u/222clean

worked so hard and prayed so hard and hoped so hard and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. i really thought i had this one.

i know it’ll be okay, and congrats to everyone who got in.

but jesus christ, this is depressing. i tried not to but i couldn’t stop imagining my life there. i put off opening the email all day, because i still wanted to live in a world where i thought it might be a YES.

my only options now are going back to my old school, or picking something that comes with a guaranteed mountain of debt.

still a few more to hear from. we’ll see. but i don’t feel hopeful.

been doing okay and increasingly happy with my progress. over halfway to my goal weight. i’m grateful.

but now it’s the first time i’ve made it up to 2.4, and it was around the last dose of 1.7 that the problems started.

before, when i was still figuring things out, i would eat my usual portions and get to be uncomfortably full. i had to learn how to increasingly shrink and shrink what i ate. but i started to learn the difference between hungry and full enough.

then, randomly, and im sorry if this is gross: i got these horrible burps one day (which i looked up immediately on here and found out were sulphur burps) matched with awful nausea. that first day, for the first time in ever, i puked up everything i had eaten and continued to dry heave for the rest of the night.

i thought it was a one time thing, maybe something i ate, until it happened again a week later after visiting a friend. i had to have them pull over on the highway so i could lose my only meal of the day. both times, i’d had dairy so i assumed it was that. and made a mental note about the amount of any food i was physically capable of eating now.

then, yesterday, i had a cup of hot water with horny and lemon for breakfast (getting over a cold). i’d made a PB & J, too, but was suddenly overcome with food aversion and couldn’t eat it. i had it later for dinner, and because i knew i hadn’t eaten much, a few bits and things from the fridge. and from the moment i swallowed the last bite, i was fighting back nausea so bad it made me dizzy. i felt the same as i did the previous times, fighting back another episode of puking. this time, i really wanted to keep my food down. so i spent the rest of the day chewing ice chips and laying around immobilized.

so now it feels clear to me: as of upping my dose, there is no NOT FULL and FULL. there’s NOT FULL and SICK TO MY STOMACH.

i know this maybe means i should go back down, and i’ll talk to my doctor about it. i’m just frustrated. and sick of feeling sick randomly. why am i reacting like this now and not before? what can i do to adjust, besides eating next to nothing every day? is this just how it’s gonna be?

Just like the title says.

I got into NYU Tisch, TNS Lang, Emerson, some CUNYs. And I’m so grateful. Solid choices, and would be a dream, but I want that specific top 25 so badly. Only problem, decision deadlines for these other schools come way before that number one choice is even supposed to reach out with an answer.

I’m holding out hope that I’m gonna get good news but is it me being stupid if I let these options expire? Makes me feel like Top 25 is a pipe dream and I’m gambling with my future.

Also: is it just a transfer thing to give us such little time to decide??

For example, I got into TNS in early April, with a decision deadline of May 1st (got an extension to the 15th, thank God). But they were my first acceptance and I didn’t end up hearing anything from any other schools until super late April. Even worse, got into Tisch on May 1st. But have to give them an answer by May 6th. Five days? WTF??? Is it just to apply pressure, or because of limited space (probably)?

Really frustrating added stressor.

i (21F) know this medication takes time to work, i know it works differently for everybody, i know it’s about what you eat as much as it is about how you eat, and i know it’s a very much wait and see situation.

but i just wanted to jot my thoughts down, put them somewhere because i really don’t have anyone to talk about this journey with irl. wondered if anyone could offer some advice, similar feelings, or just some affirmation about my progress?

i started at 0.5mg last year january, stayed on and consistently titrated up for six months. i was 20 years old, 250+ lbs at 5’6”. i have PCOS, and diabetes runs in my family, so i wanted to make a change before it was too late. in that six months i lost just shy of maybe 15 pounds. i knew it wasn’t much and i’d read about being a “slow loser” but i was just so happy to see that number on the scale go down for the first time maybe ever.

i had to stop (at 1.7mg) around june because of an unexpected insurance change made it so i could no longer afford the meds. and within the next six months, i basically gained all the weight back.

thankfully, i got the chance to start up again this january at 1.0mg and will move up to 2.4 this week, where i’ll stay. in these past four months i’ve lost 30 pounds and some change.

i literally could not tell you what or if i’ve done anything different. i guess i do listen to my body more, acknowledge and react accordingly when it’s telling me it’s full. it definitely took me longer than expected to break that habit of finishing my plate, eating until it’s gone.

honestly it just feels good to keep seeing that number drop.

but lately, i can’t stop thinking about how much further i have left to go. i used to think dropping twenty pounds would make me rail thin (exaggerating). now, thirty pounds down, it feels like a drop in the bucket. i don’t look different, my clothes fit the same, and i’ve got no more or less energy than i used to.

i feel good, and motivated to lock in and keep it up. grateful to have made it to the higher dose after that insurance mess. but there’s still that tiny, discouraging thought at the back of my head saying, “you’re so far from your goal. you’ll never get there. is it even worth it?”

i’m also hyper aware of how… important this is to me? i’ve worked really hard to be okay with who i am, what my body looks like. and very conscious of that effort, the concessions i’ve made. but i’m not sure how i feel about kind of “admitting” that deep down, yeah, i’ve really wanted to be/look skinnier. idk. that’s a conversation for my therapist, i guess.

i wish i’d been taking progress pictures from the start. i’ll definitely get on it this month. maybe that’s what i need to see/feel the difference.

general stats…

SW: 256lbs ; CW: 225lbs ; GW: 180lbs (a girl can dream)