u/1tz_Iris

God all I wanna do is kill myself

I do almost every sin

Lust

Greed

Gluttony

Pride

Sloth

Envy

Wrath

I'm so tired I sometimes beg god just to take me as I don't get why I'm here I feel so empty and tired

It's almost as if a empty glass that cracked

I had tried to find my other half

But most people want more of a body then a soul

It's pitiful truly

All I want in life is to feel that warmth I felt

I felt it when I was walking back home oneday from the house my mom was dog sitting at

When I had walked down the steps a lil dogs tounge had greeted me as it's owner was walking it it was so excited to see me even though I'm a stranger I pet it it felt so warm

That day was so bright beautiful

And wonderful

Somedays I wonder how others must feel to miss such beauty as I'm inside almost daily

I always believed being on your device takes away from so much beauty of nature that's sacred

That's why I wish I respected and loved myself more

That's why I guess deep down I wish I actually saw myself as a human instead of a sinful monster I really do dislike it sometimes

This version of myself is so empty a well that's dried up

I remember I always used to be positive and bounce back now I'm just a mess and tired

I wish I could smoke and do something to drown how I feel but my god could I write so many poems of how depressed I am

I also sometimes believe I have other people inside me as I blank out or zone out or lose balance sometimes or often

It's rather tiring lol

Now why I'm here if anyone has advice or a way to get out of this or something or relates? Eh lmk

Might as well reedits a pretty neat place sometimes

Well to start hello hello um I've come here just to vent and sorry for my English honestly not always the best at spelling

So I have been mostly isolated for 2 years

I've seen family irl ofc but otherwise I have no real friends I

Online I do have friends I speak to

I've mostly had a mask on pretending to be social and active and such but

I hate whenever a friend will compliment me saying I have for example a "good mindset" yet they won't even put any effort In the friendship I mean

A few days ago someone I was speaking to i kinda asked if they could try in conversations more and they said "I'm just being myself" or something along those lines that I'm unsure if I genuinely like being the one to put effort

It's like I feel like I'm the only one putting effort in lately

I put effort in my friendships or I try to and like? It shouldn't be this hard honestly I'm pretty introverted but fuck I'm tired and don't particularly want to be here in this situation anymore lol I just want peace

I still have to do studies and such I have a.. project I really wanna do for myself but honestly

Idrk if it's even worth it? Like starting it

Another fact about me I always look or ask for permission or validation I hate it so much

Because I shouldn't need to get people around me their approval to be who I wanna be or do what I wanna ofc

I get yk asking for permission but I mean for basic things like

"Does this colour look good?" Like for example I was making some art I really like yet I go to others for like to see if it's good or not it's like I can't just enjoy something for myself I hate it

So much so frickin much I'm not a people pleaser I'd say as I don't bother to try and please my friends and loved ones but my my it feels like I am when I put my emotions or how I should feel on people around me, words when really none of it even matters

I mean I'm only here for so long in this life does it really even matter I won't know most of them in a year or two I suspect due to eventually wanting to cut off everything from this stupid meaningless chapter for me

It just feels depressing that I've been in the same environment I despise the same cycles I hate for years I say

Well this is the end I suppose for my vent as rn im just tired and yes I will be alive