r/stepdads

I just got out of a four year relationship. I had two stepchildren, a little girl and a little boy. Their dad was still in their life and I always maintained that though I'm not their biological dad it is important they have a good relationship with him. I didn't think the best of him for personal reasons and things in the past, but he was a fantastic dad when he wanted to be and i always wanted to give him the chance. I made it clear to my step kids that I am always here for them and do not view them any differently as if they were my own. We got very close. Things happen and life gets complicated, it didn't work out between me and their mom. We ended things relatively amicably but I have absolutely no rights to these children and might not ever see them again. Losing the relationship is one thing, I can live with that, but my heart is absolutely broken over losing these kids. EDIT FOR TYPOS

So for context my mom is about to marry my stepdad after he proposes, they been together for 3 years. Me and him we never bond like a father-daughter maybe because I left for college and only got to meet him on summer break(which he&I didn’t really stay home from our work schedule) and family trip (around 1 week/year), I only called him by his first name. Well, my mom told me he would like it if I accepted him as a father figure (which I was ok with).

So I’m planning on give them a custom made jewelry my mom a brooch and my stepdad a tie clip, which they will have matching stones. for him I’m planning on simpler designs and I want to engrave something nice on the back, this is where I need an idea cus I think engrave ’dad’ or ‘father’ will be too simple.

My(41M) wife(38F) and stepdaughter(15F) are demanding me to hide/lie/deny that my stepdaughter is dating from her dad(40M) specifically because the boyfriend(15/16M) is black. They are all white and I’m Mexican. I don’t have an issue with her dating any ethnicity, gender, religious identity etc and I disagree with his reasoning but I have implemented the concept of transparency amongst the three of us parents. How am I supposed to ask him to be open and honest to me when I’m not in return? How would you approach this situation?

My stepson whose now 17 bothers me to no end. Ive been his Father since he was 3 and have been Dad all along. His bio father has been mostly out of his life. Recently they've started to reconnect & his dads pompous/wanna be thug attitude has rubbed off on the boy a bit. Although I can tell he still looks to me as his father, everything he does rubs me the wrong way lately and I don't know how to shake it.

Over the last 2 or so years he has been causing small annoying issues like being disrespectful, lazy as all hell, and lacking basic social decency(responding when spoken to, acknowledging guests/family, making a big deal.about doing basic chores). All things that i felt needed to be addressed. Trying to be a Dad and correct this with lectures and discipline drove my wife crazy to the point where our marriage was being affected. So I decided I was going to take a step back and let my wife handle the issues.

This didnt go well & he basically walked all over her. She regrets his early years of life due to his bio father having drug addiction and physical abuse tendencies that he was exposed to. So shes hesitant to correct his shortcomings in fear of damaging her relationship with the boy. But I tried still to stay out of it.

Fast forward to a few months ago. Stepson now has a girlfriend whos at my house all the time. we live in a 2 bd condo so the extra body is unavoidable. I expressed my concern with this along with them being too touchy in front of my Son whos 9. But it fell on deaf ears and i just accepted that nothing was gonna be done about it without causing a war. So i tried to shield my son and try to find peace in the situation. THEN one night around 10pm my wife is getting ready for work, were having a fun conversation and before she leaves i go to check on our 9 year old son (who sleeps on the top bunk of a bunk bed shared with my stepson). The door was closed which was normal. I open the door to find my stepson having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom bunk with my sleeping 9yr old above them and i lost my shit.(which i feel is justified) I kicked them out and the girl has not been allowed back in my house since. My wife talked with him but other than the girl being kicked out there was no real repercussion.

He came to me a few days later and half assed apologized. I kept my composure, told him how incredibly disrespectful that was and gave a short lecture on how horrible that could have been had his little brother witnessed any of it(whether he did or not im still unsure)

Since then I can not stand him. any little thing drives me up a wall. its been months and i cant shake it. I want him gone, i keep telling myself im only going to have to deal with this for one more year until he graduates but who knows if that's really the case, & certainly not a long term solution. Yet still his presence eats at me. Little things are exacerbated because when i look at him all i see is my little sons face between the wooden railing of the top bunk while they fornicated below.

Am i the problem? should i be able to look past this? am i being unreasonable. Obviously im torn if im coming to reddit for advice but please.. somebody weigh in.

So my gf snd i have been together for almost 7 years. Her child is now 14. My gf does not drive, cooks occasionally and I spend all my money providing. The child has been in crises two times now. She is very disrespectful, her mother has zero idea how to parent her. I don’t want to be that guy, but I am an old-fashioned(43) conservative. I do not subscribe to the woke new-age parenting style that 90% of the world adheres to. My parents raised me right, and I did get the belt. I am sorry but I turned out amazing so let’s not go down the woke, don’t spank your kid path because I won’t acknowledge that in the comments. Anyway, the child is a hypochondriac and anything she can google she has. She will change, and manipulate therapists.

Before you call me out…it has been noticed by all doctors, so let us skip any bs about that.

My GF is a good person, but her ex did a number on her, and every time she can’t handle something she drinks. Believe me she has called her kid worse than anything I could ever say mad. I provide everything without question. I work pretty much 24/7 because I am on-call superintendent of maintenance and the property manager of an apartment complex.

Now I already carry massive weight from 8-4, when i come home i do not need to be badgered by whatever those two were fighting about that day.

I am human there is only so much a man can take. I have been told by multiple people they wish they had a man like me so let’s please not go there in the comments either.

All I want is a happy home, with two women who do not disrespect the hard work I do for them 7 days a week. I need advice on what to do because I am about to remove them both from my house.

Thank You

Hi!

I'm a single mom (33f, 1kid 6m)and currently dating a guy (33m) with no pre-existing kids, for about 6 months now.

They haven't met yet.

I really like him but he has absolutely no experience with kids, let alone being in a relationship with kids.

He doesn't mind that I have a kid, he does want kids of his own as well. Which I am not against under the right conditions, as he is aware of and agrees with.

I came here wondering about general experiences of stepdads and how we can let this grow naturally and healthily for everyone involved. (both my kid and myself and my partner)

Do you have tips and opinions that could help us? Things we need to know before taking more serious steps like introducing, potentially moving in, potentially marriage at one point? How can I support him in a stepparent role if it comes to that?

What pointers would you give him?

Need Help!!

My sister in law is the most amazing person. She is 34 years old, has no kids or baggage. Over the past 10 years since I’ve known her, she has been in two relationships that haven’t ended well, and she believes there are no good men out there. This time she’s looking for a more stable, mature man. She ended up meeting a guy who’s 43 with a son who’s 6 years old. They are three months into the relationship, and things are going well between her and her boyfriend. His son is currently 50/50 between him and his ex wife.

I have my concerns with the situation, especially after reading a lot from step parents.

Some more background:
- My sister in law: I wouldn’t consider her overly motherly at this time (that might change if she has kids later). We have an 8 month old, and she won’t change a diaper or babysit.

-She says things like, “I won’t need to parent the child. He (the boyfriend) already does that.”
She thinks that if the child chooses to live with his mom later, she won’t really be a stepmom anymore.

-She wants children, maybe 1 or 2. He’s 43, and I’m concerned he’s just saying he wants more kids because she’s a catch with no baggage and is stringing her along. I’m assuming that by the time they had two children, he’d likely be around 46 and 49.

-He’s only been divorced for about 1.5 years. And I believe she’s best things that’s happened to him in years so he’s pulling out all the stops to make this work. I could imagine the changes of going through divorce and baby.

-He currently lives 1.25 hours away. He mentioned moving closer to her, but that would mean moving farther away from his son. We spend a lot of time together as an extended family, usually once or twice a week. If she stays with him, we’d probably only see her once a month at best. (His family lives even further.

-She’s a very optimistic person and says, “It could end up being great.” I think she’s truly underestimating the work involved in raising your own children, the challenges of being a stepmom (even if it’s only part time), and the value of living close to family.

I plan to show her this thread.

What I’m asking for is both positive and negative experiences. What are the things she really needs to consider? What might she or I be missing?

I just want what’s best for her and want to make sure she’s making an informed decision.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read my post and share your thoughts.

Hi beautiful stepdads,

I really just wanna express my deepest respect for what you are putting up with over months and years.

I've been there. 6 months long. 6 long months. I tried to be this father figure I had in my mind and did my best to follow my heart. I took on the responsibility of being the one taking care of boundaries and structure. I tried to let this stepkid into my heart and probably also did. I had the kid's well-being in my mind and put myself in the second row.

But I just couldn't live like this.

My instincts steamed at me every day: this feels so wrong on a deep level! This is unnatural! This is not my lineage!

At first I put it aside. I tried to "follow my heart" even more, become even more loving and accepting.

F*ck that! The reality was that putting my resources into another man's lineage while always being the fifth wheel on the car felt unbearably castrating to me.

Today I've felt drawn back to this subreddit and I read through all the shared experiences again.

The thought of leaving this relationship caused so many feelings of guilt and betrayal beforehand. But when I finally packed my stuff and drove away I released this big cry of freedom. I'm never going back to this life. I'd rather die alone and without children than feel emasculated for the rest of my life.

Yeah, just wanted to share my story because I see so many stepdads here hesitating and pondering. And here's a story from someone who took the decision and left and he's telling you: it feels like the end of a prison sentence for a crime you did not commit. Yes, the future is uncertain and I have to create a whole new vision. But I am the captain of my ship and I won't let no other man's decision limit my life so drastically.

Never again a single mom. I'm out

Hi, I'm new here but have been married to my wife for a few years now and we were together for a few years before that. We were friends for a long time before we started dating and then we both ended up divorced at the same time and decided to give it a try. I have no bio kids, she has 2 daughters. I've been in their lives since they were 4 and 10. They are now 11 and 17. I love them like they are my own. Their bio dad is barely in the picture. I do everything for them and their mom but often feel excluded. I often feel like it's them 3 and then me looking in from the outside. I've tried talking to my wife about it and she doesn't see the issue. She gets all the i love yous and affection and everything else parents get and I get left to myself a lot. How does everyone deal with that? I know they love me but I still feel left out and alone a lot. I do things with just me and the kids, together and separately, but them and they're mom still make me feel like an outsider when we're all together.