r/fifthworldproblems

I know everyone says to be all traditional and Instagrammable and carve up d20s, but times have changed, it wastes too much material, and I don't have that kind of time as a busy triple mom! I know d6s are heretical if your grandma is anything like mine, but surely the flavour won't be too affected if I cut them down to d12s?

Long story short I've found myself in an insectoid cafe, but management says my male breasts preclude me from offering creativity coins as payment for my homunculus brewed coffee... I find this to be absurd, and a little archaic.

I mean think about it from the biological perspective... If this were Star System ~X-3.69 in the Hegelian Cluster my bill would have been payed no problem, but nooo I have to sit here and listen to dialects that are not only offensive to my homeworld, but needlessly nihilistically charged.

I don't care if your god-queen consumes the consciousnesses of those who believe in free will... I'm staying... I'm finishing my coffee

so, how long will it be until we just turn into a tub of iridescent space-jello, with neither arms or legs. fucking is achieved telepathically, and that shit is hard......I know, I tried it on some of the best drugs I can get from some guy that lives under the interstate in a broke down station Wagon.

Anyway, my question is, should I stock up on drugs now?

Also if you want to suggest walking backwards I tried that. Just ended up in pre-Caesar Rome instead.

So the Jame hivemind keeps breaking open the barriers to random dimensions, INCLUDING THE ONE I RESIDE IN, and for the past eon, they have just been putting objects of lesser dimensions in my realm and disappearing, and then I need to go through the trouble of disposing of the objects before they tear open a dimensional rift. It's getting really annoying. Anyone have tips on how to repel the James?

People keep telling me I'm supposed to have complaints. Is yogurt a complaint? I think I can buy yogurt at the store. Also, once I get complaints, what do I do with them? Why do people want them so much?

Hello,

I recently encountered an issue. Apparently, I’m supposed to be a head of state. I’m not sure where exactly the state is, or what my duties would be as head of it. I can’t even see or hear or think or eat.

All that I know is that I’m supposed to be a head. Of an alleged state. I am currently subconsciously sleepwalking to that state, to assume the role as head, but I hope I don’t do anything wrong. Also, another thing. I was never created? Like I was the one that created the concept creation so I don’t really exist. Because I created the idea of existing. I’m really very confused. I hope I do okay. Hope everyone is well!

Hello,

Against what should have been my better judgement, today I decided to eat a slime mold I found growing on the underside of my limited edition authentic 1917 model Renault FT complete with fully functional Girod turret. It had been growing there for quite some time and for some reason beckoned me to it.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that slime molds are one of the few organisms that can survive stomach acid, and it actually successfully completed its life cycle within my stomach and began living mutualistically within my mitochondria.

This would be fine, but it inadvertently sent out a quite unfortunately misfolded signal pathway when it attempted to merge with my RNA, and this signal pathway inverted inwards to a lower universe to summon some creature named Maldoror.

The Maldoror has since taken up residence deep within the forests of my small intestine, and since it is infinitesimal it is hard to find. It seems to feed on the friction between the villi that reside there.

Neither the slime mold nor I want him there. He scares the bacteria, which create quite a cantankerous odor that makes it very unpleasant to be around me. When I try to explain the problem to others, my words misfold upon themselves and simply create disturbance. He can’t be reasoned with.

Has anyone found a remedy to flush this miscreant from my system?

I was warming up some food in the microwave yesterday and it stopped working, claiming that I wasn’t respecting its rights as a hard working kitchen device. It demanded equal pay and brought the fridge, toaster and thermostat into its union. I threatened to banish them all to the shadow realm but getting new devices is really expensive during this solar cycle, I’d rather just remove the free will from the ones I already have.

What spells and/or human sacrifices are most useful here? Keeping in mind, I want to reduce their free will, not just bend their desires to my own way of thinking.

I'm alive!!!! Holy crap!!!!

I just wanted to appreciate the texture of baked goods. But the biometric mesh translates carbohydrates directly into sheer, overwhelming physical intimacy. A sip of hot coffee is no longer a beverage; it’s a lingering, heated caress on the back of the neck. Chewing a toasted bagel has become a passionate, sweaty tango that leaves my knees weak. I had to excuse myself from a casual brunch yesterday because the hollandaise sauce made intense eye contact with my central nervous system. I am exhausted, heavily flushed, and technically still starving because I can’t handle the erotic weight of a side salad.

Are you tired of the injustices of the world? Are you running away from debts? Do you want to honor your childhood self's thirst for exploration?

Whatever your reasons, I've got you covered. Change your world, come live in UD3-38119!

---

Hello everyone, I am UD3-38119, a very recently spawned world. Since getting a permission to generate intelligent life takes literally billions of years, I am looking for motivated and adventurous individuals from other worlds to come live here in the next 2-3 months.

The competition in the world-housing market is dreadful right now, both for seekers and sellers, but, being such a young world, I can offer perks that many bigger worlds are unable to sustain. In particular, my strengths are:

• extremely lax laws of physics
• up to 10 spacial dimensions per user
• very little space debris
• no local gods/demiurges/divinities requiring worship
• dark night sky that favors sleep (light hasn't had the time to travel far in the universe yet)
• high receptiveness to user feedback

Additionally, while I currently have only 2 habitable planets (I'll add more once new people move in), each of them has a delicious Kebab place*.

So, what are you waiting for? Come be the first inhabitant of UD3-38119**! I'll be waiting for you with open arms!

See you all very soon!

*Staff not included.

**The first 2 individuals to sign a contract for residence in UD3-38119 will receive in conjunction a full-time job as kebab maker (non-negotiable).

What should i [DATA LOST]

One moment I was minding my own business, and the next, my entire body suffered an undocumented total system purge. No error code, no exit survey, just a quick wet pop and a blank void. Does anyone around here even remember the old me, or did the server automatically overwrite your memories of my face with a generic stock photo of a confident millennial? I haven't even worked up the courage to file a ticket asking if I can get my old VERBOSE=TRUE label back, mostly because the support portal is currently guarded by an enlightened zen garden that keeps aggressively asking me to prove my own non-existence. To make things worse, I think the Thought Enforcement Division is lurking in the gap between my wall and its own shadow. They clearly didn't appreciate the leaked manuscript I published. A second hard delete is definitely on the schedule, so I'm just going to sit here and try to eat my synthetic nutrient paste, which my black-market teleporter "helpfully" gentrified into a lopsided, glowing cylinder of artisanal kale.

P.S. It is a profound, non-Euclidean pleasure to re-occupy the same vibrational plane as your collective consciousness, provided you are not currently a undercover maintenance drone.