Rejection sensitivity and socio-sexual expectations
I wanna know if anyone here has had similar experiences:
In my senior year of college, I was infatuated with a friend of mine. He and I had been hooking up for a couple months and I believed that what I felt was genuine affection. I learned later that I am really sensitive to any sort of rejection--even perceived rejection. I take it way too hard and personally, and it becomes an intrusive thought for the rest of my life. (OCD is fun, eh?) I also later learned that I just enjoy spending time with people. You might even say that quality time is my love language.
One day, I went to support him at a campus bench-press competition. I couldn't care less about bench-pressing. I didn't care about the crowd of muscular, "conventionally attractive" men around me. I just wanted to convince my friend to agree to spend more time with me.
Before he went out, I casually asked him if he'd like to do something this weekend and, annoyed, he pointed out this tall, ripped Adonis of a man and said something along the lines of, "Why don't you ask him?"
Well, I actually knew the Adonis guy already. He and I were on the residence hall advisory board together.
I was crushed and FUMING. So, I went straight up to "Adonis" and asked if he had any plans that night. He told me where he was going to be and I said, "great, see you then."
I got all dolled up and met him at the noisy, crowded bar. Barely five minutes into insufferable small talk, he suggests we hook up. And because I'm still feeling the hurt from earlier, I nonchalantly responded, "Sure, let's go." He seemed really surprised, which made me giggle, because, yeah, it's not the most "romantic" or subtle way of going about things XD
Long story, short: we hooked up and it was terrible. He was attractive, sure, but I wouldn't say I was attracted TO him. I barely knew anything about him. Ultimately, we agreed that it was a one-off thing and went about our lives.
I didn't even tell my friend about it. What was the actual victory here? I craved genuine human connection and replaced it with the most boring, impersonal sex I've ever had.
But it took years to learn that what I was actually experiencing was the AroAce spectrum/umbrella. I firmly believed that whirlwind romances and spontaneous sex was what everyone wanted, so for YEARS I threw myself into relationship after relationship. I'd date and realize I hated it, breaking the guy's heart and feeling like there was something evil about me. I put myself in situations where I felt I had the upper hand, and thus, no risk of being rejected. So unhealthy.
So, yeah. Those are some of the experiences and lessons I had to learn to become a more genuine, healthy version of myself. I wish society would stop framing these desires as universal. They can cause so much damage, you know?
Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences! <3
p.s. I ripped the image from this article: https://www.edyoung.com/article/fear-of-rejection. This isn't an endorsement of the article, just giving credit to the author/artist.