u/-self-explorer

Day 8 after my relapse and I'm really struggling with cravings and urges... Meanwhile I'm reminded why I don't want to give in as I've been witnessing my buddy from afar as he loses his mind from psychosis more and more everyday :(
Fuck stims man. I just feel so depressed and can't stop eating It's so much worse than what I was going through before. (from DOC Vy & Dex to relapsing; trying meth instead) Went to an NA meeting and stayed longer at the end to connect with people. Got a phone number from someone who seems like they could be a healthy contact. Going to keep going back, I think I've found my home group.

day 6: After a recent relapse I am still trying to get back on track but last night I had some pretty dark dreams. I only tried meth once(3x in 2 days-my relapse); but my DOC was prescribed pills. Yet my dream ... Was meth. That shit is powerful it's scary. After 10+ years of ADHD meds nothing came close to that and yet I didn't even like it that much if it makes sense. And the psychosis symptoms showed up almost the very next night. I must've really messed up my brain right?

Anyway still clean and will hit up my next NA meeting. I'm afraid with my eating disorder struggles though these outpatient services may not be enough right now.

I broke down and told a stranger about my relapse (outreach worker)outside of a crisis center yesterday too. Still scared.

I'm so scared of myself right now. I have every reason to be sober but I used/saught out meth for first time the other day and have been cleaning my house for 2 days straight.

Triggers: my mom's still dying. Yes of heart failure, the stupid irony. My eating disorder, HER eating disorder triggering mine. My life's falling apart and I just destroyed the one good thing I had going, my sobriety.

Go to a meeting right. I'm scared of everything right now plus everyone needs me and I'm just letting them all down. Ugh I hate my excuses. I wish I could go impatient honestly but again, I'm always at hospital all day with my dying mom... and then I go do this to myself. I'm sorry to this sub I feel I let some ppl down.

Alright give it to me guys, let me have the hard truth. I'm ready to meet up with the guy who got me this and gift it back. I'm so scared. My poor brain has been working so hard to recover from med abuse and now I do this .

I was dependable! I was calm and confident! I was there for my family and I actually helped! I wasn't paranoid or socially anxious. I wasn't worried about how I smelled or my eyes. I was just available and then actually PRESENT!! Thank you to this sub you guys helped me stay THC free another day and wow did it ever help. Day 53 down. 💪