r/fifthworldproblems

Hi, I recently built a low budget transmission portal and it's worked well so far, except it isn't properly transporting livers.... like any animal transported through it no longer has a liver. The livers manifest inside the portal's fuel reserves so I've sort of just left them there.

That aside, is this a common issue with DIY transmission portals, and is it something I should look into fixing?

I granted my own wish, so I think I broke something, at least a rule. Sorry!

🙄

It's been hot lately and my flat has been.... Acting odd. My toaster sensed the weather and stated unmaking bread (I now have a toaster caked in uncooked dough flour etc). The vertices on my ceiling flipped, my computer speakers are making chirping noises (🐦‍⬛).

i cAnt feeL my oWn fingers AnYmore, it all Started when the muffin man said hello. i Said hellO back to hiM bEcause i didn'T want to be rude as all He wanted to do was to say hI to me so why Not reply back as opposed to Going away and doing a different thing on my to do list like eat bananas and oranges. i did noT expect Him to give me A firm handshake like we were at a business meeTing because i've never worked a day in my life. Right whEn The small talk we were having was aboUt to conclude due to the aRrival of the traiN, he gave me a peanut bar aS a snack. i ended up not eating the peanut bar because as Much as i would have liked to indulge i remembered i was allergic to peanuts for the first time in mY life. that was weird Because i am nOt actually allergic to peaNuts, i havE been able to eat them juSt fine throughout my life. maybe The muffin man had a peanut allergy and i Obtained it as a result of our relative proximity during our conversation. that is when i thought that this was MaybE noT the most strAnge thing about my circumstances as my right arm had begun to change its state of matter due to its increase in temperature and it created a pooL of arm stuff on the floor.

the rest of my body is melting but my bones stay intact. i can move them just fine. everyone is running away from this sight which makes sense as it must not be what everyone wants to see, someone melting into a pool of unholy flesh while they wait for the train to take them to wherever they need to go. this reminds me of when nobody wanted to choose me for their kickball team even though i could kick the ball just as well as anyone else there could. i also feel for some reason that this has happened before, or maybe this is the first time and it will happen again later, i do not know why as people are usually not known to melt once in their lives let alone twice. i have got to find an answer before the muffin man feels bad for our last interaction having been giving me an unconsumable food item

So... I am a creature of light and a pure ephirium energy. And I really would wanted to visit the earth world. I looked up at what's available and decided that I like raccoon's (through it's weird and againts my traditions) but I still find them.. somewhat adorable.

But when I approached an astral creature more powerful than me that could actually do this, they said they won't make me into a raccoon and that if I will visit earth I will be born human at FIRST!!

What do i do?

So there’s a little girl on the Moon in a spacesuit.

I didn’t really pay attention to her at the time because all she did was floating around, plus, I was in the middle of a conversation, that variant of mine was so serious about it that I thought it would be rude to look somewhere else even once while listening.

However, now that it has been wrapped up for like, 2 months, and my classmates suddenly wanted me to bring them to space, I once again arrived at the Moon and once again saw the little girl in the space suit.

Let’s just call her The Austronaut.

She don’t seem to be able to talk and have little to no awareness of her surroundings. Her spacesuit also emit a wave that blocks her appearance from all satellites and devices, except mine, that might be a clue to her actual purpose.

My classmates also found her fascinating, so they tried all sort of ways to make her notice them, (a wide range of physical interactions and gestures) but the spacesuit seems to receive no outer impact.

In my last attempt to communicate, I used a metal hat with telepathic functions, and it kinda works.

(If it doesn’t work, she would be categorized as a “Dismeaning Occurance”, stuff that exist for no reason whatsoever, this happens to me and other variances a lot more than I expected.)

She only transmit information through images of her imagination, and refused to cooperate later on, so I only received a very limited amount of information.

Trees, bottle of milk, can of beef, strawberries, purple stars, dots on a wall, torch, a forest of giant torches, ice cave, whales, a brown notebook and a glass cube.

My search ended as I lost interest in the subject right after.

In fact, I would still categorize her as a Dismeaning Occurance.

I (???F) have been having trouble getting along with my coworker (31m) ever since I started working here.

Backstory:

I used to be a cosmic entity and was minding my own business a few years(?) back when a time traveler showed up and started getting in the way of my work. Maybe it was a bit impulsive and not the most mature, but I was annoyed and hungry and decided to eat him as punishment for the intrusion. Problem is, time travelers are a bit tricky, and a few of his coworkers managed to bring him back with some sort of paradox. He remembers everything.

Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal, but about a year ago I was forced into a mortal vessel and now work at the same company that he does.

Everyone else here is super nice, all things considered, but this guy will not let it go. I’ve apologized numerous times, but my temper has gotten the best of me a bit and he’s used our arguments as proof that I’m still somehow dangerous. He’s even harassed some of my friends and told them that they deserve to get eaten for hanging out with me.

Things have gotten even more tense this week
We got a work assignment from the time god we work for that requires us to work together as a team. The multiverse is at stake or whatever, and I’m trying to make it work, but there is still this tension that I know is going to get in the way. Is there anything I can do to make up for it? AITAH?

I early 40’s F employ a late 30’s M, we’ll call him Dave, and an early 20’s F, we’ll call her Kami. 

One day I messaged the whole team needing a response. Nobody was at work. Dave and Kami both responded at a very unusual time for them, within 2 minutes of each other. I mentioned to Dave the unusual hour he text me at, and he said he had an alarm wake him up that he didn’t mean to have set. Did it wake them BOTH up??? Were they together?

The gears in my head started turning! And I became OBSESSED!!!

Kami is a newer hire and Dave had been there for a while. Suddenly Dave gets a new job out of nowhere and cuts his hours to only fill in occasionally. Dave has a history with dating coworkers that hasn’t worked in his favor, so I’m wondering if Kami is the reason for this new job. I’m looking and watching for all signs! My obsession grows!!! I must prove something is going on between the two! Why? Because I’m nosey and my life is boring apparently.

He was a smoker. A few months ago I asked in a round about way why he didn’t quit. In so many words he basically said he loved smoking. Then suddenly, out of the blue, he gave it up. Has Kami inspired this change? 

One day he worked his other job and didn’t want to work one of his only remaining shifts the same day, so I gave him the night off. I told him I’d be in (I’m often not on the schedule so they don’t know when I work) since I would be there anyways, I said I could cover him. I mentioned Kami and I could hold down the fort. That’s when I think he realized Kami was also working that night. 

Suddenly he messaged me dramatically with a weird story about personal drama and he wanted to come to work! He had never done anything like that before. Made me realize they prob were NOT dating but I was sure he liked her. I think the earlier messaging at the same time was just a fluke. The theory may have changed but I’m all in at this point. I’m going to prove he’s at least into her and that’s why all the changes and weird behavior.

There are so many signs that he likes this girl! He keeps offering to come in and help whenever she is in, but not when she’s not!! 

His very last scheduled shift was with her. I thought I had removed him from the schedule! He said he worked his other job in the morning but if I modified the time he could still come in. I said I’d be onsite so I could cover and he could have it off or come in, because I had other things to do onsite, so it didn’t matter. He came in, had to be with his love interest, right? 

During that shift I had a third party (not an employee) who was in the building and knows about my theory! They told me Dave and Kami were standing close and whispering to each other on that shift in the employee area. They said that the two seemed to be really cozy!!! 

That’s it!!! I was going to prove it!!!! I spent 30 mins watching CCTV footage of that shift to see if I could see what they were doing in the employee area when they were alone. Was there any slight touching, flirting, laughing, or canoodling???? Maybe it’s one sided! Maybe you can see him paying her a lot of attention. Either way, I WAS going to prove my point. 

That was the most disappointing and slightly embarrassing thing I’ve ever watched (I’m also on the CCTV footage). Nothing about their body language when they were alone said they were dating or he was interested. They barely seemed like even friends at all. She’s on her phone half the time. Barely any smiles from either of them. No joking. Every time they walked past each other there was a lot of space given by both parties. They do stand/sit close a couple times but I could tell it was for training (the third party didn’t know about the training). 

I on the other hand come into the employee area at one point and tell them both a wild story with my arms flailing, face animated, looking like a mad woman. I had no idea I looked like that when I told stories! 

When I originally told the story I didn’t notice it at the time, but in the CCTV footage you can clearly see he’s facing me and smiling and laughing the whole time. My wild weird story got 1,000x more of a reaction out of him than his entire shift with her. Wtf???? Maybe he’s insanely good at hiding it??? I was so disappointed!!! I just didn’t see anything!!!

So not only was I probably wrong about them/him, but I also need to calm down when telling stories because all that happened in trying to prove I was right, is that I realized I look like a nut job when I’m interacting with my employees. 🤦‍♀️ But at least this old lady can entertain my employees with my wild antics! 😂 So there is that!

Now I have nothing to speculate on. He’s pretty much gone. And I’ll never know why he was so obsessed with her when he didn’t show it at all!!!! 

I left my old compound hoping for one with more opportunity, brighter lights, a better view.. I got so tired of looking up and seeing shitty alinstars that look nothing like the real thing. I guess overall things are better.... But this fucking syntrek.. I can't get over it. The bitch only goes 2000 miles per hour. How the fuck does anything get done at this compound? It takes a WHOLE 30 minutes to cross the compound. That's an hour of wasted time EVERY FUCKING day. You know how shitty it is knowing others get to enjoy their entire day while I spend this time stuck in the syntrek???

You know the guy, the guy in there sitting behind the projector booth? The guy who won't shut up, doesn't matter how tired or spaced or focused, he's always yapping though his eyes? Like a really bad non stop dvd commentary. Tips?

We hope you are enjoying your current playthrough of Physical Reality™.

So this woman wants me to commit to fuck her "to the moon and back". I am very eager to oblige, but I have a few questions.

For this calculation let us assume that we do not require space suits or, somehow, we are sharing a space suit and she has no interest in external propulsion provided by a ship, only what I can provide given the "emotion of the motion". Or to keep it even simpler she has some sort of magic powers so that we can exist and "get down" in the vaccume of space (recognizing that down may lose it's meaning up there) without major biological complications. She has already figured out some amazing ways to get the deed done on earth in almost all biomes and weather conditions so I am not to worried about this part.

I am not sure the practically of getting out of earth's orbit simply by fucking, but perhaps an initial ejection method may work? I also don't know if the thrusting mechanics are part of the propultion method she has in mind to reach the moon, or all she has in mind that it is like "laying rail" so a simple "Thrust to distance traveled" calculation may be all that is required?

But my more pressing concern is, how many times are we going to fuck on the way to the moon and back? Can that be achieved in a single human lifetime or am I signing up for a multi lifetime contract to help make this journey happen?

As relates to reincarnation and other metaphysical elements of this equation, she is mixed race and has access from her family to Muslim and Hindu traditions, but some of her family was displaced from near Tibet so they may have access to other ancient Chinese magic I am unsure about as I understand those sciences have been suppressed by recent authorities. However the only concern I can imagine at the moment is her monthly needs, eg having to pause for Ramadan (though she is not a 100% regular on this and if it helps make the math easier we can avoid the bloody minor details of esoteric lunar calendars, I like raw estimates, and she usually insists on them.)

As to extra mass on the fucking journey to the moon: We know we will be having no more children (not going to get into that for HIPAA reasons, but trust me) so don't need to concern yourself with that part of the equation as relates to miraculous new weight expanding the mass calculations unpredictability.

Anyway, I am more interested in the physics and math that we have from real data. R/fifthworldproblems already provided me legal council but they said that mathematics that is likely to apply in this specific frame of reference of Space and Time should be directed here to r/theydidthemath. They had infinite wisdom on their side and said "Fuckin' go for it" but suggested these simple equations should not take an Einstein to figure out.

So as relates to the data I have from our Earth Prime: It helps that I am actually from North America and we can use that as a launch point (unless you advise that the forces involved in say an initial ejection method could be dangerous, in which case her family has offered some area in more remote parts out by the equator in the ocean, specifically about 7° South of the equator.)

All metrics can be used in standard imperial (North American as I said) metrics. For instance my foot is only slightly larger than the standard English foot I've encountered (based on shoe sizes I've had to fit into traveling in the Common Wealth), that is to say 11 and 1/2 inches (29.21 cm) by ruler but often it is hard to find shoes that are wide enough. I don't think that matters but I have read Gulliver's travels so I don't think using the Lilliputian method of estimating all relevant body sizes based on my thumb will work.

I will say I am a bit on the heafty side, so like family guy I may exert my own gravitational field. But she is quite small so it evens out.

So for all necessary measurements let us use Americans and Canadian averages and public data (since obviously only Americans and Canadians have ever been to the moon and back as of 2026). This will also make the results more applicable to others that wish to try to run the experiment.

I assume an orbit is good enough for her, let us not complicate it with landing and another spectacular launch from the moon, though she has said some things about how the moon is "made of honey, honey", i don't want to get into those sticky parts of the equations.

Let's just stick to standard sizes, ratios and other requirements to understand the engineering implications. No need to speculate how other countries (at the moment totally theoretical) designs and standard measurements may approach the problem, if their space agencies and other bodies are even equipped for such a fucking journey.

However as is specific to her and I if our rough body sizes are needed to calculate reaction propulsion via ejecting material, I am 6 feet tall. She is 4 and 1/2 feet. As mentioned we have studied ancient Indian texts on and practiced almost every possible configuration of the two bodies in anticipation of this, but that research was based on hobby level interest into containing the reaction in fun and interesting ways given constraints on Earth. I am open to advice on new morphologies that could be more efficient and provide better thrust given the extra degrees of freedom and long duration of the journey. Since we are essentially eachother's space ships and in space no one can hear you scream I think we should prefer morphologies where I can see her eyes as windows into the soul-ar systems involved in this mission, we read eachothers eyes like HUDs for critical information about how things are going, but our body language is pretty good so we can break eye contact occasionally as needed for critical maneuvers.

As to rates: The most we have ever been able to generate the necessary chemistry and friction was 6 times in one day, but I am getting older (and as I said I am not sure if this will require multiple lifetimes) so feel free to abstract that part out or use typical averages. Like I said, safety first, I have boldly gone to almost all of this space before just using primal human instinct, but not while actually IN SPACE, so want to make sure I get this right with cold Vulcan Logic.

Part of the concern is making sure our signals and couplings are in order for all locations and jurisdictions that may be affected given the length of the journey and how things may have changed by the time we return. At the moment she wears a sindor but does cover her arm tattos which I think is more like a redundant tail N-number (Orbital Vehicle) alpha numeric in case we accidentally touch down in a different location or dimension than we anticipated. I must say when we did some test runs of contact between the two bodies in question the results were out of this word and we didn't have a third party present to verify much of the data. Seemed like there was a lot of missing time (time went by in a flash). But she did say she wants to RETURN to earth, not fucked into Oblivion, so need to account for that. Anyway, before I accept her Nikah (if she chooses to give up the Sindor and use that as a launch signal for permission to go, unless she feels that redundancy is necessary) and I begin my T-minus to countdown I want to make sure the o-ring couplings are all in order and will still be able to be recommitted to after the touchdown ceremony.

Personally I don't think I need to pack anything more than what looks like smart ring on my finger so that telemetry can be sent back to ground control to make sure that heart rates and other biological functions stay within tolerance.

And you know, for fucking science.

It’s been about one Terran year since my last post concerning Lamp Collectors, Over this time I’ve tried many suggested solutions such as Cosmic horrors or installing orbs. Many of these solutions worked until the Old Ones corrupted my mind and made me mentally insane. I never knew that staring into the abyss would trigger such hateful actions from them. Cthulhu in particular was upset over my use of cosmic horrors for decorative lighting. Is there any ways I could smooth things over with them?

Last Tuesday I happened to walk into an active faultline between layers of existence and found myself torn into fundamental particles. I tried to talk to a doctor, but apparently my healthcare doesn't cover acts of 4D Hypergod, any advice?

Everyone dreams of having a superpower at work. I got one: the ability to finish any task instantly.

On Day 1, I was a legend. My manager sent me a report due by Friday. I replied, “Done.” He thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

By Week 2, I had completed the entire team’s backlog, next quarter’s projects, and probably a few tasks that hadn’t even been assigned yet.

By Month 1, I was so bored that I started timing how long it took the office printer to jam. That became the most challenging part of my job.

Soon, meetings became my only source of entertainment. I’d finish all my work in three seconds and then spend two hours listening to people discuss whether a button should be blue or slightly bluer.

Eventually, I begged my manager for a difficult assignment. He gave me the company expense policy to read. For the first time, my superpower failed.

That’s when I realized something important: the real superpower isn’t finishing work instantly—it’s staying awake during a 4 p.m. status meeting.

My true form is being returned to me for defeating my life's spiritual challenge, however I forgot how everything works and the user's manual is really sparse. There is no user's manual.

I'm pretty sure I'm a giant cleaver armed people-eater but I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I shapeshift. I mean I get the general idea but like...do I just go outside and start walking around? Am I eating everyone?!? There doesn't seem to be a limit to the buffet if you know what I mean.

I was hoping the awakening would have a dance party like a rom com. Well - I guess I can still dance.