u/shattered-skull73

Society puts us all in a box which gives us a narrow mindset from the begging. The more you test the barriers, express yourself, share knowledge and opinions your ridiculed. It's sad there's more people comparing themselves or shaming things they don't understand. This displays toxic behavior and bitterness crippling you even more.

When you are brought up in a cold environment that lacks open mindness, little encouragement, rare affection, open mindedness. You become crippled emotionally and mentally, people pleasing, begging for praise, scared of expressing yourself. Basically you feel the need to preform for others attention in order to be seen an acknowledged.

When you become self aware you become a problem. Your viewed as crazy, a liar, difficult, "emotional", unrealistic. All because they failed to think like you or have an open mind or simply fail to admit they admire your creative thinking, your bravery, your knowledge, your accountability. When you disabled its been more critized.

People get defensive to things they dont understand or simply envy. This creates unspoken tension and passve aggressive anger and jealousy amongst others. If you posses empathy, compassion, confidence, knowledge, open mindedness. You must posses the ability to brave the critism thrown at you ad understand that they lack the knowledge or the courage that your displaying.

#knowyourworth #FaithOverFear #knowledge #ConfidenceIsKey #empathy #mindsetmatters

Life is full of condrictions for I lose my self in between who I am, who I was, and how im trying to become. The level of grace, patience, understanding, strength, grit, self awareness that it takes to be me is truly unique. I paid every blood sweat and tear to be who I am today.

The devastating part of my story is not only the amount of loss I have suffered through but the amount of acceptance I have for things. For I learn to accept things for as they are not what I imagine them to be. I learned a long time ago imagination without self control is a dangerous game.

When imagination lacks self control the mind tend to spiral this leaves you consumed not only in what if's but false realities. Imagination is a beautiful tool to creativity but in all honesty if you lack the foundation to control the boundaries of said tool you destroy yourself, you destroy your hope, your peace, your sanity for this shakes your structure of expectation.

The danger within getting consumed in false reality is you not only lose who you are but you live a total life you create without warning. This falls under the category of addiction it's as if your chasing a high that you get from said false reality you created.

When you chase this high you lose sense of reality totally. You slip in this tunnel vision where red flags fly over your head and you over look them, toxic signs that were so black and white were horrifically justified. You do this because your brain failed to let you consciously accept reality for what it is. When you finally wake up to true reality not your made up version you become haunted for the disgusting behavior and things you failed to realize.

This shows how easy one idea can swiftly become your downfall. The human being has a strong sense to display denial when they chose to only strongly see what they want to see and believe what they want to. This is simply base on lacking not only logic and maturity but also self control and composer. Boundaries are mostly non existent when you crave for a specific alternate reality.

Acceptance is like a harsh critic to your hopefulliness to piece your made up reality together. This destroys your friendships, your family connections and simply alienates you for you self isolate to avoid critism involving your reality. This cripples you even more making you fall more under the spell of disaster.

When you face the music you become not only disgusted but stunned. You have a hard time not only adjusting to real reality but also realizing what you've done and why. When you become self aware you also learn to take responsibility for your actions past and present. This is where picking up the pieces is not pretty, you strongly become bewildered in your thought processes and question everything.

This healing process from alternate to real is a major jump mentally. This stunts your emotions, thought processing, and most of all logic. You seem to notice your stuck or have been stuck in one setting and have failed to grow as a person. You stunted your growth and capabilities being consumed in your made up reality.

The term of " your always in your own little world." Has its advantages and disadvantages. Some use this as an escape to avoid certain responsibilities, some use this as a defense mechanism to avoid conflict and toxic people that would later cause tragic levels of ptsd.

It's all in how the world you create effects you, whats the reason behind you creating such reality? That's what needs to be asked. What actions and events led you to create such a world for yourself? What patterns and social ques fuled this fire to prolong this reality? What triggered the start of it all?

False realities cripple relationships, they stunt your maturity and growth. You simply level yourself to be narrow minded and fail to see the bigger picture. This scatters the processing mechanism in the brain shutting it down. You slowly become numb and shut the world out totally for this drains your energy, it drains your soul.

So when using imagination always remember... you need logic, reality, maturity, and most of all self control.

#madeupreality #selfcontrol #reality #accountability #acceptance #selfawareness #imagination

This is true for we the disabled are treated as a minority and are forced into the shadows. Its like society likes to punish us for the fact we require more attention, more resources, ect. We did not ask to be like this. We are not lazy we are simply not given much of a chance at all to be even remotely functioning, contributing members to society.

Yes, we require certain things as in can only work certain jobs if any, limited hours in order still be able to operate in the world, we require multiple reasons for medical attention in some way, we rely on others for not only support but also guideance and stability.

It literally takes a village to cater to the disabled community. We would all like to be independent in many ways, but the mind and the body we have tend to have limits for us. This in return makes us a some what " burden" to anyone around or entering our lives. Society tends to treat us as if we are a problem a drain on the system if you will.

When in all honesty we did not ask to be poor, we didnt ask for endless medical appointments, surgeries, medications. We did not ask to struggle with daily task as in work, cook, clean, run errands. Society has slapped us with a label. Society has degraded us as a whole, society is the one that gives disability a bad rep.

Society is the one that gave us a cold shoulder, careless government that rather shun us rather than help us. We are human, we do matter, we are unique, we do make a difference for we are the ones that teach society that we are so much more than our conditions, that looks can be deceiving, you should not judge a book by its cover.

We teach society patience, we teach that it doesn't matter the severity of the situation we are still human. We challenge society which fustrates the system, we pour knowledge to narrow minded people who live in a glass box. They see things happening but fail to look into and deep dive in order to educate ones self of the world.

The disabled community gets a bad rep because we show easily how curropt the system by simply being us. When we struggle to require our needs or are horrifically limited each month on resources if thats if given any the systems flaws start to show. This creates distress panic and terror because in all honesty what materials we are given in reality make our well beings worse.

The drinking water, the food products, the medications, the simple materials as in clothes all these things wreck havoc to our already feeble immune systems. The toxins the micro plastics they all play a part in making us sick. So when these issues get addressed we are given solutions that either don't help or are to expensive that we are forced to turn the other cheek.

The disabled community lives in a horrific tragedy of being doubled standard. " we want you to get better." Oh wait if they reach peak mobility and clear mental state then we lose money." " you can work but with these given regulations and hours." " we have to let you go because you are not meeting our requirements." " Oh we provide you funding for this." " Oh no we don't do that here."

Statistically speaking approximately 50% to over 60% of disabled people are homeless and thats in the U.S that's shockingly rating that, that's over two and a half times higher than the general population. MORE THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION!!!!

Disability is not the problem SOCIETY IS THE PROBLEM, THE SYSTEM IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!

#youhaveavoice #BeYourOwnHero #selfadvocate #advocate #disabled #poverty #FailedSystem #WeMatter #youhaveavoice

Everyones perception is different. Some see beauty some see tragedy. Each veiw is different by desgin, this is where each thought is unique within itself. The beauty in each vision is its potential to change its initial form.

The tragedy in each vision is the start or ending point, this shows that even though one started small it had the chance to blossom into something completely different. The end result is to start put together then have the domining effect of being broke from one simple action.

What's not discussed is these symbolized a significant message. There's beauty either way whether your broken or look small. Each one holds meaning for we only see what we allow ourselves to see. We lack the open mindedness to look beyond one view.

The broken vase symbolizes the form of self criticism. We are our own worse critics limiting our potential, down playing our abilities, holding ourselves back in fears of failing. The negative talks in the mirror, wearing baggy clothes to hide the fact you don't feel pretty enough. Looking in the mirror and suffering from body dysmorphia, the pressure of not being where everyone else is in life.

All this play a role in breaking us piece by piece, why? Because we allow ourselves to think certain ways about ourselves, we base our life off of others. " comparison is the theif of joy." In reality each person is different so each milestone is different. If god made us the same the world would horrifically lack the color that is has today.

The body dysmorphia is a phobia that was planted in a growing mind. This was critism from a hurt person that effected you in a way you dislike how you look and lack proper perception. I'd like to think this is a form or hypontism, I say that from the perspective of you replayed said critism on your mind on repeat there for creating a convincing state that shifted your vision for your reality you made your mind think your bodys too big or too small than it initially is.

In today's world we are fed false allusion that play on our reality. We watch everyone get married, have babies, travel the world, ect. These all effect us in small ways negative or positive. One thing that is felt is the sense of we are behind in life. When in reality we lack the knowledge of the story that lead to such marriage or children. We fail to realize just because we see smiling faces does mean they had a plan, are happy, or haven't struggled before said points.

" comparison is the theif of joy." When we compare ourselves to people we open a door to resentment and discomfort. These play a role in negative behavior which then make us appear bitter. For we made ourselves unhappy and depressed comparing our lives to different people.

The starting small to something beautiful is simply a view few have. We see something small and fail to see it potential to be something completely different. This is where pessimist and optimistic play a role in who you are as a person. The caterpillar may be small and ugly but just because its appears that way doesn't mean it can't change into a big beautiful butterfly.

One things for certain is things appear different from what they seem. Always have an open mind, never compare yourself to anyone else, you are worthy, you are beautiful, you are destined for greatness.

#perceptionvsreality #perception #wisdom #thingsarenotalwayswhattheyseem #changeisbeautiful #brokenisbeautiful #beyourownkindofbeautiful

Fall in love with my depth of mind not my body. My body changes shape by the day, my words and knowledge hold more weight. Fall in love with my eyes not my face full of makeup. The deep brown holds my soul rather than eraseable paint that hides the soul underneath.

Fall in love with my laughter for at some point it will fade into the shadows and become a distant memory. Fall in love with my heart for my caring ability is unique all on is own despite how many times it has shattered. Fall in love with my ability to remain resilience despite life always torturing my existence.

Admire my strength for I have laid on the cold, dark, soulless ground they call rock bottom. Admire my swiftful ability to turn a shitty situation to blossoming daisies within time. Fall in love with my depth for its my best feature. I've sympathize with the darkest souls and yet remain bright.

My eyes not only hold my soul they hold a story, they hold a story that has details of strength, loss, resilience, faith, fear, most of all heart. I'm a shifting paradox, my memories follow me but the weight of those shackles have faded for those lessons have shaped who I am.

My pain granted me wisdom for without pain life lacks meaning. Ive faced death many times for the fear of the unknown is not foreign to me it's rather familiar. I don't fear death, I simply fear not being good enough. I have potential i just lack the knowledge to use said potential.

There's beauty in small things, small things create the biggest impact. I maybe one person but I feel I have the biggest impact with anyone I meet. Each soul that crosses my path has had a lesson to be taught and a story to told. Each one holds depth each one teaches a lesson.

The catch is do you see the depth, lesson, and beauty within everything? So I say love me for my depth of mind, for I know then that my depth of mind is remembered and that by far reveals my small existence thrives to be the biggest impact.

I carry anger in many ways. Pain, change, grief, betrayal, misunderstood. I've loved people that suck dagers in my back without remorse, my soul bled as by standers carried on. My anger has consumed me, has destroyed me, has hurt me far more than anyone ever could.

Anger is a tug awar between propelling my will to live and survive or completely crashing out and self destruct. Each act I've learned to carefully caculate for I know self destruction and crashing out gets me no where. I bare the scares of such notion this is growth in it's self to break patterns that no longer serve you or simply destroy you.

I've loved people that I've should've walked away from. I've given benefit of the doubt and second chances to people I should've simply just cut the cord. My energy, my love, my time have all been wasted on people that wouldn't fight for my existence. They'd simply bat and eye as if I was to dissapear with in a blink of an eye.

To grieve not only loss of people but my quality of life is the greatest tragedy of all. I step into puddles that have harbored my tears more then spoke of such tidle waves. My anger has not only been a tool of motivation and survival it's been my downfall. Karma is quite the sneak attack I've learned at the most fire striking times to walk away.

For I know if I stay the fire will engulf every existence in it's path and then turn on me. Anger becomes infinitely chaotic at this point. The only color to see is red. We associate danger and terrible things often with the color red. Yet a rose is red... and we label a rose as elegant and beautiful.

Anger is not pretty but given the right motivation it could be. To propel change, motivation, creativity for such pain, such love. Anger has an amazing capability to spark beauty in the depths of its chaos. But only, only if you have the ability to see such capability.

So yes my anger was often love, it was love for who once was that I had or tooka period of space in my life. The one thing I see is if yu don't expirence pain at least once your simply not living at all. Playing it safe and sheltering your existence stunts your growth. You also miss the point of living just like failure you need to experience pain in order to truly live.

#Tragedy #anger #pain #maturity #beauty #emotionalintelligence

Screams pour out of my lungs coated in sorrow and blood. My tears flood my shirt and pour from my eyes. My eyes burden the sadness, the sting of the pain. My lungs feel as if they are suffocating for I struggle to talk, to breathe. My minds racing thoughts become so jumbled I lose consciousness and my touch with reality.

Sadly this is grief.... grief sneaks up on you without warning. I'd like to place it in the same category as comparison " a theif of joy." Grief harshly, painful, unwillingly changes your reality. This profound sense of loss leaves a gaint hole where your heart should be. The stages of grief are like a hawk dive bombing its prey from up above.

Grief lingers, it follows especially when you think you've healed. Sure, after awhile the sting fades as times passes by. This makes the tragedy far less overwhelming. Grief roars at its peak, it swoops in taking everything that is love or taken for granted away. The concept of loss is hard for the mind to really process in some way.

The mind fails to truly deal with the tragedy that occurred to create said loss. The flowers, the funreal, the urn, the burial. The eviction notice, the diagnosis. These are the hardest emotions, the hardest choices to make. No ones fully prepared to face such tragedy despite the plans that maybe set in place.

To miss a love ones touch, voice, laughter. To miss a pets purr, bark, cuddles, love. To deal with the rules of life, society is a harsh reality to pray to wake up from. These are the things we miss most or wish time stood still and a time machine existed to fix everything. Grief is endless amounts of sorrow, little bits of anger, flooding amount of tears.

This is one of the many things we give pain a flip meaning. We say pain is beauty, without pain there was no love, without pain there is no strength. All these concept create a type of coping for anyone willing to listen. Some people write because most fail to listen. This is where all the beautiful poets of the world make everlasting impact.

A poet has the magnificent ability to turn their pain in to beautifully worded poems. Each words holds weight in a captivating light for the reader to breathe in. Grief maybe a gloomy dark cloud but its what you do with the grief that matters.

Some make art, some develope inspiration to spread knowledge and awareness, some become motivated to change their whole life. Grief may linger but its always a reminder that you've love, you've now been blessed with multiple perspectives to life. Grief is sadness, it is pain. Grief is wisdom it is strength.

#grief #Loss #pain

I was born into a world full of pain, judgments, and ignorance. I was born to perfect the ability to walk on eggshells for each step was a careful calculated solution to avoid conflict. I was born to test waters, to study each individual that ever crossed my path. For I may be mental delayed but there's more to me than what meets the eye.

I studied people's behavior since day one for that's how I detrimined everything. This was the moments I would try to find a safe place to ask for anything I needed. These were the puvitol points in shaping who I am and what ive been through. Ive watched all walks of life come and go, ive watch some rise, I've watched some fall.

I can tell by someone's body language, tone, behavior on how they are effected. I've become so good at it at times I floor people with what flies out my mouth. Reading people didn't come naturally it was taught to me through fear and heartache. I can tell by foot steps, the shutting of the door on how the people around me felt.

There's times i've crumbled and become to consumed in my own emotions I've tragically missed red flags. My emotions have terribly clouded my judgement and my abilities that I've fell into tragic situations. The older I get the more I study and tragically the more the light fades from my eyes.

I've come to the profound sense the world is a dark place more so than I ever thought. Now every person I meet I study with the mindset of what hidden agenda do you posses, what trauma do you posses so I know what ques to watch in order to either help you or bail out because your using it for leverage. I've now simply been blessed to look at everything and everyone with two views.

This has created severe isolation and devastation for I have come to realize just like me people aren't what they seem. Where before I would give benefit of the doubt I now strongly address. I've learned either people take accountability and change or stay stuck in a victim jugemental, bitter mantality. Do I display traits of bitterness?

Yes, I posses traits of bitterness for I deal with a complex sense of life. I deal with chronic illness, health declining, judgements, critisim, lack of knowledge, lack of somewhat support, treated like a burden, tried like a problem, so yes I display traits of bitterness. Its very exhausting trying to stay alive in a society always ignoring and crippling you I in some way.

I've just learned and am still learning to be my head strong, loud, strong, no filter self for my atheisticity was built from hardship and pain. Judgments although frustrating don't really phase me, criticism.. ok you try dealing with my pain i can tell you the hospital would have a room personally suited for you. I say that not to be cocky but genuine heart. I've been born with this pain it's been my constant.

I've had brain surgery many times, one time they screwed up my pain meds I had nothing in my system for three days and two nights. I've had menstrual cramps that were so severe ive passed out from the pain. I've given myself a clumsy concussion and also went unchecked. Ive had arms, legs, toes, fingers bleed and totally never noticed.

I've accidently burised my ribs and walked it off. I've cussed a nurse out and had the feeling of my brain falling out my skull all at the same as yelling at her to give me my meds that she was with holding from me. I've scared the nurses because I wanted to go home so bad. One night I said I want to go home to my night nurse.

She told me that I can't go home till I walk with my physical therapist who I refused to do squat for the day before. She also said I needed to have a bowel movement as well but pain meds prevented that. I went midnight to 10:30am with no pain meds. I got up walked down the hall around the corner up three down three stairs back around corner down the hall and sat back down on my bed. I then told them nurses give my meds and discharge me.

They looked at me white as a ghost, the day before I just sat up and stood to only lay back down. Pain for a chronic ill person maybe constant but our mind has given us the ability to march on. I can talk to you and carry on a conversation while my shunt is stinging strongly.

The only things I can not bare are the chiari attacks, some migraines, and some hip and shoulder issues depending on the day. Everyones pain is valid but it's what you do with that pain that makes a difference. Are you gonna acknowledge others or are you passing judgment because you neglect to acknowledge your own?

Go into everyones situation with an open mind and seek clarity to see their view or the truth. Don't ever judge a book by its cover, just because it posses flowers doesn't mean it don't have thorns. Everyone is worthy of love it's just trust them not to pull the trigger at the weapon you trust them with. Pain shapes a warrior, pain creates character.

Look for beauty in everything, take accountability even if its hard, acknowledge things you find hard to see. Those characteristics are more bound to make you blossom in life.

#knowledge #hydrocephalus #chiarimalformation #selfadvocate #invisibledisability #SpreadAwarenessNotFear #chronicpain #pain #youareworthyofgreatness

Days like this are the hardest to comprehend. The gloss over eyes, the slurring of words, the stumbling around when I walk as if I'm a drunk party girl, the delayed response verbal and non, the thought process is basically non existent. These days the rain clouds form and follow my every confused aimless move.

The self awareness has magically disappeared within thin air. I stumble to form sentences to the point I'd make a nun proud with the long vows of silence I take. Then there's the moments I stand or sit blankly watching a stationary object endlessly. These moments either sadden me or completely throw me in a panic in some form.

Within these thoughtless moments I also suffer from the brain and body connection failing to co-exist with one another. These are the days that the " pick the cup up" struggle hits me. I ended up standing or sitting depending upon the action leading up to such brain buffering. If im sitting These episodes range 30 minutes to several hours. If I'm standing I'm trying my hardest to throw some action response to send my body the message to move.

If I'm standing when said episode occurs its 20 minutes or less give or take. If we are being truly honest in reality these bits and pieces normally occur throughout my day to day. Sadly they are overlooked and I somehow can manage to muster a "quick mask" to play it off as a minor rather than a major issue. But tragically the "quick mask" doesn't always swoop in to save my dignity.

In all honesty these types of days where I short circuit constantly or suffer in the silence and even in the paralyzed state. These are the scary domining effects of not learing limits and constantly " quick masking" more than I should.

My lovely suggestion tib bit: you see me do any of the following:

1.) Blankly stare into space ( even while talking)

2.) Randomly burst into tears, anger, irritation

3.) Stumble constantly when I walk

4.) Sit for long periods when the social ques say move this also goes for standing.

5.) Seeing me fight sleep and constantly nodding off.

6.) Seeing me accidently slobber all over myself while talking.

7.) Taking a very long time to answer to something example: where do you want to eat? What do you want to eat? Then also recieve the blank stare and the response of I don't know.

These are contributing factors to my brain injury, my hydrocephlaus, my chiari malformation, my neuro fatigue. When you encounter me suffering through these factors please encourage me to go rest or let me sit there in silence till I connect with reality.

These episodes appear sporadically and uncontrollably. I can be normal funcutioning and suddenly.... BAM!!! I'm stuck in seven curicuts of hell trying to muster up the ability to get myself home and safely to my bed if possible. These episodes have hit me while going to the store or going to a friend's house.

There's been moments my mother has driven me home and I've sat myself in the car for hours on end not moving. Tragically one time this instance occurred during a summer day. I sat in a blazing hot vehicle for hours dripping sweat, head beating like my pulse kind of headache still refusing to move.

I endless try to fight with every mental strength I got just to move. The times its been a countless and repeatedly on end struggle telling myself to move is when the panic and the screaming then the bawling start. The moment I start crying and or screaming is when I some how painfully manage to connect my mental and physical state.

There's been times I've not only struggled to move it's been also to talk and also to process thoughts. That dark gray rain cloud the follows my every move boy I tell you if it rains it absolutely pours. These factors make my life be thrown in some type of turmoil. These are the points I look lazy, insane, or completely hostile.

When I stated that my life is like Russian roulette I literally mean these days. I scare people when I have to leave the store randomly in anger because my decsion making is obsolete. I scare the ones around me when I randomly burst into to tears because I wanted to say something but nothing was coming out, so the only way to get it out was to start bawling in pure terror.

There's been times I've had conversations with my mom or friends and I've instantly gone silent mid sentence. I've had to be driven home while suffering an endless laughter episode which then turned into bawling half way home because I realized I was tired and running on fumes.

I'm 24 and there's moments I refuse to acknowledge that I'm tired and need sleep more than the average person. I'm trying to pursue a purpose while suffering in a chronically ill disabled body with limits. Everyday it's a constant battle between health and ambition and I'm currently suffering greatly.

I'm thrown in not only a system that is forced poverty but also a reality where im critized profusely. There's times the suicidal idealations roar loudly to the point I hide behind loved ones or sleep to avoid further action. The reason for the idealations to occur for me is simply to be misunderstood and overlooked while expected to survive on what limited recoruces are given to me.

If someone were to out right ask me my purpose in life depending on the day I have three responses.

1.) I don't know

2.) To help people

3.) To make a change within not only a broken system but also a broken, judgemental, hypocondriact society.

I tell my story and bare my scars for my story is to pave the way to change and move mountains. I pray that it sheds light to people with invisible disabilities and so much more. I know I matter, I know I struggle but I'll tell you if I'm gonna struggle I damn sure am gonna give it a purpose. I'm not suffering out loud nor in silence just for nothing I'll be damned to let it be for nothing.

#disabled #hydrocephalus #chiarimalformation #spinabifida #neurologicaldisorder #hydrocephaluswarrior #chiariwarrior #advocateforyourself #youhaveavoice #tbisurvivor #WeMatter #findingpurpose