u/2scared2letany1cme

Apologies if this doesnt belong here. Its a very confusing situation. I am in the process of questioning and talking to my therapist about possible DID/maybe OSDD. I became aware something was happening and began communicating to my parts and trying to work with them. And there is a lot of things that i dont know. Anyway, the point of saying that is, whenever i try to masturbate lately, there is pushback and fear. And i dissociate. I try really hard to listen but there are times when admittedly i just dont want to. I never had to not do something that ive always done before without asking myself first. But proceeding anyway makes me feel guilty. Like i am traumatizing or r*ping this scared alter. And i think i just do not know how to negotiate at all. I know this must be a skill to learn, everyone is always saying that if there is conflict you have to always talk and listen to your alters and negotiate and meet in the middle. But then what? How do you get to that middle. I know the why but i dont know the how. I think in general i dont know how to handle conflict, or how to communicate, let alone with myself. and its so frustrating. Thank you for any help.

One day i woke up and realized my family is cruel. I am disabled and i cant work or drive. For a year i lived in agony as i recontextualized my entire childhood. And i became hopelessly dependent on weed to even survive day to day. But then i started having flashbacks of horrible horrible things. And i dont know if its true. But if it is true, its not safe to be here. At least more so than it already was. And realizing i may have been a system this entire time. I feel like i have been knocked out with a baseball bat and woken up chained up in a room i dont recognize. I cant avoid these people forever but i cant move out. All i want to do is learn to cope and maybe even forget that i know these things so i can survive and not feel like dying every single day. And then maybe i will silently move out and never talk to any of these people again. I dont know how i will survive because all i want to do is hide but i also have to be an adult. And i am very scared. I do not want to call anyone or get anyone in trouble because i do not know for sure that anything happened and i do not have proof, plus i am dependent on these people for survival. I will be homeless if something were to happen.