r/hsvpositivity

Looking for a date for Halloween
I have genital HSV2
I’m in Arcadia, California

How do y’all deal with the depression and internalized disgust?
Logically, I know it’s not a major chronic health issue and that my dx doesn’t limit me; on the contrary infact, it’s expanding my self perception. I just can’t stop crying, dissociating, or being anxious from the moment I wake up yk?
I, 19 FTM NB, contracted ghsv2 back in August from protected sex with 3 new partners. (Neg blood 2x, pos swab 1x) My primary Ob came with uti and bv; IT WAS AWFULLY TRAUMATIC.
I’m just now getting back to feeling safe in the shower. I’m just so bitter and its hard to lay off the emotions despite using art and fitness as an outlet. I feel so lost and violated. Some days are easier, others are harder; it’s been a full month now.
I am fairly attractive and currently dating/sex isn’t a priority for me; but I know down the line I would like to be more involved. I know my status doesn’t mean I should settle for anything short of what I would when I was negative; yet, I keep feeling undesirable and self-deprecating.
I have lots of indignation from being undereducated about HSV specifically as an sti, but I also now understand I could have took every precaution possible and it’s never a 0% risk if you are sexually active.
I just try not to spiral, I actively correct my thoughts, but the emotions persist. I think about it all day long, granted, I do think part of it is ocd; my contamination obsessions have reactivated and I have been trying to reduce my handwashing compulsion. I will walk in and out of the bathroom 3x to wash my hands after the restroom or shower and its so distressing to have ocd bother me so much again, especially being I had mitigated my hypochondria.
The upside I guess is my worst fear is already over and it’s not as bad as I feared ig. Never wanted to get burnt; now I have an incurable sti FOR LIFE from a fucking hookup that means nothing and I don’t know which partner it even was😩

I’m hung up over it bc Ive never dealt w other stis, not even during when I had to do sw to get by; so I genuinely thought I was doing everything “right”
I love myself very much; I feel like I failed to protect me. I’m trying to be patient and kind, it’s so hard.
This dx has “undone” for a lack of better words alot of work I do to make my mind hospitable, my body feel safe, and even deal with shame and sexual liberation from trauma.
I know I am still desirable; but already being trans, a black femme, queer, and alternative the pool was already tight for me. I wonder about how sapphic dating will look going forward and my sex life in general. I was only having casual sex to avoid the emotional labor of potential loss, and now I wish I stayed abstinent or atleast took the risk with someone who was intimate enough to be around after.

I’m also scared of triggering recurrent obs when I go back on Testosterone, so if any of my fellow positive transmascs can give me some reassurance that’d be helpful😞

I understand all the feelings and complexes that resurfaced upon my diagnosis are not new, but the intensity is. Dealing with Hsv2, Ocd, Adhd, Cptsd, autism, scoliosis, ibs, and eczema.
Jesus fuck I was howling like a dog to be put down ts hurt so bad omsss. I am greatful to have my mobility and underwear privileges back; but I still feel like I’m missing out and mourning something that I know truly doesn’t exist. I’m reassured by life everything is fine and infact on its way to being better, but I still FEEL!! I’m not scared I’ll never have romance or sex again; I’m js nervous about how it will look now.
I got frisky with a new guy about a week ago; we didn’t have penetrative sex, but it was so close I js felt the need to lay it out. Once the cat was out the bag he was very empathetic and just as, if not more, touchy than before; which really helped me feel a little more human and out of my ego about it. He wasn’t shy w/ his tongue either🫦
It served as exposure therapy and a reminder to not think negatively about being positive. I think it also eased some of my anxiety about autoinnoculation; despite the fact I haven’t masturbated since my dx, I find self play doesn’t appear as scary anymore. If someone negative can touch and lick me from the rooter to the tooter, I as the carrier def shouldn’t feel shame jerking it.
I know the future is bright and I am BEYOND unshakable bc I got over all the bs before herpes. After I realized it’s kind melodramatic to wanna kms after dx (been dealing w ideation since 8 so its def more than the herp, but I digress) I figure I might as well just shoot to live even more!

All this rambling to ask…Despite my good attitude and coping I still feel guilt, shame, depression, and uncertainty. Is there anything more to do than let time pass?