Ya, I'm pissed. My wife died from necrotizing fascists. Only 250 people or so die from that every year in the US. Compare that to 40,000 who die from car crashes. Or 805,000 who die each year from a heart attack, or 626,000 who die from cancer. It's not fair. This is bullshit that I have to go on alone. Fuck the odds, I got screwed. My wife got screwed.
I just joined patreon and I am down the rabbit hole of Friday Fun Shows. Best shit ever. I love seeing the guys just hanging out. I have missed out.
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I work and live at a 2-star motel that leaves the light on. My job is to run the motel when my GM has to leave property for an extended period of time. We are 90 minutes away from 1 major city and 4 hours away from 2 others. So when my boss has to make trips to any of these places, I get called in. They also call me in if they just want a night out. It's part time with some long hours when I do work, but I don't pay rent or have many bills so it evens out.
This weekend, my boss had to go out of town. So that means 17-hour days for me. I get to sleep the last few hours before the morning guy comes on. Anyway, our busy season isn't until after Memorial Day. We are in a town on a river and people flock to the river and nearby casinos during the summer. We sell out a lot of weekends. But not usually the first weekend in May.
But that's what I did this weekend, I hustled my tush off and sold out the whole weekend without any incidents. This weekend has gone smooth. I'm extremely proud of myself for how I've handled everything, and all I want to do is text my wife and tell her how good this feels.
How I wouldn't be able to do things like this without her. She helped form so much of the man I am today. Her belief in me at all times, whether it be in other endeavors or this one, Karen always had faith in me.
I was not on a good path through my 20's. I was a thief, a liar, and a drunk. Not a good combo. But she changed me. Not by trying to change me, but by being my rock and partner in this crazy world. With her, I wanted to make the next right choice for the right reason.
That's why she'd be so proud of me right now. Coming from the path I was on to now being trusted to run a business, still blows my mind. I see myself as that crappy guy back in my 20's, but Karen never saw me that way.
So I miss texting her tonight because I know she would be proud of me. Not just for this weekend, but for the man I am today.
I turn 47 tomorrow and that could have me in my feelings a little bit. I'm having dinner with a friend and then a little gambling. Nothing crazy, I'm too old for crazy.
Yes, there are many times I am angry, sad, or any one of the emotions I've encountered over the past year plus since I lost her.
But today I am grateful. Grateful that I did have that time with my wife and we spent those wonderful 17 years together. I'm grateful for her helping shape the man I have become and will continue to try to make her proud by being that man.
I just wish I could tell her about it.