Dealing with discouragement as junior lawyers
The last time I posted on here, I was utterly frustrated. I had a Hearing go all the way wrong despite taking all weekend to prepare for it, and even got a dressing down from the Judge.
Despite being discouraged, I took this as a lesson. I prepared adequately for all my matters, always consulted my seniors before making decisions and even took a more in depth into legal research and took it upon myself to refresh my memory on the law, as well as learning new things.
The matter was coming up for further hearing today. I adequately prepared myself and the witnesses. I even wrote down the exam questions in advance, just to keep myself on track. I think i did so much better because the Judge only stopped me once on the relevance of a question ( she didn't think it was relevant, but i thought and still think it was) she then proceeded to question me on the law rglegarding this question. I knew the answers, but was quite tensed from the previous hearing going horribly and also from being put on the spot. I was able to stammer the answers out.
There was an issue from an Application we wanted heard, which I missed. I unfortunately had to withdraw the same. I was so disappointed in myself because I thought i went through the document thoroughly before filing it, but it seems I just keep making mistakes.
Counsel for the state kept laughing at me the entire time the hearing was ongoing bc my witness wasn't properly articulate ( though he was competent, English isn't his first language and we had to use a translator who was confused for the most part) which really frustrated the Judge and I,and I was really trying to maintain composure and regain control of the situation.
Regardless, the hearing ended, and as state counsel was leaving, I saw her give me a smirk and laugh quietly as she drove by. This is what really got to me.
I'm always beating myself up when things go wrong, and sometimes it question if I'm in the right career path. Doubting yourself is one thing, but being ridiculed by colleagues and Court staff present is another.
I keep pushing myself to do better, to be more sharp, learned and confident. But im alwsys discouraged it's like my efforts bear little to no fruit. I'm scared my colleagues probably think im a scatterbrain or just dumb.
I want to keep pushing on but sometimes i just get so discouraged. The stakes are constantly high. I don't want to mess up a case and mess up someone's life and ruin my reputation too. Im constantly stressed from fear of things going wrong and feeling like an imposter, despite doing well in law school.