completely overwhelmed
please help. i just finished junior year so im at the most crucial time for college apps, and ive been so overwhelmed; for weeks i haven’t been able to fall asleep at night because my mind is racing.
i have good stats (1580 SAT) and am doing a lot already (cancer research with nyu langone professor, other research, published papers, hospital volunteering, clinical shadowing, etc etc) but i feel like its never enough. i want to go to stanford, but ill also be applying to bs/md programs. and it all just seems like im nowhere near good enough or doing enough.
but a lot of it is still up in the air and uncertain - the paper i’m publishing may take longer, the professor may refuse to write my rec letter, etc. i just - god, thinking about it is making me panic.
and getting into college is only the first step - then med school, residency, huge debts, my prospects just are so overwhelming. i know it sounds stupid and people always say it’s just college or whatever that i’ll figure it out, but i feel so out of control. it’s like there’s so much to do and so, so, so, so much uncertainty around Everything. there’s so much uncertainty and places i could go wrong or steps i could miss.
and i don’t have any idea of what “trying my best” looks like. people tell me it’s fine as long as i try my best, but what is that exactly? did i try my best studying for a test if i got 8 hours of sleep the night before? maybe i could’ve spent 2 of those hours studying more? or maybe i could’ve studied instead of socializing during lunch? or?
i don’t know. does anyone else understand what i mean? if this makes sense? i just feel so horrible. my parents aren’t even really pressuring me to go to an ivy or anything, it’s more that people expect me to go to a good school because they think im smart and capable. i’d rather not prove them wrong, but, well.
this feeling of being overwhelmed - i just constantly, CONSTANTLY feel like there’s a panic attack barely being suppressed and i can’t breathe when i think about any of this. but i can’t avoid it, because i have to do it eventually. all of it. i dont even know what it all is yet.
i dont know. can anyone offer anything at all - advice, similar feelings, anything? please.