Me and my wife just got married and now she wants to explore her fantasy like threesome gangbang and all but until we have kids that is what she is saying now my question is it possible that in future this whole relationship might end or we might not be the same again or I started to look at her with disappointment or different way like now o respect her love her but what about afterwards
I am not actively dating right now, but spending this time thinking about lot about what I want. i want to do the work to be ready and be as safe and reliable as I can. I want to have my shit together… and I want to have it together to build a family. but I am not in the relationship I think will bring me that family, and plan to date at some point in the next year to see if that family is even possible. any experience or advice you have will be invaluable.
Im a cis woman (36) with a 13 year relationship with a cis man life partner who is my absolute rock and best friend. we are currently closer than ever and love each other at such a deep level. he is my family, my lover. but we have never really felt right as parents together. i have never been inspired to have kids with him. it just is not us to have kids as a two person couple - he isn’t as enthusiastic about it, and I am fully happy with our relationship being childless.
over the past few years, however, I have been deeply drawn to a feeling of raising kids with another woman. im like a different person entirely around attractive women (cis or trans, usually somewhere with gender fluid or butch to femme expression) - I suddenly want to have kids and a family and do hard stuff with them. and so of course I have this perfect fantasy that I can find someone who would be interested in doing that with me as a hinge - and my current partner being like a supportive uncle. I could see him wanting kids with me if hes around my kids, and so maybe that turns into a kid with him, and a couple kids with this mystery woman.
i know Im extremely new to this idea and at a late stage in parent life (bio clock is winding down a bit!), and so I am trying to just get started thinking about dating - giving it a shot that someone might be that perfect person for me. of course I am excited to also find out what I will need to change to fit them into my life, and that won’t be easy but, if it is good, it could be amazing - right?
I don’t think I’m too naive to imagine someone is out there, because I know I may never find them even if they are. I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years and am always trying to improve - but I know Im also far from perfect and can end up going down the wrong road even if I’m trying not to. so having some community input would be so helpful.
so a few questions:
- has anyone here ever dated explicitly with family building in mind, and if so what did you learn and how did it go? were people open to these kinds of relationships?
- when looking for a partner who is truly invested and wants this type of family structure, what questions should I be asking? how should I be presenting this idea in a way that explains my desires, and circumstances, without closing off some genuine flexibility about how those desires look in practice (e.g. setting some expectations so that the other person is fully informed but also feels safe and fully included in shaping the life we have).
- has anyone built a family like this? and what don’t I know about this kind of life? what should I be reading or learning about to think through logistics, legalities, healthy parenting dynamics, and relationship challenges and generally prepare? I know that if she is bi or pan, it could become a situation where my existing partner and my new partner also fall in love. that could get complicated - we have never been in that type of situation. and how do child care responsibilities discussions go?
- how do you navigate conservative families…? minimizing trauma… but equitably - so no hiding of partners of children etc obviously. is it even possible? my family isnt really part of my current relationship - which is straight passing and looks pretty monogamous to my parents - so that tells me it won’t feel good navigating anything poly and especially queer.
thank you for your thoughts
Do some women genuinely desire having multiple husbands? If yes, what makes them feel that way?
Looking for advice from those who have actually transitioned into poly with an established family
My wife and I have been married for many years and have several children ranging in age from 4 to 17. We have a wonderful marriage, great kids, and are blessed in just about every area of life, including financially. This isn’t coming from dissatisfaction with what we have. We genuinely love our life together.
The idea of poly has been on my mind for almost 20 years.
No matter how many years have passed, it has never completely left my mind. In fact, over the past few years it has weighed on me more heavily than ever.
What I’m struggling with most is that I’m genuinely happy and content with my life as it is. I love my wife. I love our children. I don’t feel like anything is missing. Yet at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been suppressing something that’s deeply rooted in who I am.
The more I’ve studied, the more I feel drawn towards poly. Sometimes it feels like, in order to keep living the easier and more socially accepted life I already have, I’m denying something that has been on my heart for decades. Whether that’s truly a calling or simply something I need to continue wrestling with is part of why I’m here asking for advice.
What continues to draw me is the desire to build a larger family, raise more children, and provide for and care for another spouse. This isn’t about replacing my wife or fixing a broken marriage. Our marriage is strong. If anything, this is something we are trying to discern together because we don’t want to ignore something we believe we may need to explore.
My wife and I have been having open and honest conversations about it. Recently, I’ve gotten to know a woman a little who was raised in a poly family.
We’re not in a relationship with her, nor are we rushing into anything. If we ever moved forward, it would only be with everyone’s full knowledge, consent, and a great deal of discussion.
One of the biggest questions we’re wrestling with is the age difference. She is a legal adult, but she’s roughly half my age. While she grew up in a plural family and understands the lifestyle far better than we do, my wife and I also remember what we were like at 20. Looking back, we thought we had life figured out, but we’ve both grown and matured tremendously over the last 15–20 years. Age is also a major benefit, we could raise another group of kids with her.
So how do you know when someone that age is truly ready for a lifelong commitment like this?
What conversations did you have?
What signs of emotional maturity gave you confidence?
Were there any red flags that, in hindsight, you wish you had paid more attention to?
I’m also curious about the practical side of things.
How did you know it was the right time to move forward?
How did you introduce a potential person to your children, especially when you had children ranging from young kids to teenagers?
At what point did you involve her family?
How did you explain everything to your broader community?
What challenges caught you off guard?
How do I bring it up to my wife’s parents? They live close and are a big part of our lives and I think it would devastate them…
Looking back, what would you tell someone in our position before taking the next step?
We’re active in our community, and we know a decision like this would affect far more than just the adults involved. it would likely push us out of our family or at least any degree of “good standing”.
Our highest priorities are protecting our marriage, loving our children well, and making sure that if we ever move forward, it is done with wisdom, integrity, and genuine care for everyone involved.
I’d especially appreciate hearing from those who have actually lived this lifestyle—not just opinions for or against it, but real experiences, lessons learned, mistakes you made, and things that helped your family succeed. We have far more questions than answers at this point, and we’re genuinely seeking wisdom.
\*\*\*please share any thoughts…. I’m looking to glean ideas from you and direction\*\*\*
Does anyone have a good therapist for polyamory? We were seeing one woman, but she made a nasty comment about my partner’s weight right to their face so we won’t be seeing her anymore.
We’ve tried a couple therapists here in town, but everyone has been a massive letdown. This is an extremely difficult time in my partner and my life’s.
Looking for safe spaces.
I [30NB] don't think I'm really poly and my wife [29 F] is already entagled with other partners.
So I \[30NB\] and my wife \[29 F\] have been poly since the beginning of our relationship, but we have 2 kids and lived a lot of life since then, including both of us unpacking childhood traumas and cutting off both our respective families. When our last baby was born we decided to change our relationship to closed while we were sorting through new baby struggles.
My issue is last January she randomly caught feeling for a work friend that I introduced her. It really messed with me, she just did it, never had a conversation, and she had asked her out before I even had a chance to object. There was a bunch of arguing but my friend ended up not being interested and we don't really talk to her anymore 😕.
She has dated 3 other people this year and everytime I bring up being uncomfortable, that I don't feel like I want to be poly anymore and that she is making me feel like she is shopping for someone else to give her what I can't.
Obviously she has reassued me the whole way but I just can't be happy for my wife dating someone else while I'm home taking care of kids alone.
Last night she wen to spend sometime at her girlfriends house and she never came back home. She called me at midnight to tell me she fell asleep and was going to spend the night. I am so numb I couldn't even cry about it.
TLDR I am so unsure if I should stay and try to change my mind on her dating other people. Or if I should to talk to my wife and ask her to be monogamous? I havent spoken to anyone older than 5 in a month so I could really use some adult perspectives.
My daughter and her fiance came out polyamerous. I am not
mad at them and I do still love them dearly. Always will
I'm just having a difficult time with it. Also because my husband, her bonus dad is having trouble. I don't want a dent in their relationship because she loves him so much. He lives her too but has a very difficult time dealing with things. Not sure what to do. It's their life I know.
(Other than the blanket, "my kid(s) changed everything forever!" because, obviously!)
Specifically hoping to hear from people who were polyamorous before they became parents and then incorporated new partners afterwards, but welcoming of all perspectives.
Background on our budding family: Nesting partner and I (queer, mid-thirties, both poly before we met) are planning marriage and kids in 2027 and quite geeked about it. I'd be overjoyed to eventually welcome co-primaries and/or co-parents (or other committed family partner roles) someday, but no contenders for either of us at present - NP was recently broken up with over clashing parenting hopes and plans with his ex, so the intersection of dating and parenting has been fresh on my mind as I walk through that heartbreak with him.
Based on what I know, I imagine as the gestational partner that as I ramp up, experience, and recover from birthing trauma, and focus on bonding with my child while my body heals from being turned inside out, I won't be motivated for any new connections outside of a protocol-heavy D/S relationship where my sub does all the laundry and dishes. (Haha jk!....unless.... )
But what happens in the space after that, when you step back into building a relationship with someone new? How did you update your dating app profile post-becoming a parent? What did those first few dates or first new partner post-baby feel like? Did you feel like parenting/birthing made you appear less (or more) appealing to prospective partners? Did your type change? Did your own interest in dating change? I am so curious to hear. My poly friends and exes are mostly childfree, and my parent friends are all monogamous, so I don't have images for what this could look like. Thanks in advance!
PS, though I am definitely looking at this from a gestational parent lens in a birthing couple, I am curious about the experiences of diverse parents - non-gestational, step-, adoptive, foster and "uncles/aunts" etc too! How did becoming a parent/caregiver change your dating life?
Edited to remove assigned sex at birth as gender descriptors.
Hello! First time caller. Me (33F) has been in a Poly
Vee dynamic for almost 4yrs with my primary (42F) &
Meta (45F). We are long distance & don’t live altogether yet. I’m in Sacramento & they are in San Jose (2.5hrs away & yes we take turns commuting to one another, even for Hinge Dates or a Family dates with the kiddo)
I’m gonna fast forward to a recent conversation that happened a few weeks ago with my primary. I’m HUGE on communication with everything but trying to get all 3 of us to talk about things has either just been exhausting or very one-sided. I would ask her “Hey when’s *daughter’s name* next game?” Or “when’s her next dance recital?” or “I know her birthday is on this day, lemme know if yalla re having her party on a different date for her so I can make accommodations of coming out!” I’ve only been to her 10th Birthday Party & her Ballet recital last year. Nothing else. Everything else was a family thing we all did (like a concert or a dinner thing or on my 32nd birthday dinner we all did & the rest I did with my primary). When I ask either our hinge or the metal (we do get along btw & we became best friends), I either get nothing for days or a vague answer from my partner saying “She take care of that stuff” or a “I don’t know” from him, which bothers me a lot & he’s aware of how this makes me feel. I’m neurodivergent af so I like NEED details & not vague answers; plus imma big over thinker. Now I never get an answer until the day after or weeks after. I missed her dance recital this year & her volleyball games this year (I didn’t even get to go to her final playoff game). He first tells me that it’s not up to him & he cant make the decisions on those things & then to RECENTLY telling me “Have you ever thought that maybe *daughters name* doesn’t know how to make these choices & still figuring out how she’s feels?” First off, she’s almost 12. I’m not saying forcing her to let me support her but when we first got together, he wanted to me to get involved into her life & I have been wanting to since we’ve been together…now I have to constantly “prove myself” to their daughter & their meta that I can be fully in graved into their lives when it’s almost been 4yrs…. I will be honest; I am exhausted as I have been feeling like I need to prove myself to people for pretty much all my life. No matter what I do, it’s not enough.
I’m in this relationship bc I REALLY want it to work but I don’t wanna have to keep doing this for a possible another 4yrs. Should I just keep trying? Or should I just eventually just leave the Poly Vee? I REALLY need a lot of help here & I honestly don’t know what to do. I still wanna be close to the meta (mainly for her bc I absolutely love her) & I already know it’s gonna hurt the daughter of why I’m not around anymore but I’m just…tired. Pleas & thank you
Hello everyone!
I was on yesterday about my daughter and her fiance. I got a lot of wonderful messages. I do love them both. It's their life. Even if I don't agree with it it's not my life. When my daughter came out as bi sexual when she was a teen I accepted it and my home was always a safe place for her and her lgbtq friends and still is. I would never ever not love them. They are my precious people. And gifts from. God. There were other factors that made me upset which I won't talk about in here. But thank you for all your help. God bless you all.
Hello, mong time lurker for the most part. Ive been in a closed poly relationship (ffm) with a married couple for almost 7 years now. I dont know how else to simplify it so here it is: wife has a kid with an ex. Then got married with our current partner. They had two kids together. Then they met me almost 11 or 12 years later. Weve all been together for 7. I lived with them for a year and moved out due to complications of parenting styles, how we all jumped into everything. Etc. I want to say it was mostly me, going from 0 to 3 kids and learning how to parent and whats acceptable, whats not, and coming from an upbringing that values routine and structure to a home that has no boundaries nor any routine, it just felt overwhelming to me. I was feeling resentment from the messes, the things being taken without asking, etc. Normal things.
I currently now live with my parents, they know about us. All of our families all round doesnt like the poly relationship so it definitely puts a strain on us around the holidailys. But husband and wife wants me to move back in and be completely involved. They even said theyd be happy to have kids with me, which was something i have wanted for as long as i can remember, being a mother. Though being a step mom feels enough for me right now, they are adamant about us living together again. Even the kids want me back in the house. Hearing it from them makes it harder to figure things out.
I want to, but im terrified of the commitment. What they ask isnt unreasonable....but I dont know whats stopping me. Ive been saving my money well, I go over there on the weekends and stay at my parents during the week and frankly some days i love it and other days i wished i was over at their house more. Even got married at Electric Forest by two real official people, but yet somehow it just doesnt feel like a real marriage yet.
I guess what im looking for here is how did any of you decide holidays, when kids were involved or when deciding kids. How was the financial side of it? Ive always been on my own financially even in past relationships (bum ex boyfriends ew) so this is new for me. In my heart i want to jump and go in....but at the same time I seem to catch myself worrying what others feel about it in my own family or if theyd disown me. I guess at the end of the day im worried if im making a big mistake thatll cost me 10 years down the line.
Thanks in advance for any advice or comments or questions. Ill do my best to respond as im a 3rd shifter.
Are there any stories of polygamy involving more than four wives? Or instances where a wife is the one who seeks out another wife?