u/28k_mars

so this is my first proper experience with grief. at first i was really cold about it, i was brushing it off like it was nothing and i refused to talk about it or show my feelings about it. but as soon as i was home alone, it all started coming to me. i can’t get over the idea that im never going to see him ever again. he’s been with me for such a big part of my life and i’m so heartbroken that something like this has just happened to me. i watched him have a seizure yesterday too, and i was so frozen and i just couldn’t do anything. my grandma knew what to do as she has experienced this with him before, so at least she dealt with it okay. but in the midst of it all, i cant believe he’s really gone.

i hate myself for turning my head away from the opportunity of getting to say my goodbyes, but i was just too much of a coward to show my emotions. and i feel so guilty for that. he loved me so much, and i love him too; but i couldn’t even say goodbye. i feel so horrible for that. i’ve been non stop lamenting all day, and i don’t know if i can ever overcome this. ever. if anyone has any advice whether it be small or the biggest load of advice anyone has ever given, please feel free to reach out. i really need help and i have no idea how im ever going to come to terms with the fact that he’s actually dead.