u/10mLSalineFlush

God I am so fucking embarrassed. Just because we hung out a lot and played games with each other while talking about life until 4 am, I thought he somehow had held me in a rose tinted light. I WAS WRONG. I feel like one of those entitled people that think just because you're friends with someone of the opposite gender it means they're in love with you or something. I mean who am I to even hope to be loved and adored in the first place? I haven't done anything special. I am a mess. At 23 I dropped out of school and I am a complete social

Omg I haven't even met him in person even though we met through a mutual friend who I did use to know actually in person.

I am absolutely deluded. If shame was visual, I would be slathered with it. Ohhhh to just not exist anymore. I just want to dissolve into micro atomic particles and disappear.

I just want the smell of orange flavored gum to be the smell of orange flavored gum. Tangy sweet and crinkles your nose a little from the perceived sour taste. The kind your friends would give you a handful tantrum if you didn’t want to share a piece. Not the heavy sticky weight the memories associated with it brings.

Along with everything else. I want to love and be loved without ever wondering if I deserved it at all. I want to spent close one on one time with a friend without predicting the end to our time. I want to be curious. I want to keep promises. I want to wake up early go to the gym, wave hello to my neighbors, have small talk with coworkers and maybe even going on an all nighter to bars and clubs on a Friday night.

The past is behind me so why does my body insist on holding on? So many mundane normalcy is locked behind a certain progress in my healing that I don’t ever know if I will be able to achieve it.

When someone asks me “How are you?” I want to say “I’m fine” and genuinely 100% mean it. But i have vented about the same childhood same events same scenarios to my friends over and over and over again to the point they just know what is heavy on my mind. But they’re tired. I’m tired.

“Why don’t you ever let it go so you can enjoy what’s in front of you?”

It’s not that I don’t want to. I really do. I just never learned how to be happy with what I have. Or who I am.

I (23F) work full time hybrid. Today I worked from home and since there was so much happening left and right I just wanted to eat my comfort food that I hadn't had in literal years. Which is McDonalds. 10 pc chicken nuggets, Mcchicken, McDouble (no onions, no pickle, added tomatoes and shredded lettuce) and I decided to even spice it up with something I didnt normally order: small french friends and medium size Diet Dr. Pepper. Amazing. The food took 15 minutes to arrive which I got to enjoy during my lunch break delightfully so.

Here's the issue. My mom is the antichrist when it comes to fast/ processed food and she would rather blow my head clean off rather than catch me spending $25 dollars on what she believes is the ultimate sin sent from Lucifer himself to damn those that did not have the self discipline and will in their souls to defy the devil. I mean, she's right. But I just really wanted to have a quick dopamine spike after a nuclear bomb of cortisol swarming my nervous system. I'm not a strong person. If I was, I wouldn't be on reddit complaining about a minor inconvenient thing that happened to me that just happened to ruin my entire week. I wouldn't even be in the situation I was in in the first place.

So, my mom did not know I had eaten Mcdonalds. She did not know I had taken my lunch to go pick it up and gulp it down. Because, she wasn't home. In the advantage of her absence, I lavished in the taboo bestowed to me by Ronald McDonald. I even had enough time to clean up after myself and dispose of the evidence in the public lobby trashcan without anyone ever finding out that I had ordered takeout. Perfect plan. I go back to work like nothing happened, my mom comes home and my day continues as normal. That is until she innocuously asked:

"Have you eaten today?"

Fuck, I can't say yes because the leftovers in the kitchen are untouched as well as the ingredients in the fridge so there's no way she will believe I ate what was at home already. If I say no, then I would be lying and she would definitely would want me to eat. But I am so full I feel like I could explode and at least 45% of my biomass would be whatever my stomach acid failed to breakdown from the components of the sin I committed earlier.

To lie or not to lie? If I told the truth, I would have to admit that I went back on my promise of eating healthier just to soothe the stress caused from work instead of like yoga or something. If I lied, then I would have to pretend to eat something so my mom isn't worried that I am not hitting my nutrient intake for the day. Then she would 100% want me to eat more. To lie or not to lie to lie or not to lie to lie or-

"No", my mouth slipped. Yet my eyes remained glued to the monitor. I did not want her to steal a glimpse into my soul and know my darkest heaviest guilt of the week.

She replied, "Well you have to eat something. I will heat up the leftovers." "Thank you mom."

2 minutes pass and she drops the heated chicken vegetable soup with steamed buns at my desk. I start eating.

I wasn't eating out of need, I wasn't eating out of happiness or comfort, I was just for eating because my grown ass couldnt fucking just say yeah I fucking ordered McDonalds. Holy fuck I just need to OBLITERATE my existence FOREVER.

I spent the next 3 hours writhing in discomfort and pain from bloating gas and everything ass.

Did I mention today is mothers day? I ordered some gifts for my mom and they haven't even arrived. Estimated delivery date is Monday. I can't do anything right.

you either get fetishized by freaks who dont give a fuck about how youre doing or you have stupid ass teenagers that idolize you and wanna appear more mentally ill than you while everyone irl just avoids you lets you to rot and you have your family members tell you to get over it and that you need to learn to let things go. i am in constant suffering. i dont want pity i dont want anyone to "fix" me i just want to be able to be treated like a normal fucking human being who sometimes also has issues that need a little more patience and understanding than usual.

the disgusting pigs that only selectively go for mentally vulnerable young girls, they don't want to be loved they want to be worshiped. they want to plant a seed in their brains that says "no one else will accept you more than me no one else will understand you and tolerate you like i do so you have to devote your body and mind to me and give me what i want". they do it not because they are kind or generous. they are insecure and want some self gratification. they sicken me. people who exploit others sicken me. the fact i can't do anything about it sickens me.