film. it's probably why "Shadow of the Vampire" had that title; the shadow is just as important as the vampire. I do wish that they lingered on it a bit more in this new version, it passes by pretty quickly, but it is what it is.
as the movie approaches the two hour mark, we get to that iconic ending scene. the one that changed vampire lore forever. the scene where Ellen sacrifices herself, willingly giving her blood to Orlok so that he'd die when the sun rises. for this new remake, there's a pretty noteworthy change: they're both naked now. gross.
while in the original, the sunlight makes Orlok just kind of fade away, they went with a more violent approach this time. he pretty much implodes this time, vomiting out all the blood he just sucked and letting out a horrible roar. but then his body just kind of stays there. it doesn't disappear, so when Thomas arrives in the room, Orlok's dead naked body is just sitting there on top of his dead wife. well damn, that's awkward.
but you know, this whole time this scene was going on, I was sure this would be the part where we see Orlok's penis. so imagine my surprise. . . WE DON'T SEE HIS PENIS! where was it!? I was preparing myself this whole time for it, but it wasn't there! I mean, it's not like I wanted to see it, but I mentally prepared myself for it. but what was the point of that? IT WASN'T THERE!!! overall, it was a great remake. I had fun going to see it with my brother. however, I was promised Penis, and they failed to deliver.
I was a bit hesitant to leave the theatre. when we left the Mario movie during the credits, I later found out there was a post credits scene where Yoshi shows up. what if Nosferatu also had a post credits scene. it could be anything, it could have been Yoshi, it could have been Nick Fury, it could even be Orlok's missing penis. my brother checked his phone and said there was no post credits scene, but I don't know if I believe him. he is a sneaky little guy.
there have been many versions of Nosferatu over the years, but we may never see one with an Orlok that's as scary as the original. it's impossible to beat Max Shreck. you know what they say, if you mess with the Shreck, it's all Ogre.
Did you no? Sonic the hedgehog, the beloved video game Icon, had his first game released 25 years ago in 1989. Today we celebrate sonic for being the single greatest video game character of all time. If your like me, and I know I am, then you LOVE sonic the hedgehog. Sonic is known for being the fastest thing alive, But throughout the years, one question has perspired: does sonic gotta go fast? Join me up on my high horse as we take a look at sonic’s life story, and finally find out what makes this tumblr sexy man of hedgehogg always run faster than the speed of light. perchance.
what set’s sonic apart from other video game characters of the time is his ability to go left and right. Pushing left on the control pad allowes sonic to move left, while pushing right on the control pad will instead move sonic to the right. What set’s sonic apart from other video game characters of the time is his speed. Most other video game characters are slow, but not sonic the hedgehog, no way no how. Sonic the hedgehog is Fast as Fuck! Why would anyone want to walk slow like a bitch when they could run fast like sonic? Sonic’s speed has always been the key to his success, and what sets sonic apart from other video game characters of the time is that he’s both fast AND Cool. Oh yeah, Baby!
and of course, we cannot talk about Sonic the hedgehog without talking about the music in sonic games. We quite literally can not! Refusing to talk about sonic music is punishable by up to 20 years of crabstration. Sonic tunes are like butter, and in sonic the hedgehog 3, they even got Michael Jackson involved. of course, in later rereleases of sonic 3, they had to remove Michael Jackson due to the fact that Michael Jackson is some kind of SICK FREAK. But even tue this day, listening to the sonic the airhog soundtrack is enough to melt your face off. Perchance. Those are some sick groves, sonic.
in all of sonixs adventures, he fights against Dr. Eggman, a fat red man with a mustache. But did you notice anything conspicuous about Eggmn’s appearance? That’s right, my friends. As we all know, Eggman is actually an anagram for Joseph Stalin. He always trapping small animalts in robits in order to industrialize sonic’s world. one of the most auspicious reasons sonic funs faster than the univers it’s self is because he’s trying to outrun communism. Perchance. It’s like they always say: you can take the hedgehog out of the green hill zone, but you can’t take the green hillz hedge out of the zone hog. Our cause is a just one.
sonic is not along in his indevers. Sonic the hedgefund had many a friends by his side at all time. starting in sonic 2, sonic would be Joined by Miles “tails” prower tails the fox. This fluffy little yellow guy is able to use his tails like a helicopter, helping sonic fly over ostacles; tails can be controlled by player 2, but player one sonic will usually run much faster than tails, leaving him behind. But worry not my happy little fox trotters, as tails will always come back, flying to his best friend sinic’s side. sweet, sweet lemonade.
starting with sonic 3 and knuckles, sonic wood also be Joined by another friend, Knuckles the echidna. Knuckles LOVES women. He said so himself in an episode of the hit Tv series sonic underground: “I may be a meat head but I’m also a feminist”. That’s why Knuckles are such good friends with rogue the bat. Perchance. How holesome, knuckles is. There’s a good reason why he’s irrestopibly concindered one of the sonic heroes.
as sonic runs through all the green hill zones, he picks up many rings along the way. why does sonic do this? well, starting in sonic CD, we introduced to Sonic’s girlfriend, Amy the rose. Sonic looks for all the rings and the chaos diamonds because he’s trying to impress her. but Amy love sonic for who he is. Perchance. I hope they have a happy life together in hell.
Yeehaw, pardner. We love team chaotics here in the old west. Vector the crocodile, charmy bee and everyone’s favorite, espio the chameleon. Espio is a ninja. Everybody loves ninjas. Why would you not love ninjas? What the hell is wrong with you? a treu shindobi warrior never unraveals himself. Hide your husbands, boys.
starting with the sega Saturn, Sonic would make the leap into the thirt dimension starting with sonic adventure. Too this day, many people still await sonic to make the Jump to the 4th dimension. Perchance. But what many people don’t realize is that the forth dimensnion does not exist, as neither does the 1st or second. what we call the third dimension is all there is, all else is man made concepts. Just like time it’s self. The only reason humans began to measure the earth’s rotation around the earth is because we are all going to die some day. Even the fastest thing alive cannot outrun his own mortality, so why should we? Engrace the time you have left, for it is limited. Eat chilli dogs and collect rare gem stones. We are all sonic.
and now for the hedgehog who needs no introductions. Allow me to introduce you to sonic the hedgehog himself. H’es cool, his blue, and hes fast. What more due I need to say? Sonic is the greatest hedgehero in all of video gaming. Trhu out tens of adventures, shonic has met many friends, all of whom celebrate his birthday. But one of sonic’’s greatest friends of all is himself. In sonic generalizations, sonic teams up with his passed self to go on the ultimate adventure of two lifetimes. Soni’c from the past, called “”classic sonic”, is much shorter than modern sonic. People grow, and so does sonic. Perchance.
sonic has ashieved many comploshintments through his years, appearing in super smashed brothers mellee, competing in the Olympics, and got many spin off games like sonic spinball and Dr. eggbot’s lean mean bean fighting machine. too this day, there’s not a single person on earth who doen’t known sonic. He’s more famous than Jesus christ himself. Aint that the truth?
but before we continue talking about how much we love Sonic, I need to tell you about today’s sponsor. Today’s video is sponsored by raid shadow legends, the biggest mobile RPG of all time! choose from hundreds of different champions and take on the dungeon boss, alone or with friends. The community is growing faster than ever, and it’s a perfect time to join in on the fun. And it’s completely free! Use the code in the description to get 50,00 free silver and an epic hero to add to your collection. Perchance. Good luck, and I’ll see you on the battlefield! Now, where was I?
starting with sonic 3 and knuckles, sonic would also be Joined by another frend, Knuckles the echilada. Knuckles HATES Women. Just look at sonic adventure, Knuckles spends the entire game beating up rouge the bat. And honestly, that whore deserves it. Rouge the bat? More like Rogue the bitch. Am I right yall?
as sonic strolls around past the speed of sound, tripping balls through greenhill zone, he picks up many rings along the way. but why does sonic never give any of these rings to his long time girlfriend, Amy the rose.? Is sonic afraid of commitment? Is that why he’s running? You’re never going to compress her like that, sonic. All I’m saying is if Sonic liked it, then mayhaps he should have put a ring on it. some people just want to watch the world burn.
soncs is always alone in his endebers because he abandoned his good friend miles the tails the prower in favor of a weird little dog thing named chip.sonic turned into a werehog, a mix between a werewolf and a hengehog. This was during sonic’s cringeworthy teenag years when he started reading twilight. Perchance. When sonic is werehoff, he is’nt fats at all. They did give him weird stretchy hands, but those aren’t going to help sonic when he’s gotta go fast. Got milk?
sonic was a constent disappointment in everyone’s lives, which is why starting with sonic adventure 2, sage indicted Shadow the hedgegog into the franchise. Shadow is the cooler, edgier, antisystemetic hedgehog ment to replace sonic in the hearts of the fans. Perchance. And who wouldn’t love shadow? He’s so sexy. He looks like if a hedgehog and a hottopic had a midnight love child. Shadow is so much better than that loser, sonic. Sonic may be fastter than the speed of light, but shadow is faster than the speed of dark. While sonic’s out here still trying to fit into his big boy pants, Shadow the Absolute unit is kicking major ass. How’s that for a pipe and smoke it?
in all of sonic adventure’s, he fights against Dr. robotnic, a fat elderly man with a mustache. And that’s great because old people suck. All they do is take up space and ruin the economy. the economy sucks. No wonder why in Shadow the hedgehog for the Nintendo gamecube, shadow fights the US government. He even destroys the whitehouse with a giant space laser. Whos laughing now>?
while shadow looks for that damn fourth chaos emerald, we have another hegdegod to talk about; silver the hedgehog! Initial introduce in sonic the hedgehog 2006, the game where sonic kisses a human girl because he’s gay, we also meat Silve the hedgehog, an awesome hedgehog from the future sent back to stop sonic from kissing the princess. Silver has cool psychic powers, but they’re not as cool as shadow’s awesome darkness powers. But stil way cooler than sonic, who doesn’t process any powers at all. He can just run a little fast. Perchance. Not cool, bozo.
shiver me timbers has a really cool friend all the time friend named blazes the cat. This cat is on fire!!!!!!! Blaaze is like a hedgehog if a hedgehog was a cat, and she’s even faster than snonic. Austencibly, There are two cats in the sonic series, one of them is big the cat, and he’s a lorge cat looking for froggy. Both of them are purple, but neither of them are ninjas. But the best part about blaze is that she is the size of the average human mother.
nowadays, sonic does nothing but release crappy iphon james. Each game more gristueshous than the last. Just looks at sonic frontiers, sonic copied legend of Zelda breaths of the wild by trying to make his own opened world game. THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Sonic is just a shell of his former self, and he was never cool in the first place. His first game ever, sonic the hedgehog 2, is an over rated piece of dumpster fire. And where is sonic adventure 3, Reggie!?
Soniff the hibhob is a shamm. He’s extabably the worst thing to ever happen, and a stain on mankinds otherwise ambroshous record. Play a real game, like super mario. Mario is based and redpiled. The embodiment of masculinity it’s self. Just look at that mustache. No villain would ever have a mustache. Mario stomps on turtlels all day while sonic goes around cheating on his grillfran amy with a human princess. What a disgraced! If you;;’d ask me, your’e much better off spending your limited time on this planet playing Mario than letting that piece of shit sonic the eggnog play with your heart. Don’t let your children near sonsic, let them near a trustworthy roll model like Michael Jackson. They’ll grow up to be respecitable members of susiety that way. Perchance.
thank’s for watching this video. Make sure to like and subscribe if you know whats good for you. and remember to leave a comment down below telling me why you love sonic the hedgehog more than life itself. Fuck you, and have a great day.
I've been meaning to get something off my chest for the past 20 years. It is finally time to talk about it.
when I was in first grade, I saw the 1971 movie "Willy Wonka and The chocolate factory". when I was in second grade, alongside the rest of my classmates, we read the book it was based on, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". finally, in the fifth grade, I saw what was at the time a new adaption of the book by Tim Burton, also called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. now, while enjoying both the book and the movie adaptations, I came away from the 2nd movie believing it to be the superior version. the nostalgia blind adults did not agree.
I've heard a lot of people call the the 2005 version a "remake" over the years, lumping it in with bad remakes as part of the "all remakes are bad" argument. but what these people don't realize is that the burton film is not a remake; it's a different movie that happens to be adapting the same source material as the 1971 movie. there have been plenty of different batman movies and it's not like every new batman series is a remake of the previous one, right? no, when it come to discussing the charlie and the chocolate factory adaptions, these are instead two different movies that happen to be based on the same source material.
now, both movies do have their merits, but for some reason, the movie Tim Burton and Johnny Depp worked on seemed to have a bad reputation. over the years, fans of the 1971 film treated it like it was the reincarnation of Adolf Satan himself. it was an insult. it ruined their childhoods. it poisoned their water supply, burned their crops and delivered a plague unto their houses.
and It's one thing to not like the film, but I've seen many of these people point to Gene Wilder's opinion of the burton film where he said he didn't like it and treated that as confirmation that it's bad because the "REAL Willy Wonka" says so. now, look, I like Gene Wilder. may he rest in peace. but to the people using his opinion as a reason the 2005 film is bad, need I remind you that Roald Dahl, the author of the book both films are based on, HATED the Gene Wilder movie. that's just how it is sometimes, you can't please everyone. and when someone tries using someone else's opinion to try to validate their own opinion, they've basically failed at forming an opinion in the first place. that isn't how you form a thought of your own. you aren't bringing anything new to the table, you're just serving leftovers.
now, me personally, someone who experienced both movies and the book in rapid succession and thus has equal nostalgia for them all and can judge them without bias, is clearly much more qualified to review them than the guy who saw the first film when he was 5 and the second film when he was in his 40s. like most children back then, my opinion boiled down to "new = better". the 2005 movie had the advantage of using more modern film techniques and having a larger budget, thus it's more impressive on a visual level. but I also thought that second movie was better for being a more faithful adaption to the book. and in 20 years since then, my opinion has. . . mostly stayed the same. maybe about 75% of it. . . possibly 66%. let's get into it.
ok, so going back to what I said earlier about how Author Roald Dahl hated the film adaption of his book. why was that? well, for one thing, this guy pretty much hated EVERY adaption of his books. Roald Dahl hated a lot of things. he was an author who wrote books for children, but all signs seem to point to the idea he hated children. he also hated film and television. AND he hated Gene Wilder. he hated the "sappy" music used in Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory. ok, so willy wonka and the chocolate factory never stood a chance with this guy. . .
well whatever. forget Roald Dahl for a second, why does ANY Author hate adaptions of their books? well, it pretty much boils down to one thing: if you change ANYTHING, then it sucks. authors don't want people to mess with their stories. the original is PERFECTION in their eyes! any deviation for what they originally intended will be treated like a threat to their very existence. this has always been the case in the film industry, Walt Disney and Pamela Lyndon had some serious BEEF over what happened with Mary Poppins.
so, what did the 1971 movie change? well, for starters, it got the name wrong. Charlie's name was dropped from the title in favor of Willy Wonka being the center of attention, even though Charlie was still the main character. seeing how the book was part of a series, each one titled "Charlie and the BLANK", this was probably something that pissed off Dahl from the start. of course, he died before the third book "Charlie and the White house" was completed, so I guess it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. but I still find it sad. I wanted to know what Charlie's first act as president would be.
other changes included skipping over a lot of Grandpa Joe's stories about Willy wonka in favor of showing how people all over the world were planning to get golden tickets. charlie's father was absent from the movie and instead charlie was forced to support his entire family through his paperboy job. they replaced the squirrels with golden geese, I imagine because the original scene would have been much harder to film at the time. all the oompa loompa songs were rewritten. and they added of ton of nightmare imagery and some kind of evil chant to the boat scene. . . what the hell was that?
Roald Dahl was already dead by the time the tim burton film was in production, but supposedly his family was involved in making sure it was as accurate as possible, and in regards to the things I listed, then yes, the 2005 version is technically a more faithful adaption. though oddly enough, both films leave out the fact that golden ticket owners were allowed to bring not one but TWO people with them to the factory. all the kids besides charlie brought both their parents. I assume both adaptions dropped the number down to one parent because it'd be less expensive.
Still, both movies do have some big changes that result in the two films being wildly different from each other. when it comes to my own opinion, the main thing I've changed my mind on is this: "sticking to the source material doesn't always results in a better product". sure, it can be a good thing, but if the original had some kind of huge problem, then yeah, you SHOULD change it!
Problem number 1: the children
collectively, the 4 kids who aren't charlie are known as "the 4 bratty kids". basically the antagonists of the book, they're the annoying brats who didn't listen to Mr. Wonka and get punished for it. all of their eventual fates are meant to be seen as poetic justice by the reader. there's just one problem: THOSE KIDS AREN'T BRATTY!!! remember, Roald Dahl hates a lot of things. one thing he hates is fat kids. sure, childhood obesity is a problem, but how often is it the kid's fault? another thing Roald Dahl hates: chewing gum. why was this such a giant taboo back in the day? why was chewing gum something that could get you expelled from school? Americans hated gum as much as they hated communists! and of course, as an author who was afraid of the scary new film and television industry, one of the kids had to be a brat who watches too much TV. I wonder what Roald Dahl would have thought if he saw a kid with a smart phone? he'd probably have a heart attack. heck, even with verruca, being a spoiled brat who gets anything she wants is her parent's fault, and Roald Dahl himself knew this. still doesn't explain why her and her parents' "punishment" was getting thrown in garbage while the other kids get permanently disfigured.
so how did the first movie handle this? corporate espionage, of course! yes, the gobstoppers were a thing in the book, but they weren't the primary focus. in this adaption, they're a major plot point as slugworth approaches each kid and asks them to steal the gobstopper. the bratty kids are implied to be willing to do this. . . or at least some of them are. Agustus didn't make it that far, and oddly enough, in this version he's not even fat! seriously, it feels like they're fat shaming some kid for being 1, maybe 2 pounds heavier than the rest of the kids. what's the deal with that? well, at least with Verucca they make her a lot more emotionally manipulative, her book counterpart was dumb as a bag of hammers, this version clearly knew what she was doing.
but then we get to the tim burton movie, and they had a much better answer: what if they took the 4 bratty kids and actually made them brats? why did no one think of this earlier!? in this version of the story, Augustus isn't just fat (though the kid playing him was actually wearing a fat suit), but he's a big fat bully! he's messy, he's sloppy, he's destructive, and he bullies Charley for being Skinny. Violet was made to have a massive superiority complex, taking part in various contests and treating everyone else like losers. Verruca. . . well, she's pretty much the same as she was in the book, so she's back to being stupid, but this version does seem to take pleasure in seeing the other children's downfall. and then Mike TV, my word, this was a huge improvement. in all versions, this is the last kid to go, but it was always such an Anticlimax because this kid was SO forgettable. he dresses like a cowboy and watches TV. . . and THAT'S IT! he does NOTHING for the entire story, he just stands there until Roald Dahl is ready for his totally forced "television is evil" plot point. the tim burton version completely rewrites his character into an insufferable know it all who thinks he's smarter than everyone else, and as a result, it actually feels like what happens to him is EARNED in this version!
still, it does raise a lot of questions about Mr. Wonka. Roald Dahl treats it like this character is perfect and could do no wrong. some have even accused Wonka of being Dahl's self-insert character. I don't think I would go that far, but it does answer a lot of questions. this man invites 5 children to his factory, he sets up death traps in order to "test them" to see if they're worthy of taking over his factory, most of the kids leave the factory permanently disfigured, and we're supposed to side with Wonka because. . . he's whimsical? he receives no consequences for his actions, in the book when charlie is the only one left, he gives him the factory and that's it. which leads me to the next point.
Problem number 2: the ending
yeah, the book's ending was super anti climatic. it doesn't really have an ending, it just sort of. . . stops. naturally, this is why both movies had to create their own new plot points in order to build up to a proper ending. for the most part, Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory does a good job. slugworth does make for a good villain, he was only briefly mentioned in the book but here he's promoted to main antagonist. fizzy lifting drinks were also in the book, but in this version Grandpa Joe actually gets charlie to drink them, leading to the two nearly dying! yeah, Grandpa Joe isn't a great guy in this version.
Because of this, technically charlie didn't pass "the test", leading to the very memorable scene of Wonka yelling at charlie, telling him he lost and gets nothing. again, this is a great addition to the story. I just have one problem with it: it's all an act. remember, Willy Wonka is a recluse who has stayed away from society for years because he doesn't trust ANYONE. he's been betrayed far too many times, all his competitors were sending in spies to steal his ideas. it would have been so much better for the movie if Wonka's anger was genuine and Charlie giving him the gobstopper restored his faith in humanity a little. but nah, it was all part of the test. in fact, slugworth isn't even the real slugworth. he works for willy wonka. . . you know, the guy whose supposed to have no human employees because he trusts no one. . . WHERE DID THIS GUY COME FROM!? I liked this new ending, it's better than the original, but just one or two small changes in the details would have made it perfect. they were too afraid to admit Willy Wonka is a flawed character, everything had to be part of his genius master plan.
which leads me to the 2005 movie. so many people criticize Johnny Depp's performance because his version of Wonka is "weird" and "too much like Michael Jackson". . . what did yall expect? this is just how willy wonka is. he's not supposed to be normal. and it's not like the Gene Wilder's Wonka is a perfect representation of how Wonka was in the book, he injected a lot of himself into the character. heck, Wilder stated himself he wouldn't have agreed to play the role if he didn't do the funny little cane introduction he came up with. look, opinions on which wonka is better will varry from person to person, but at least the Depp's wonka never screams about the devil while riding a boat.
surprisingly, despite now being correctly called Charlie and the chocolate factory, this versions new subplot and ending puts a much heavier emphasis on Wonka himself. which means Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory is about Charlie while Charlie and the chocolate factory is about Willy Wonka. yeah, that's not confusing at all.
still, given how little was known about Willy Wonka in the original, giving him an origin story feels more than justified. unlike the original where there was no conflict and the 1971 movie where it was all staged, there actually is genuine friction between Wonka and Charlie in the burton movie. he doesn't want to let Charlie's parents come with him because he thinks all parents are bad. and given how the character was always someone who distrusted adults and believed his successor "had to be a child", this is still in character, even if it wasn't in the book. Charlie calls Wonka out for his BS, and while he still gets away with disfiguring the other children, at least someone calls him out for something. at least they're acknowledging Wonka is a flawed character instead of treating him like some perfect Gary Stue created so Roald Dahl can complain about fat children and television.
one thing I will point out that is if Roald Dahl did have some say in this, in no world would he make it so willy wonka had to forgive his father. he loves KILLING off bad parental figures. sure, in the movie version of James and the giant peach, James's evil aunts get wrapped up in spider webs, but in the book? yeah, they're crushed to death by the giant peach really early on, pretty much giving the rest of the story no antagonist. and before you ask "well what about the scary demon rhino?". in the book, that thing was just a regular rhino. very odd that James's parents got eaten by a rhino given that rhinos are herbivores. Roald Dahl must not have known much about animals. if he had instead had James Parents eaten by a hippopotamus, that would have been so much more believable. hippos are evil monsters. ok, side tangent over.
but there are multiple ways to interpret willy wonka's flashbacks: for one thing, kid wonka's braces were super exaggerated, leading many to believe the flashback sequences are how Wonka remembers things rather than what really happened. the flashbacks show wonka's father's house disappearing, implying he abandoned him, yet Wonka knows exactly where to find his father when Charlie suggests they visit him. so what likely really happened was kid Wonka believed his father left, when in reality the opposite happened. when we see Dr. Wilbur Wonka's clinic in the present, it's in the middle of nowhere, yet Wonka knew exactly where to find it. how is this possible if Wonka hasn't seen his father in years? what seems to have actually happened is everyone else in the area has moved away, yet Dr. Wonka stook around long after everyone else left, just in case his son ever came back.
where the Tim Burton movie succeeds where the other versions failed is having actual character growth for Willy Wonka himself. sure, it still aint perfect, but to disavow this version simply because you grew up with the other is just plain silly. if you haven't watched either in a while, watch them both. I think you'll find that they both hold up for completely different reasons.
of course, in a perfect Charlie and the Chocolate Factory adaption, it would end with Charlie becoming the US President and Willy Wonka going to court for attempted murder/child endangerment.
I made this like 10 years ago. my taste in anime has changed a lot since then, and not gonna lie, I've forgotten who some of these characters are.
this, is a hoverboard... or is it!? in actuality, this product that has been dubbed a hover board does not in fact hover. why did this happen? because a bunch of science fiction stories predicted that we would have hoverboards in the 21st century. of course, here in reality hoverboards never came to pass, but that didn't stop companies from creating what is essentially just a segway without handlebars and trying to pass it off as the thing everyone wants from science fiction. however, while most people are able to take look one look at this and say, "that is not a hoverboard", a far more nefarious technology is starting to trick some people.
a self-aware, sentient AI that you'll often see in science fiction does not exist in the real world, and it never will. by calling LLMs/chatbots "AI", tech companies are essentially tricking people into thinking their technology is far more advanced than it actually is. this is why so many companies were quick to try and adopt AI, thinking it'd let them replace real workers, running things like customer service without having to pay real humans... only for their initiatives to fail when they realized the technology simply was not up for the job. taking something from science fiction and pretending to have created it IRL is manipulative and deceitful. it should not be allowed.
so yeah, some people inevitably get disappointed when Science fiction fails to predict the future. but science fiction was never meant to predict the future in the first place. it has been used to warn us, this is true, but stories like "terminator", "2001: a space odyssey" and "I have no mouth and I must scream" weren't literally trying to warn us about killer AI. they were trying to warn us of the destruction that can be caused when people become reckless in pursuit of scientific advancement.
right now, tech companies and their LLMS they try to pass off as AI are causing chaos. they are being used to spread lies and disinformation with deep fakes. they are being used to commit plagiarism. Chatbots have given bad medical advice and encouraged self-harm. Content farms on YouTube are trying to trick children into thinking they're watching something made by humans when really, they just had ChatGPT generate a script for them and have a fake voice read. there are even companies trying to sell people "AI girlfriends". all while the data centers destroy the environment.
so instead of naively trying to make Science fiction into reality, people should actually listen to the messages these stories tried to tell. you don't need to spend your money on "hoverboards" and "AI girlfriends". instead, we should focus on things that matter, like preventing tech companies from destroying the world.
This is Mogwai. Mogwai is amazing, rare animal. few have ever even seen Mogwai. what's that? you think Mogwai is cute? you wish to Keep Mogwai as pet? YOU FOOL! you are not ready for Mogwai! THE WORLD is not ready For Mogwai!!!
But if you want Mogwai anyway, you must follow the three sacred rules. never break these rules, or you will suffer consequences.
rule number 1. do not get Mogwai wet. Mogwai could catch a cold. if Mogwai gets wet, dry Mogwai off immediately. you need not worry about cleaning Mogwai. Mogwai cleans itself, much like kitty cat.
rule number 2. Keep Mogwai away from sunlight. Mogwai could get Sunburn. and since negligent humans have destroyed Ozone Layer, Ultraviolet radiation from the Sun makes Mogwai get skin cancer.
rule number 3. never feed Mogwai after midnight. If Mogwai eats after midnight, Mogwai will have to get up and go to the bathroom. Mogwai needs 8 hours of sleep. make sure Mogwai eats sometime between 6 and 7 o'clock, then goes to bathroom, brushes teeth, and is in bed at reasonable hour like 9 or 10 o'clock
rule number 4. make sure Mogwai looks both ways before crossing street.
rule number 5. make sure Mogwai has all the lights on in the room when watching television. do not let Mogwai sit too close to the television, as this is bad for Mogwai's eyesight
rule number 6. do not let Mogwai watch Fox news. it will make Mogwai STUPID!
rule number 7. do not let Mogwai scratch the furniture. it will ruin the furniture. if Mogwai continues to scratch furniture, consider spraying Mogwai with a non-wet squirt bottle.
rule number 8. do not give Mogwai the credit card. Mogwai will lose all your money gambling online. Mogwai cannot help himself. Mogwai has serious problem.
rule number 9. do not let Mogwai smoke. Mogwai loves the cigarettes. once Mogwai starts smoking, he will never stop. take away Mogwai's cigarettes. Mogwai will scream and cry and shout profanities, but you must be stern with Mogwai. the cigarettes will give Mogwai lung cancer. for Mogwai's own good, you must get rid of the Cigarettes.
rule number 10. Never give gun to Mogwai. Mogwai is not responsible gun owner. Mogwai will take it out at parties and try to impress other Mogwai, but will have safety off and accidental discharge, killing Mogwai's friends! Mogwai does not need gun. Mogwai will insist Mogwai needs gun for "protection", but protection from what? Mogwai lives in nice neighborhood. no home invasions in years.
rule number 11. never let Mogwai drink alcohol. Mogwai always drink too much, making Mogwai loud and annoying and say things Mogwai will regret when sober. Mogwai will then have hangover next day and throw up all over nice bathroom. that's assuming Mogwai even makes it home, as Mogwai will always insist on driving themselves home. Mogwai is already irresponsible driver even without alcohol. just keep Mogwai away from that stuff
rule number 12. do not let Mogwai use social media. Mogwai will post outdated memes, cringe videos and Russian Disinformation. Mogwai will constantly tag you in non-flattering photos, and message you at 4 AM. when Mogwai gets banned for breaking rules, Mogwai will cry about censorship. Mogwai just cannot follow the rules.
rule number 13. most important rule of all. do not let Mogwai see the pornography!
those are the rules. if you can follow them, you can adopt Mogwai. but I'm not sure why you would even want Mogwai. I mean, Mogwai is kind of a Jerk. back in grade school I lent Mogwai my copy of pokemon fire red, and then Mogwai never returned it. Mogwai moved away at end of school year, so I never got it back. Seriously, Mogwai sucks. Fuck you, Mogwai!
Ohio Gozaimasu! today I have a very special story to share with you all. this story is about a guy by the name of Trevor. you see, when Trevor was Just a wee lad, he had a curse put on him by an evil witch. despite the curse, Trevor is able to live a normal life with a normal Job. the curse is just something Trevor has learned to live with. what was this curse, you ask? well, pay close attention to the way Trevor talks and you Just might find out!
on this particular day, Trevor was working at his Job: holding a sign in front of a grocery store! people would often walk by Trevor when he's doing his Job, giving him funny looks.
Trevor: "so don't delay, act now! supplies are running out!"
Just by random happen stance, Trevor's good friend, Randy, happened to be walking by.
Randy: "Trevor, is that you? how are you feeling today, buddy?"
Trevor: "WHOA! I feel good. I knew that I would now"
Randy: "that's good. though you seem a little under dressed for this time of year"
Trevor: "it's hot here at night. lonely, black and quiet!"
Randy: "ok, if you say so"
suddenly, an earthquake started, and the ground underneath the two friends began to fall apart!
Randy: "aah! what's going on!?
Trevor: "it's the end of the world as we know it!!!"
as randy and Trevor fell, they found themselves transported to some kind of magical, parallel world in an alternate dimension. there was a spooky looking man on the ground, but Trevor fell on top of him. the spooky man was smushed to death.
Randy: "oh no! is that guy going to be ok?"
Trevor: "he had it comin'. he only had himself to blame"
Randy: "why would you say that, Trevor? we don't even know this guy. . . wait, there's someone else here!"
Trevor: "is it the man come to take me away? why do they follow me?"
it wasn't the man, but rather, a large group of magical garden gnomes!
Gnomes: "hurray! they killed the evil wizard that has been terrorizing our town!"
Randy: "wait, this guy was an evil wizard?"
Trevor: "evil power disappears. Demon's worry when the wizard is near"
Gnomes: "we're not Demons, we're Gnomes! thank you for taking care of that evil wizard. welcome to Gnome town, travelers!"
Randy: "Gome town? but how do we get back to where we came from"
Trevor: "there's no escaping the Jaws of the alien this time"
Randy: "stop being such a pessimist, trevor! there has to be a way for us to get back".
Gnomes: "actually, if you follow the silver block road, escape from the hidden forest, pass through the gingerbread house, rescue the princess from the burning castle and make it to the pyramid with the genie in it, you can make a wish and return to the place where you came from!"
Randy: "wow, that seems weirdly complicated and oddly specific, but if it's the only way, I guess we have no choice. come on Trevor, let's follow the road".
Trevor: "I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah?"
Randy: "I mean, thanks for the offer, but I think we should stick to the silver block road the Gnomes told us about."
Trevor and Randy followed the silver block road. as they left, the Gnomes waved goodbye, while also giggling a little bit. once they were far enough away so the Gnomes could no longer hear them, Trevor turned to Randy and whispered something in his ear
Trevor: "Short people got no reason to live".
Randy: "Trevor!!?"
eventually, Trevor and Randy found their way into the hidden forest. there were large, towering trees all around them. it was also a bit foggy and hard to see.
Randy: "wow, so this is the hidden forest. why do you think they call it the hidden forest?"
Trevor: "everyone's got something to hide. except for me and my monkey"
suddenly, a big scary yeti looking creature Jumped out in front of Trevor and Randy, making scary noises and waving it's arms around.
Yeti: "oogity boogity!"
Randy: "ah! what is that thing!?"
Trevor: "oh no, it's the powdered milk man!"
Randy: "the what?"
the yeti continued making scary noises, and was now jumping up and down while violently waving it's arms.
yeti: "OOGITY BOOGITY!!!"
Randy: "I'm scared!"
Trevor looked deep into the monster's eyes.
Trevor: "If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger. You know in the end I'll always be there."
the monster calmed down. the monster took out a key and handed it to trevor before shedding a tear and wondering back into the forest.
Randy: "I don't believe it. Trevor, how did you do that?"
Trevor: "I done told you once you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been"
Randy: "what the hell, Trevor!?"
Trevor: "I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say! I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be!"
Randy: "well if you can't say something nice, don't say anything!"
the two arrived at their next destination, the Gingerbread house. Trevor was about to raise his hand to knock on the door, when he suddenly stopped.
Randy: "what's the matter, Trevor?"
Trevor: "I've never had to knock on wood. but I know someone who has."
Randy: "well, the door's made of gingerbread, so you should be fine."
Trevor knocked on the door. after waiting for several minutes, there was no answer. they tried opening the door, but it was locked.
Randy: "wait a minute, maybe the key the monster gave you is actually the key to this gingerbread house! try using it, Trevor!"
Trevor: "do you see the key in my hand? I'm gonna throw it in the lake!!"
Randy: "what, why!? we need it to open the door!"
Trevor: "let my love open the door!"
Randy: "but we have A KEY!!!"
Trevor: "you shut your mouth? how can you say I go about things the wrong way!?
Randy: "this is definitely the wrong way to open the door!"
after several more minutes of arguing, the gingerbread house collapsed in on itself. its structural integrity wasn't great in the first place due to being made of gingerbread and being held together by frosting, and all the fighting and yelling the two were doing proved to be catastrophic.
Randy: "well. . . I guess we can just go around".
Trevor: "now this looks like a Job for me, so everybody Just follow me".
Randy: "I feel like one of these days, you're gonna lead me to my death."
the two eventually found their way to the burning castle, where they were told they must save the princess.
Randy: "if we're going to save the princess, we'll need to put out the fire somehow."
Trevor: "Burn baby Burn! Burn that mother down!"
Randy: "I've had Just about enough of your nonsense, Trevor. it's like you want us to fail! I'll do this on my own if I have to!"
Randy steps forward, getting a closer look at the burning castle.
Randy: "I wonder what's even causing this fire. who started it?"
Trevor: "we didn't start the fire. it was always burning since the world's been turning."
Randy: "I wasn't even accusing you, but now that you say that I'm starting to suspect you did somehow start this fire."
Just then, the princess peaked out the castle window.
Princess: "hello!? is someone here to rescue me!"
Trevor: "Run away! Run away! Run away if you want to survive!"
Princess: "there's no where for me to run! the castle is on fire! come here and rescue me!"
Randy: "actually, now that I think about it, maybe it HAS always been burning. I mean those Gnomes clearly knew about the burning castle, it was part of the instructions they gave us. . ."
Trevor grabs Randy by the hand
Trevor: "hold tight. we're in for nasty weather. there has got to be a way. burning down the house!"
Randy: "wait, what are you doing! stop"
Trevor began running through the burning castle, pulling Randy along with him!
Trevor: "I'm walking on sunshine!"
Randy: "this isn't sunshine, it's fire! we're on fire! it hurts! this was a terrible idea, why are we doing this!?"
Trevor: "We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days. Through the fire and the flames, we carry on!"
eventually, the two reach the princess's room.
Randy: "ugh. . we're here to rescue you. come with us."
Princess: "what the heck, I didn't expect my rescuers to be so. . . suspicious. I changed my mind, I don't want to go with you."
Trevor: "Move, bitch, get out the way".
Trevor walks over and picks the princess up, holding her over his shoulder like that one scene from shrek.
Princess: "put me down, you weirdo!"
Trevor: "hey little girl, is your daddy home?"
Princess: "PUT ME DOWN NOW!"
continuing to carry the princess, Trevor walks over to Randy.
Trevor: "I've got the brains, You've got the looks, Let's make lots of money."
Randy: "I don't know what you're planning, but I don't like this!"
after making it out of the castle, the princess managed to escape, wondering aimlessly into the horizon, trying not to look back at her suspicious rescuers.
Trevor: "there she goes. there she goes again."
Randy: "you could have handled that a lot better. you freaked the poor girl out."
Trevor: "I don't know what everyone wants me to be. I only know Just how to be me".
with that out of the way, Trevor and randy made their way into the ancient pyramid, where the genie's lamp is.
Randy: you know, now that I think about it, we probably could have made it here without running through a burning castle. kind of a random detour. hey, are you listening to me?"
Trevor picks up the genie's lamp, staring intently at it.
Trevor: "all I've ever wanted, all i've ever needed is HERE! in my arms!"
Randy: "hey, don't get any ideas, we need to wish for a way home!"
the genie burst out of the lamp in a puff of smoke. he had an underwhelming appearance, looking like some average homeless man.
genie: "I am the genie of the lamp. I will grant you one wish, what do you want?"
Randy: "only one? isn't it supposed to be three?"
Trevor: "three is a magic number. yes it is, it's a magic number."
Randy: "I can't believe that made it into two of these stories in a row."
the genie looked at the two, clearly annoyed.
Genie: "listen, I only got enough magic for one wish, so what do you want?"
Trevor: "I just want to fly."
Randy: "err, what he means is, we want you to fly us home!"
Genie: "yeah, whatever, here you go".
and so, Trevor and randy were flown home in an incredibly anti climactic fashion. as they arrived home, there was a crowd of people cheering for them for some reason.
Randy: "why are they cheering, what did we do?"
Trevor: "Picture it now, see just how the lies and deceit gained a little more power".
Randy: "oh great, what did you do this time!?"
as the two landed, the mayor of the city arrived, inviting everyone to a giant feast!
Trevor: "I'd rather eat randy".
Randy: "what!?"
Trevor: "I eat cannibal. Feed on animal!"
Randy: "Trevor, I am neither a cannibal nor an animal."
Trevor: " la la la, whatever. la la la, it doesn't matter".
and that was the story of Trevor. quite an amazing tale, was it not? by now, You've probably figured out what the curse placed on Trevor is, right? well, in case you didn't figure it out, I'll go ahead and tell you.
no matter where he is, no matter what he is doing, Trevor cannot wear pants.
it wasn't that long ago that I didn't take AI seriously. I'd look at the nonsensical text it spews out and creepy images it'd make, and I'd point and laugh. "look at the dumb robot", I'd say. I thought for sure no one would ever legitimately believe this crap was usable, but it seems I overestimated humanity.
that was four years ago. now, not only is AI slop everywhere, polluting twitter, DeviantArt, steam and even youtube, but I just saw a Raising cane's commercial staring Chuck Norris.... Chuck Norris died four months ago. I searched looking for news articles covering this, expecting people to be outraged, but it seems the only people covering what should be a major controversy are acting like using AI to put dead celebrities in commercials is a good thing.
fuck AI. fuck capitalism, and fuck anyone who supports this. AI should be illegal.
Green eggs and ham, originally released in 1960, is one of Dr. Suess's most beloved children's books. a "beginner book", the story only uses a total of 50 words, as this was the result of a bet between suess and his publisher. hence green eggs and ham's repetitive, formulaic nature. however, it wasn't always this way. some of Theodor Suess Garcia Miyazaki Giesel's earlier books weren't necessarily aimed at children. no, becoming a children's book author was a decision made along the way, probably because that's what got him the most money. believe it or not, books like "the seven lady godivas" failed to capture an audience.
but what you may not know is that green eggs and ham wasn't suess's first attempt at telling this specific story. the Scenario in which a deranged weirdo tries to force an unsuspecting victim to eat food they don't want to eat originates from one of suess's earlier, rejected books. suess would later rework this rejected book in order to create the version of green eggs and ham we know and love today. however, I have unearthed the original version and will now share it with all of you. like suess's other earlier works, it was aimed at an older audience, and contains all sorts of "fun" words that were cut from the final version. so sit back and enjoy Dr. Suess's "The rancid fish head sandwich".
I am Sad. I am Sad. The Sad fish monger Grand Dad.
That Fish monger Grand Dad. that fish monger Grand Dad. I seriously despise that fish monger Grand Dad.
would you like to eat my rancid fish head sandwich?
I do not care for your rancid fish head sandwich.
would you enjoy it on Monday?
would you enjoy it on Tuesday?
I would not enjoy it on Monday.
I would not enjoy it anyway.
I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.
take it away, you son of a bitch.
would you consume it in the trash?
would you consume it with a rash?
I would not consume it in the Trash.
I would not consume it with a rash.
I would not consume it on Tuesday.
I would not consume it anyway!
I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.
take it away, you son of a bitch.
Would you ingest it on the grass?
Would you ingest it up my ass?
I would not ingest it on the grass.
I would not ingest it up your ass.
I would not ingest it in the trash.
I would not ingest it with a rash.
I would not ingest it on Wednesday.
I would not Ingest it Anyway!
I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.
take it away, you son of a bitch.
would you, could you, with some Blunts?
eat it now, you only live once!
you would love it, I can tell.
you will devour it when you're in hell.
I would not, could not with some Blunts.
no chance in hell, you pathetic Dunce.
I would not devour it on the Grass.
I would not devour it up your ass.
I would not devour it in the trash.
I would not devour it with a rash.
I would not devour it on Thursday.
I would not devour it anyway!
I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.
take it away, you son of a bitch.
a prostitute! a prostitute! a prostitute! a prostitute!
could you finish it off with a prostitute?
not with a prostitute, not with some blunts.
no chance in hell, you pathetic dunce.
I could not finish it on the Grass.
I would not finish it up your ass.
I could not finish it in the trash.
I would not finish it on with a rash.
I could not finish it on Friday.
I would not finish it anyway!
I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.
take it away, you son of a bitch.
((just then, a giant UFO descends from outer space and abducts our two main characters, then returns to it's home planet))
say, Uranus? here, on Uranus?
would you be willing to cram it down on Uranus?
I would not cram it down your anus. . . sorry, I meant to say on Uranus. anyway
not with a prostitute, not with some blunts.
no chance in hell, you pathetic dunce.
I would not consume it on the grass.
I would not Ingest it up your ass.
I would not devour it in the trash.
I would not finish it with a rash.
I would not enjoy it on saturday.
I could not enjoy it anyway!
I do not care for the Rancid Fish head Sandwich.
take it away, you son of a bitch!
((Just then, the aliens point their guns at our two main characters))
ZIPBLAGLORPEHKLIBBLENABZIVOAUK!!!
((that was one of the aliens talking))
he says he wants you to eat the Rancid fish head sandwich!
If I eat the Rancid Fish head sandwich, will you freaks take me back to earth?
((the aliens nod))
ok. . . here I go
. . . .
BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!
that was disgusting. this is why you should never try new things.
and never again will I Cram it down on Uranus.
never again will I finish it with a prostitute or some blunts.
No chance in Hell, You Pathetic dunce.
never again will I consume it on the grass.
never again will I consume it up your ass.
never again will I ingest it in the trash,
never again will I ingest it with a rash.
never again will I devour it on sunday.
never again will I eat it anyway!
I still do not care for the rancid fish head sandwich.
leave me alone, you son of a bitch.
hey, that's ok. you tried something new, even if it was bad.
shut the hell up, sad fish monger grand dad.
***
and that was Dr. Suess's "the rancid fish head sandwich". I can see why it was rejected. those big words would be too hard for a small child to read. gotta sell it to those kids, that's where the money is at. there's also the error Suess made when it came to rhyming: blunt and dunce don't exactly rhyme, do they? some have theorized that an even earlier draft would have used a word Beginning with the letter C before it was eventually swapped out with Dunce, but we may never know for sure.
next time, we'll be taking a look at Roald Dahl's unreleased sequel to charlie and the chocolate factory and Charlie and the great glass elevator, "Charlie in the white house". yep, that is a real thing that was going to happen. I bet that's not the direction you thought the books were going. you know what, maybe children shouldn't read books.
the world has become a terrifying place. politicians are starting pointless wars, billionaires are destroying the environment, and disinformation is spreading like wild fire! but the worst thing that's happened, is that people are being mean to ELMO!!!
I watched Elmo in Grouchland as a kid and absolutely loved it, but the common sentiment amongst terminally online reviewers is that the movie is bad. this is an outrage and I will not stand for it. but before talking about the adventures of Elmo in Grouchland, we must first talk about Elmo himself. this little red monster first appeared in season 11 of sesame street, but his actual takeover of the franchise didn't happen till a bit later. once Elmo exploded in popularity, he was everywhere. children of the 90s such as myself loved him. but fans of the older sesame street episodes... they LOATHED Elmo. they couldn't stand his high voice, his childlike naivety and his hatred of rocks. yet they could not escape him, because his marketability meant he was everywhere. people murdered each other just for a chance to buy tickle me Elmo! thus, there was drama in the sesame street community as old fans and new fans could not see eye to eye.
Elmo in Grouchland starts with Ernie and Bert talking directly to the audience. they interrupt the movie a few times throughout, talking about what's happening. allegedly, these scenes were added later in production because when shown to test audiences, children found certain scenes to be too scary or too intense, so Ernie and Bert were put here to assure the children that everything is fine. however, I have my suspicions that these scenes were actually placed here to try and appease the older sesame street fans who would have thrown a tantrum if Ernie and Bert weren't in the movie. the movie then starts for real in Elmo's room. it looks a bit different than usual... Elmo now has a framed photo of tiger woods. oh... poor Elmo. anyway, in this intro, Elmo tells us all about his blanket. he loves that blanket and is very attached to it. I can relate, I also had a blanket I was very attached to when I was around elmo's age... I wonder where it is now? actually, I haven't seen it in a while. possibly years.... damn, that thing is long gone, isn't it?
Elmo then takes his blanket to the laundromat, and outside he meets Zoe. Zoe complains that she didn't get to go to the zoo that day, so Elmo tries to cheer her up. honestly, Elmo shouldn't bother. Zoe is a terrible friend, always using her pet rock rocco to torture Elmo. Zoe then takes Elmo's blanket without asking, causing it to rip, but since Zoe is a manipulative little monster and a professional gaslighter, the movie acts like Elmo is in the wrong here. I'll agree with the film's critics just once... this is questionable. anyway, comedic hijinx ensue and elmo's blanket ends up in oscar the grouch's trashcan.
you all know Oscar, he's been in the show from the beginning. he's pretty much the polar opposite of Elmo, being a grouch who lives in a trash can. The worst part about Living in a trash can is people expect you to behave as if you don't. anyway, apparently Oscar has a portal to another dimension in his can, so Elmo and his blanket get transported to grouch land. this all may seem just like a silly kids movie plot so far, but by browsing the internet and observing people who have "opinions", it's clear that media literacy is at an all-time low. as such, it's up to me to explain what's REALLY going on in this film.
grouch land is a dirty, messy place where everyone is mean. it's very different from sesame street, which is always clean, colorful and full of nice people who talk about the alphabet. for you see, sesame street is a reflection of what the world is like when you are a kid, but Grouchland? that's the world when you're an adult. when you're a kid the world seems so fascinating and whimsical, but once you're an adult you see the world for the uncaring hellscape that it is. so really, Elmo in Grouchland is a movie about elmo, a naive child, being thrown into the adult world.
and that's where we meet Huxley, Grouchland's resident supervillain manchild. when Huxley see's something he wants, he steals it and then takes it back to his castle. we aren't given much about Huxley's backstory, but we do know that he is an actor who failed his west side story audition. he wanted the part of Maria, but the director said Huxley wasn't right for the role. naturally, Huxley steal's Elmo's blanket.
while the plot of this movie may seem like a simple journey for Elmo to get his blanket back from an overgrown theatre kid, there's much more going on here if you read between the lines. Elmo is a stand in for the very children watching the movie, but Huxley? he represents the sesame street fans of yesteryear, who grew up and claimed the show was "ruined" because of Elmo. Huxley is the guy who says "I don't like this new sesame street, I want MY sesame street back!". I'm not making this up, this is what elmo in Grouchland is actually about!
as Elmo sets off on his adventure, the other characters back in sesame street find Oscar and try to figure out what happened to Elmo. Oscar reluctantly lets Zoe, Telly, cookie monster, big bird and the human characters no one cares about through his magic trash portal. now, sesame street is known for teaching children valuable lessons, and this is where the movie teaches it's greatest lesson of all: once arriving in Grouchland, Big bird and the others ask a police officer for help. that police officer then takes all the sesame street residents and locks them up in jail! never trust the police, kids.
it's around this time that Huxley sings his obligatory villain song, "MINE". this is one of the greatest villain songs of all time. it puts hellfire to shame! just listening to it, you can really tell how greedy and selfish Huxley is. just think of what would happen if someone like this had any sort of power? if Huxley became president, he'd probably defund PBS, threatening the existence of Sesame street it's self! ... nah, Huxley is evil, but there's no way he's that evil.
anyway, Huxley has his weird little bug minion trick Elmo into going to the junkyard, where Elmo is quickly captured by minions of the "queen of trash". some ignorant reviewers assume this part of the movie is a pointless detour, but they are WRONG! this scene directly ties into the secret message the writers were clearly trying to get across to Elmo's detractors!
when elmo arrives at the junkyard, he says the place is full of junk, but the queen of trash sings another awesome song, "I see a kingdom". yeah, the songs in this movie are fire. we get a banger back to back! I mean, just listen to these lyrics. "I see a kingdom Shining bright I can see the colors coming through You'll find the beauty if you look at something right. It's all about your point of view."
the queen of trash makes an excellent point. some people may look at modern sesame street, or children's entertainment in general, and think it's trash. but you're not looking at it through the right lens! there's a reason why people who grew up with elmo love him and people who didn't despise him: watching something through the eyes of a child gives you a different point of view. I'm certainly not the same person I was when I was a kid, growing up changes a person. a lot! the world chews you up, spits you out and then sets you on fire! but when you look back at something from your childhood, you still keep those memories you formed as a child. Nostalgia doesn't make you blind, it makes you CLAIRVOYANT! it allows you to view something through the eyes of both your younger and older self!
and on a side note, apparently for some people, the queen of trash was one of those characters that made them realize they are attracted to women... eh, I don't see it. to compare to another Jim Henson Movie, Vanessa Williams as the queen of trash isn't nearly as attractive as David bowie as the king of Goblins.
while Elmo manages to appease the queen of trash by making fart noises (don't ask), Huxley isn't done yet, as he sends a giant chicken after Elmo. it's at this moment that the movie could not possibly be more blatant with it's symbolism. for you see, Elmo in Grouchland was always fated to live in the shadow of it's predecessor: the first sesame street film, "follow that bird". sesame street's first theatrical film of course starred big bird, so who better to be Elmo's opponent than an even bigger bird! some may even call him the biggest bird of them all!
when faced with the ghost of sesame street's past success, Elmo is nearly eaten alive. but Elmo is able to escape from the biggest bird by no longer comparing himself to his more successful predecessor. Elmo learns that the best way to move forward is by accepting himself for who he really is deep down inside: a teapot! ... ok, so maybe not all of the symbolism makes sense. but hey, you gotta give the writers credit, they cooked 90% of the time.
back with the other characters, Oscar the Grouch finally admits that Elmo is his friend, symbolically proving that even Elmo's biggest, grouchiest detractors can grow and change. and with one epic speech, Oscar convinces the other grouches to rise up and take down the greedy manchild that has been oppressing them. indeed, by having all the grouches team up against Huxley, the movie is teaching us that it doesn't matter whether you're a fan of the older sesame street seasons or the newer ones: only together can we rise up and defeat Capitalism! EAT THE RICH!
and thus, with everyone's help, Huxley is defeated and Elmo gets his blanket back. Elmo is even kind enough to let Zoe hold his blanket.... he really shouldn't. this whole ordeal was Zoe's fault in the first place. that bitch deserves NOTHING! but hey, Elmo's a nice guy. he even befriends that weird bug guy that was working for Huxley before.
Elmo in Grouchland came out in 1999, so being born in 1995, I was the perfect age for it. the movie really spoke to me, just as I'm sure "follow that bird" spoke to people born in the 80s. I no longer watch sesame street, but I'm sure there have been plenty of movies and specials since then. and probably a lot of new characters have been introduced... I think they added a fairy at some point? I have no idea what that's about. but sesame street doesn't belong to any one person or any one generation: sesame street is for everyone. sure, people will outgrow it, but new fans will take their place and develop an attachment to different characters. and that is the message that Elmo in Grouchland was trying to tell us all along. and somehow, despite all odds, they managed to do it without asking Mr. Noodle for help.
and I must say, for the first and last Hollywood adaption of "Catcher in the rye", Elmo in Grouchland did a pretty good job faithfully adapting the story for the big screen.
hey guys, today we'll be ranking pokemon based on their potential for a deez nuts joke. if there's any pokemon I missed, make sure to leave a comment and tell me why they would make a good deez nuts joke. without further ado, let's a go
Gulpin deez nuts: 10/10. this is the gold standard, the pokemon that started the deez nuts phenomenon.
Swalot deez nuts: 9/10. not as great as it's pre evolution, but still a really good choice for a deez nuts joke.
Slugma deez nuts: 7/10. if you go with this one then you're probably a little bit confused. if someone says "slugma" you're supposed to say "slugma balls". still, even if you forget and accidentally say "slugma deez nuts", you can save it.
Magcargo deez nuts: 2/10. unfortunately, slugma's evolution does not carry the same potential it once had, but it still gets a few pity points.
Indeedee deez nuts: 8/10. doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I gotta give it points for the alliteration.
Hitmonchan deez nuts: 0/10. this doesn't make any sense at all... if you actually say this, there is something wrong with you.
Horsea deez nuts: 6/10. Horsea isn't really bringing much to the table, but any pokemon whose name ends with the see/sea sound automatically gets this many points.
Koffing deez nuts or weezing deez nuts: 5/10. these get points because the pokemon's name is just a regular word of the english language, but in this specific case, you should probably see a doctor.
slurpuff deez nuts: 7/10. I should probably rank this much higher, but I'm deducting points because I hate it.
Cuebone deez nuts: 6/10. I get that "bone" is very funny, but come on. cuebone has been through so much. the little guy deserves better.
Baltoy deez nuts: 6/10. always get consent before using deez nuts as a ball toy.
Squirtle deez nuts: 7/10. I bet you didn't expect to find such a viable option this early in the pokedex.
Charizard Deez nuts: 8/10. I know, it makes no sense, But I just really like Charizard.
Bewear deez nuts: 10/10. this one is powerful. like, it's not your average deez nuts joke, it's an actual threat.
Wynaut deez nuts: 6/10. Wynaut's name literally just being "why not" makes it a prime candidate for any pokemon related pun, but unlike our previous example, this one lacks any sort of confidence. it's like the person saying it is unsure of themselves.
Sawk deez nuts: 9/10. another classic example, you can't go wrong with sawk.
throh deez nuts: 5/10. you can go wrong with throh.
Exploud deez nuts: 8/10. you're an absolute madman if you go with this one.
Smoochum deez nuts: 7/10. some people just want to watch the world burn.
Diglett deez nuts: 1/10. it doesn't really make any sense, but you gotta remember what Diglett actually looks like, and that's gotta be worth something.
Rayquaza deez nuts: 0/10. again, it's just nonsense. not every pokemon makes a good deez nuts joke, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Lickilicky deez nuts: 9/10. this one is just silly.
Exeggcute Deez Nuts: 8/10. RIP in peace. you served your country well, brave soldier.
Annihilape deez Nuts: 8/10. STOP STOP he's already dead!!!
spinda deez nuts: 5/10. just because you can make a deez nuts joke doesn't mean you should. it makes sense, but unfortunately, spinda is not funny.
Machop deez nuts: 6/10. sounds painful.
scizor deez nuts: 4/10. sounds REALLY painful.
Spoink deez nuts: 3/10. am I crazy or does this actually kind of work?
Omanyte Deez nuts: 6/10 🎺 🎺 Hear ye Hear ye! in the name of lord helix himself, I knight thee Sir Deez nuts! ⚔️ .... ok, admittedly, that was a long walk for a short glass of water.
Swellow deez nuts: 6/10. this is just poor man's "swalot deez nuts", but there are worse options out there.
Delibird deez nuts: 7/10. hopefully he arrives on time.
unown deez nuts: ?/10. what could they possibly mean by this?
Registeel Deez nuts: -1/10. Reggie would never steal deez nuts! he's not that kind of guy!
Meltan deez nuts: 8/10. must have been a really hot day
Chesnaut deez nuts: 1/10. redundant.
Rhydon deez nuts: 9/10. another classic
Metagross deez nuts: 3/10. I'm sure somewhere deep down there's a Joke here about Mark Zuckerbergs gross buisness practices. but while meta is indeed gross, that has nothing to do with deez nuts.
metal garurumon deez nuts: 0/10. wrong franchise. also no.
Flittle Deez nuts: 7/10. this one has potential. Not sure what flittling is but it does sound like something you might do to deez nuts.
Heracross Deez nuts: 11/10. lowkey one of the greatest deez nuts pokemon of all time. if you don't see the vision, say it out loud a few times, you'll understand.
Are you ready, Kids? ever since its debut in 1999, spongebob squarepants has been watched by children and weird adults all over the world. it is by far nickelodeon's most popular show, and it's longest running show, still going strong to this day. the show has a large cast of characters, beloved by many. these characters include squidward, patrick, Mr. krabs, Mrs. puff, sandy, pearl, Larry, Gary, and the sponge himself. however, many overlook an equally important set of characters, the fish that live in bikini bottom, acting as the background characters. the production team refers to them as "incidentals", but there is nothing incidental about them. today, we'll be focusing on the most important "incidental", arguably the single most important character in the whole show (and no, it's not the "my leg" guy)
meet Incidental 6, also known as "chocolate guy", but commonly referred to as tom. you may recognize him from the episode "chocolate with nuts", where he terrorizes spongebob and patrick the whole episode while screaming "Chocolate!!!". indeed, the scene has been memed to death at this point, but tis but a fraction of tom's contribution to the show.
"chocolate with nuts" is not the first time we see tom's violent tendencies. in one of his earliest appearances, "fools in April", spongebob plays pranks on all his friends. spongebob's prank on tom was quite nefarious: he asked for a couple of ice cubes in his drink, but spongebob only gave him one. while spongebob continues to giggle, tom becomes quite violent with spongebob, grabbing him and demanding to know what spongebob did to his drink. while tom ultimately laughs at the prank, he was still quite furious at the sponge. tom would begin plotting his revenge.
"musclebob buffpants", an episode where spongebob tries to impress his friends with his inflatable "anchor arms", tom can be seen working at a juice bar. when spongebob and the others visit this juice bar, tom sees an opportunity to get back at spongebob with a prank of his own. tom places a drink on top of spongebob's anchor arms, causing spongebob to be unable to move. tom later lifts the drink himself at the exact right moment, causing spongebob to be sent flying. tis but a taste of tom's fury.
when people get angry at spongebob's friend, bubble buddy, Tom decides to rile up the crowd even further by declaring that bubble buddy "poisoned their water supply, burned their crops, and delivered a plague unto their houses." the crowd realizes that bubble buddy did not in fact do any of this, but tom asks them if they're just going to wait around until he does, causing the crowd to turn into an angry mob! this shows tom has a mastery of gaslighting and fearmongering. he would probably make a great politician. while bubble buddy walks away from this unharmed, effectively getting away with drowning a guy earlier in the episode, tom's influence over the people of bikini bottom cannot be understated.
spongebob would incur tom's wrath once again, after placing his feet in tom's bowl of potato salad. tom informs spongebob it took him three days to make that potato salad. THREE DAYS! it may at first sound like tom's just bad at cooking, but in truth, taking three days was intentional. tom has a secret technique to creating potato salad, one not unlike how you'd prepare wine or stinky cheese. tom's secret potato salad recipe is most likely even more sought after than the krabby patty formula itself. indeed, Tom's influence over the food industry can be seen again in "the graveyard shift", where he single handedly causes the krusty krab to remain open 24 hours a day.
but what is the secret ingredient to tom's potato salad? could it be, no, chocolate!? of course, now it all makes sense! that's why he spent so much time and money trying to get all of spongebob and patrick's chocolate. speaking of money, tom sure has a lot of it. naturally, he is both a career politician and the creator of a highly sought after potato salad recipe. but did you know that tom not only also works in a retirement home, but he is even a dentist? that's quite a few Jobs for one man to tackle all on his own, but it makes sense why he's so rich. also makes sense why Tom arrived late to spongebob's party in "party pooper pants". he was the last to arrive because he was busy at work. but hey, at least he brought chips.
what could tom be using all this money for? well, during the fated potato salad incident with spongebob, tom could be seen with his family, a wife and a single daughter. but during a different episode "hocus pocus", tom is seen with a small boy, presumably his son. the boy is holding ice cream, crying "but I don't like pistachio", to which tom angrily replies "then why did you ask for it!?" do you know what this means? yes, tom secretly has two separate families he keeps secret from each other. just what one would expect from a career politician! supporting two families would be quite an expensive task. tom's probably working all the time just for that reason. no wonder he's so irritable.
unfortunately for tom, he could not keep up the charade forever. he would receive his comeuppance in the episode "I had an accident", where tom can be seen in the hospital, forced to end up in "the iron butt" after experiencing some fatal butt injury. tom looks at his rear end, weakly admitting that "it itches". even further down the line, tom would be seen as one of the prisoners at inferno island in the episode "the inmates of summer". what did tom do to end up in Jail? a better question would be "what DIDN'T he do". tom has done it all. while a successful entrepreneur, tom would let his wrath and his pride get the better of him on numerous occasions. like Icarus, he flew too close to the sun, only to end up burning.
Tom's story is one of the most tragic stories in ever told in a nickelodeon cartoon. but it is true art. the kind of art that one would expect from the same people who gave us such classics as "the splinter", "one course meal", and "Atlantis squarepantis". I hope that by reading this, you've all gained a newfound appreciation for tom. truly the greatest animated character ever to be created.
the year was 2001. America had just experienced the September 11th terrorists attack that destroyed the world trade center, which would then lead to a global war on terrorism that would last over a decade and forever change the course of the world. and also, Disney released a movie called Max keeble's big move.
as a kid raised in that era, my only job was to blindly consume content. my grandma bought the movie for some reason, and I'd watch it whenever I was at her house. as a child, I loved it. as an adult, I often ask myself: what the hell was that? this movie was a bomb. not the kind of bomb you'd find in a terrorist attack, but instead a box office bomb. no one went to see it in theatres. and it's easy to see why. first, let's talk about that title: "Max keeble's big move". who the hell is Max Keeble? the movie is titled like we're already supposed to know who he is. this wasn't a movie for an existing Disney channel show, it's a standalone film. was this supposed to lead to a franchise? if successful, was there going to be a TV show and other films down the line? it sure seems like it, because during the 86 minute run time they sure seem to cram in as many characters, plotlines and running jokes as possible. if this was supposed to be the pilot for a Disney channel series I wouldn't be surprised, but I guess since it bombed, nothing ever materialized.
but once the film starts, we are introduced to the titular max Keeble, and he's basically every 90s/2000s kid protagonist ever made. you know this type of character, he's Bart Simpson. he's timmy turner. he is both Zack and Cody. what I'm getting at is he's a little stinker. he gets into all sorts of trouble and we're supposed to love him for it. the entire premise of the movie is his family is about to move away because of his dad's job. his dad also happens to be lizzie McGuire's dad, which leads to several unanswered questions, but I digress. Max decides to use this opportunity to pull pranks on all his enemies without having to deal with the consequences of his actions. you know, because he's a little stinker. and yes, I said "enemies". as in plural. more than one. this kid is 12 years old and he already has several enemies, most of whom are grown men. there's the principal of his school who happens to be a puppy killer. there's an evil ice cream man who's only given name is literally "the evil ice cream man". there's some nerd with a palm pilot (remember those?), and he's also from Lizzie MaGuire. and then there's Troy McGinty, we'll talk about him later, and so between getting revenge on all these characters, Max also has to balance saying Farwell to his friends while also getting the attention of some popular girl who tries to come between max and his friends for no apparent reason. AND he has to save the animal shelter before he moves away because of course he does, it's the early 2000s, they gotta give him something to protest. also, Lil Romeo is there for some reason.
see what I mean when I say this feels like it was meant to be a pilot for a Tv show? why are there so many odd characters who come into conflict with the main character? were they meant to go on to be recurring bad guys? the evil ice cream man completely disappears 2/3rds of the way into the film, and we never see him again. why stick a "save the animal shelter" storyline into what's otherwise a revenge story? and it's 2001, so they just had to make sure tony hawk made an appearance. looking back, I remember the whole film being so much longer than it actually is because it has so much going on, and for what? the first 20 minutes is max telling us how cool he is, and after the movie ends, he and this zany cast of characters are gone forever. one of his friends is josh peck. if this had become a franchise, we probably wouldn't have gotten Drake and Josh on Nickelodeon. I'd probably have said Josh dodged a bullet not working for Disney, but I recently found out that working at Nickelodeon is somehow even worse, so maybe he didn't. but even though Max Keeble never got a Tv Show, they still dedicated plenty of screen time to establish a fictional Tv show that exists solely within the world of this movie. that's right, everyone's favorite highland frog, MacGoogles! for some reason, resident School Bully Troy McGinty is absolutely terrified of this. . . this, Scottish children's educational TV show mascot? I mean, there have been weirder kids shows in the past, so I wouldn't have been at all surprised to find out MacGoogles is an actual show, but nah, they just made him up for this movie. it's such an odd thing to have troy be afraid of, but troy has a fairly realistic panic attack whenever the thing inevitably shows up. I kind of feel bad for the guy. Max is such a stinker.
of course, by the end of the movie, big twist, max isn't moving after all! WHAAAAAT!? that's crazy!! so in the end, he learns the value of friendship, learns not to run away from his problems, and also saves the animal shelter while he's at it because that is still a thing that happens. but he's still a giant stinker and the whole school bands together and throws the bullies into a garbage can. why didn't they just do that in the first place? doesn't it kind of undermine the moral about dealing with your problems head on if, in the end, everyone else takes care of Max's problem for him? hell, this didn't even solve the problem, what's stopping troy and the palm pilot guy from trying to beat max up again? and where the hell did the evil ice cream man go!? this man has been missing for 23 years, we need to find him and put a stop to his evil ice cream man business. with no sequels nor any TV series or spin offs, the director would instead go on to direct "alvin and the chipmonks" and "grumpy cats worst christmas ever", so Max Keeble was right, there are indeed consequences for our actions. Max himself was played by the kid from home alone 3 (yet another stinker), but not sure what he did after this. seems like he might have dropped off the face of the earth. but apparently the actor who played troy ended up playing some vampire character in twilight, so at least he managed to escape from Macgoogles (for now).
and going back to the title, I get it's called "max keeble's big move" because he and his family were going to move, but like, they don't. the act of moving from one place to another is not an event that happens in the movie. is the "big move" supposed to refer to the action of getting revenge on his enemies? that's not really a "move" per say, his plans are all incredibly convoluted and required several moving parts to actually work. in fact, if this was supposed to end up being a franchise, why not just call it "Max Keeble's big movie"? it's a one letter difference, but it still would have made a big difference. probably wouldn't have stopped the movie from failing, but who knows, it might have stopped 9/11.