r/u_shattered-skull73

Society puts us all in a box which gives us a narrow mindset from the begging. The more you test the barriers, express yourself, share knowledge and opinions your ridiculed. It's sad there's more people comparing themselves or shaming things they don't understand. This displays toxic behavior and bitterness crippling you even more.

When you are brought up in a cold environment that lacks open mindness, little encouragement, rare affection, open mindedness. You become crippled emotionally and mentally, people pleasing, begging for praise, scared of expressing yourself. Basically you feel the need to preform for others attention in order to be seen an acknowledged.

When you become self aware you become a problem. Your viewed as crazy, a liar, difficult, "emotional", unrealistic. All because they failed to think like you or have an open mind or simply fail to admit they admire your creative thinking, your bravery, your knowledge, your accountability. When you disabled its been more critized.

People get defensive to things they dont understand or simply envy. This creates unspoken tension and passve aggressive anger and jealousy amongst others. If you posses empathy, compassion, confidence, knowledge, open mindedness. You must posses the ability to brave the critism thrown at you ad understand that they lack the knowledge or the courage that your displaying.

#knowyourworth #FaithOverFear #knowledge #ConfidenceIsKey #empathy #mindsetmatters

I carry anger in many ways. Pain, change, grief, betrayal, misunderstood. I've loved people that suck dagers in my back without remorse, my soul bled as by standers carried on. My anger has consumed me, has destroyed me, has hurt me far more than anyone ever could.

Anger is a tug awar between propelling my will to live and survive or completely crashing out and self destruct. Each act I've learned to carefully caculate for I know self destruction and crashing out gets me no where. I bare the scares of such notion this is growth in it's self to break patterns that no longer serve you or simply destroy you.

I've loved people that I've should've walked away from. I've given benefit of the doubt and second chances to people I should've simply just cut the cord. My energy, my love, my time have all been wasted on people that wouldn't fight for my existence. They'd simply bat and eye as if I was to dissapear with in a blink of an eye.

To grieve not only loss of people but my quality of life is the greatest tragedy of all. I step into puddles that have harbored my tears more then spoke of such tidle waves. My anger has not only been a tool of motivation and survival it's been my downfall. Karma is quite the sneak attack I've learned at the most fire striking times to walk away.

For I know if I stay the fire will engulf every existence in it's path and then turn on me. Anger becomes infinitely chaotic at this point. The only color to see is red. We associate danger and terrible things often with the color red. Yet a rose is red... and we label a rose as elegant and beautiful.

Anger is not pretty but given the right motivation it could be. To propel change, motivation, creativity for such pain, such love. Anger has an amazing capability to spark beauty in the depths of its chaos. But only, only if you have the ability to see such capability.

So yes my anger was often love, it was love for who once was that I had or tooka period of space in my life. The one thing I see is if yu don't expirence pain at least once your simply not living at all. Playing it safe and sheltering your existence stunts your growth. You also miss the point of living just like failure you need to experience pain in order to truly live.

#Tragedy #anger #pain #maturity #beauty #emotionalintelligence

Fall in love with my depth of mind not my body. My body changes shape by the day, my words and knowledge hold more weight. Fall in love with my eyes not my face full of makeup. The deep brown holds my soul rather than eraseable paint that hides the soul underneath.

Fall in love with my laughter for at some point it will fade into the shadows and become a distant memory. Fall in love with my heart for my caring ability is unique all on is own despite how many times it has shattered. Fall in love with my ability to remain resilience despite life always torturing my existence.

Admire my strength for I have laid on the cold, dark, soulless ground they call rock bottom. Admire my swiftful ability to turn a shitty situation to blossoming daisies within time. Fall in love with my depth for its my best feature. I've sympathize with the darkest souls and yet remain bright.

My eyes not only hold my soul they hold a story, they hold a story that has details of strength, loss, resilience, faith, fear, most of all heart. I'm a shifting paradox, my memories follow me but the weight of those shackles have faded for those lessons have shaped who I am.

My pain granted me wisdom for without pain life lacks meaning. Ive faced death many times for the fear of the unknown is not foreign to me it's rather familiar. I don't fear death, I simply fear not being good enough. I have potential i just lack the knowledge to use said potential.

There's beauty in small things, small things create the biggest impact. I maybe one person but I feel I have the biggest impact with anyone I meet. Each soul that crosses my path has had a lesson to be taught and a story to told. Each one holds depth each one teaches a lesson.

The catch is do you see the depth, lesson, and beauty within everything? So I say love me for my depth of mind, for I know then that my depth of mind is remembered and that by far reveals my small existence thrives to be the biggest impact.

This is true for we the disabled are treated as a minority and are forced into the shadows. Its like society likes to punish us for the fact we require more attention, more resources, ect. We did not ask to be like this. We are not lazy we are simply not given much of a chance at all to be even remotely functioning, contributing members to society.

Yes, we require certain things as in can only work certain jobs if any, limited hours in order still be able to operate in the world, we require multiple reasons for medical attention in some way, we rely on others for not only support but also guideance and stability.

It literally takes a village to cater to the disabled community. We would all like to be independent in many ways, but the mind and the body we have tend to have limits for us. This in return makes us a some what " burden" to anyone around or entering our lives. Society tends to treat us as if we are a problem a drain on the system if you will.

When in all honesty we did not ask to be poor, we didnt ask for endless medical appointments, surgeries, medications. We did not ask to struggle with daily task as in work, cook, clean, run errands. Society has slapped us with a label. Society has degraded us as a whole, society is the one that gives disability a bad rep.

Society is the one that gave us a cold shoulder, careless government that rather shun us rather than help us. We are human, we do matter, we are unique, we do make a difference for we are the ones that teach society that we are so much more than our conditions, that looks can be deceiving, you should not judge a book by its cover.

We teach society patience, we teach that it doesn't matter the severity of the situation we are still human. We challenge society which fustrates the system, we pour knowledge to narrow minded people who live in a glass box. They see things happening but fail to look into and deep dive in order to educate ones self of the world.

The disabled community gets a bad rep because we show easily how curropt the system by simply being us. When we struggle to require our needs or are horrifically limited each month on resources if thats if given any the systems flaws start to show. This creates distress panic and terror because in all honesty what materials we are given in reality make our well beings worse.

The drinking water, the food products, the medications, the simple materials as in clothes all these things wreck havoc to our already feeble immune systems. The toxins the micro plastics they all play a part in making us sick. So when these issues get addressed we are given solutions that either don't help or are to expensive that we are forced to turn the other cheek.

The disabled community lives in a horrific tragedy of being doubled standard. " we want you to get better." Oh wait if they reach peak mobility and clear mental state then we lose money." " you can work but with these given regulations and hours." " we have to let you go because you are not meeting our requirements." " Oh we provide you funding for this." " Oh no we don't do that here."

Statistically speaking approximately 50% to over 60% of disabled people are homeless and thats in the U.S that's shockingly rating that, that's over two and a half times higher than the general population. MORE THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION!!!!

Disability is not the problem SOCIETY IS THE PROBLEM, THE SYSTEM IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!

#youhaveavoice #BeYourOwnHero #selfadvocate #advocate #disabled #poverty #FailedSystem #WeMatter #youhaveavoice

Days like this are the hardest to comprehend. The gloss over eyes, the slurring of words, the stumbling around when I walk as if I'm a drunk party girl, the delayed response verbal and non, the thought process is basically non existent. These days the rain clouds form and follow my every confused aimless move.

The self awareness has magically disappeared within thin air. I stumble to form sentences to the point I'd make a nun proud with the long vows of silence I take. Then there's the moments I stand or sit blankly watching a stationary object endlessly. These moments either sadden me or completely throw me in a panic in some form.

Within these thoughtless moments I also suffer from the brain and body connection failing to co-exist with one another. These are the days that the " pick the cup up" struggle hits me. I ended up standing or sitting depending upon the action leading up to such brain buffering. If im sitting These episodes range 30 minutes to several hours. If I'm standing I'm trying my hardest to throw some action response to send my body the message to move.

If I'm standing when said episode occurs its 20 minutes or less give or take. If we are being truly honest in reality these bits and pieces normally occur throughout my day to day. Sadly they are overlooked and I somehow can manage to muster a "quick mask" to play it off as a minor rather than a major issue. But tragically the "quick mask" doesn't always swoop in to save my dignity.

In all honesty these types of days where I short circuit constantly or suffer in the silence and even in the paralyzed state. These are the scary domining effects of not learing limits and constantly " quick masking" more than I should.

My lovely suggestion tib bit: you see me do any of the following:

1.) Blankly stare into space ( even while talking)

2.) Randomly burst into tears, anger, irritation

3.) Stumble constantly when I walk

4.) Sit for long periods when the social ques say move this also goes for standing.

5.) Seeing me fight sleep and constantly nodding off.

6.) Seeing me accidently slobber all over myself while talking.

7.) Taking a very long time to answer to something example: where do you want to eat? What do you want to eat? Then also recieve the blank stare and the response of I don't know.

These are contributing factors to my brain injury, my hydrocephlaus, my chiari malformation, my neuro fatigue. When you encounter me suffering through these factors please encourage me to go rest or let me sit there in silence till I connect with reality.

These episodes appear sporadically and uncontrollably. I can be normal funcutioning and suddenly.... BAM!!! I'm stuck in seven curicuts of hell trying to muster up the ability to get myself home and safely to my bed if possible. These episodes have hit me while going to the store or going to a friend's house.

There's been moments my mother has driven me home and I've sat myself in the car for hours on end not moving. Tragically one time this instance occurred during a summer day. I sat in a blazing hot vehicle for hours dripping sweat, head beating like my pulse kind of headache still refusing to move.

I endless try to fight with every mental strength I got just to move. The times its been a countless and repeatedly on end struggle telling myself to move is when the panic and the screaming then the bawling start. The moment I start crying and or screaming is when I some how painfully manage to connect my mental and physical state.

There's been times I've not only struggled to move it's been also to talk and also to process thoughts. That dark gray rain cloud the follows my every move boy I tell you if it rains it absolutely pours. These factors make my life be thrown in some type of turmoil. These are the points I look lazy, insane, or completely hostile.

When I stated that my life is like Russian roulette I literally mean these days. I scare people when I have to leave the store randomly in anger because my decsion making is obsolete. I scare the ones around me when I randomly burst into to tears because I wanted to say something but nothing was coming out, so the only way to get it out was to start bawling in pure terror.

There's been times I've had conversations with my mom or friends and I've instantly gone silent mid sentence. I've had to be driven home while suffering an endless laughter episode which then turned into bawling half way home because I realized I was tired and running on fumes.

I'm 24 and there's moments I refuse to acknowledge that I'm tired and need sleep more than the average person. I'm trying to pursue a purpose while suffering in a chronically ill disabled body with limits. Everyday it's a constant battle between health and ambition and I'm currently suffering greatly.

I'm thrown in not only a system that is forced poverty but also a reality where im critized profusely. There's times the suicidal idealations roar loudly to the point I hide behind loved ones or sleep to avoid further action. The reason for the idealations to occur for me is simply to be misunderstood and overlooked while expected to survive on what limited recoruces are given to me.

If someone were to out right ask me my purpose in life depending on the day I have three responses.

1.) I don't know

2.) To help people

3.) To make a change within not only a broken system but also a broken, judgemental, hypocondriact society.

I tell my story and bare my scars for my story is to pave the way to change and move mountains. I pray that it sheds light to people with invisible disabilities and so much more. I know I matter, I know I struggle but I'll tell you if I'm gonna struggle I damn sure am gonna give it a purpose. I'm not suffering out loud nor in silence just for nothing I'll be damned to let it be for nothing.

#disabled #hydrocephalus #chiarimalformation #spinabifida #neurologicaldisorder #hydrocephaluswarrior #chiariwarrior #advocateforyourself #youhaveavoice #tbisurvivor #WeMatter #findingpurpose