r/domesticviolencehelp

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TL;DR: Abusive husband destroyed me and I have nothing to give him but he wants me to stay.

I (44f) am in the process of leaving my abusive husband (45m). Together for 4 years, married for 1.5. The things he’s said and done are unreal and beyond the pale. Still, I tried everything: being super loving, being a good communicator, suggesting therapy (always timidly, and he always vetoed it), doing everything he wanted sexually and asking for nothing in return.

I’m very vulnerable because of a lifetime of abuse before I met him. It didn’t stop him from abusing me too, and the pain and frustration have gotten so bad I was starting to fear for my sanity before I finally decided I was done.

Now (shockingly) he wants to work it out. I told him no. He kept pushing. I told him no again. Then the tears. The promises. The begging. Rinse, repeat. Finally I had to tell him I’d think about it just to get some peace, but that I’m still moving out. I also said (on the advice of a divorce lawyer) that if he gives me a “parting gift” I won’t seek alimony, and he agreed.

What I don’t get is - why? I know abusers want to keep their victims around for their own selfish reasons, but what does he gain from this? I am so destroyed I can‘t cook or clean or work, and I haven’t had sex with him in over a month. He gave me the money, and it was a fair amount. Why doesn’t he cut his losses and find a new victim, one who can’t see through him like I can?

Hi, I’m 21 years old and don’t know where to start. I was about 13 weeks pregnant leaving a bad situation and being homeless. My sister and her boyfriend told me to move in. I grabbed my few belongings, and left in the middle of the night on a 4 hour drive. I have been here for a bit now. My baby is 2 months old now and i can’t get a job because no childcare. I need to make my way back home. I’m not safe here. My baby isn’t safe here. My sister’s boyfriend hurts her all the time and she has no way out. In return, I have no way out either. I really want to go home and get a job. I can figure it all out. I rely on him helping me because he won’t let my sister get a job either. If I could get the money I’d go home and figure it out. I’d need a hotel room for at least a week or so, and the registration on my car paid. My sister told me tonight to save myself and my daughter. I need help. I thought I was safe. I thought she was safe. I trusted him too but being here made him worse. Please can anyone help me in any way? I’m scared. I want to go home please