r/domesticviolencehelp

my ex reached out to me in 2021 and right before this My boyfriend was becoming erratic at home randomly at times throwing my things, mentioned wanting to throw a ceramic plate at me, hurt his puppy, called me crazy, screamed in my face often and belittled my mental health and OCD. He told me I didn’t need to go to the hospital for a bad asthma attack when I didn’t have an inhaler refill and said it’s anxiety and to go the f to sleep. He screamed at me for medical emergencies at other times also saying I should think of our money not go to get help for emergencies. It made me feel unsafe with him. These erratic behaviors started right before I told my bf my ex reached out on Facebook. Before my ex reached out I had told my boyfriend I needed to know if he wanted to get married or not or if he has the same life goals as me so I can make choices for myself whether or not to continue dating and he exploded that day with anger over small things at home..he refused to tell the truth that he never wants to get married (he later finally admitted he doesn’t value marriage or see the point even tho he convinced me to move out of state with him before saying we would get engaged if we over together)..he never proposed and by this point 3 years passed and I wanted the truth how he felt..We are still together..he has yet to propose and at this point I don’t want it or deserve or expect it anyways..almost 9 years with him now..he keeps lying to me still..I also lie tho..but he even said this last December if I go on vacation with some of his family who is horrible to me he plans to have our engagement on the vacation (once again it never happened and his family sucked..)

Even tho I knew it was wrong I started emotionally cheating with my ex. We’ve met up several times also but we have never slept together just other things. ..My ex got married knowing we cheated on our partners on and off for the past few years since 2021. It felt like betrayal..idk how else to explain that kind of pain..and confusion..I’m moving into a 2 bedroom apartment with my bf at the end of August because I’m weak and pathetic and I don’t know how to just break up with him. I thought maybe this can be a gentle letdown after 9 years together instead of being abrupt..

I’m so afraid of all the what ifs. We are living in a one bedroom apartment now and I work from home full time and he drives me absolutely crazy. He was researching some concerning things on his laptop earlier this year that have amped up my anxiety making me feel even more unsafe. I’m afraid to leave him because of how he’s acted in the past when I talked about wanting different things..I don’t love him the same way I used to like I deeply care for him and love him but the love has changed a lot. I stupidly love my ex romantically more than my boyfriend and it’s so wrong and we will never be together…. he chose to get married.. I’m confused because he told me he wasn’t happy with her and to choose if I wanted to be with him again..I was still trying to understand some of his stalking behaviors over the years that made me feel unsure of trusting him and I was reconnecting with him and I guess I didn’t decide fast enough for him and he got married..he’s a bad communicator so I don’t know what happened exactly it’s all confusing..this is all sad and shitty to everyone involved who will be devastated if I tell everyone..my ex asked me not to tell anyone about us..we are very hot and cold talking and not talking at times due to the dynamic..my ex doesn’t know this but we used to share Spotify so I still had his username on Spotify that I followed and I saw his wedding playlist and the songs were about affairs and wishing the woman in the relationship would just leave her man for the guy (the singer)..and music that’s just not appropriate for anyone’s wedding..but if he truly felt like that about me why get married?? Why not tell me he felt that way about me?? He has not said he loves me since the affair started…I’m really being dumb here because I know the statistical odds are he would cheat on me too if we were together..he even got a tattoo last month that he was excited to show me and it was my favorite fruit which he knows but he wouldn’t say why he got the tattoo and was being weird about it..he’s emotionally confusing to me…

if I breakup with my boyfriend it’s going to be to stay single with no intentions to get back with my ex or try to. He’s married and his wife doesn’t deserve this and I really fucked up big time. I feel like the dumbest person alive.

My parents both have cancer and I live hours from my family and have only like one online friend no irl friends. I also had early stage cancer end of 2025 and may have a new type of cancer and I have an appointment in a week to monitor nodules for changes in size and possibly repeat biopsies although they were benign the first time I had them checked a couple months ago..i have nobody I could stay with if I breakup with my boyfriend but I know I have to because I messed up bad. I’m considering telling him about the affair but worried about if he could become erratic..any advice for how to tell him and what to do? I’ve never broken up with anyone and we live together and it’s a 9 year relationship