u/314doorXD

I realise that I'm in denial and straight up coping with my unsatisfaction in life. Yet I say to myself that I quit, and by that I mean I don't buy nicotine products. The fact that I'm poor actually helps, since it isn't rare that I physically can't afford buying a pack.

But my brain gets around this limitation, and I fucking hate this. The provide a bit of context, I've been smoking for 2 years now and my prefered method were the cigs and at a certain period zyns. Previously I did them occasionaly and socially but with time it got worse. Nowadays I keep catching myself actively searching for packs on the streets, and to my untfortune I find them from time to time. I like walking at night, but I hate the fact that I think about nicotine every single time.

The reason that I even decided to write this post in the first place is what happened today. So today I found a full pack of heets (special cigs for IQOS) just lying there and me being me I LIGHT THEM UP LIKE A NORMAL CIGS. Some peak degeneracy right here. It got me buzzed ofc, but also irretated my lugs and made me feel like the stupidest person on earth.

Previosly I was coping with weed, which I found to be the "local optimum" and helped me stay away from nicotine, but ever since I got prescription meds I can't smoke it no more which brought this whole internal psychological warfare about nicotine back.

I don't want to reach out to nobody, and keep it a secret. But damm... What all judging internet has to say about this

Its a pointless post, the type of "old man yelling at clouds". Really I just want to get this of my chest and get validated. To give a bit of background, I'm living in Austria for almost 4 years, and have developed quite weird relationship with this language as the whole. So last year I was pushing strong to complete the B2, specifically ÖSD. My first time I failed both parts (perhaps it was natural to fail the first time) and I did it again, this time passing Sprechen. For which I was glad.

However there was this one part, that just like cancer ruined each and every attempt. Schreiben, I noticed that this was always my weak side, at for this final attempt I did 2 weeks ago I prapered HARD. Talking like 1 months, I was writing and correcting my mistakes every day. I looked at structure and Mustertexte, learned the advanced vocab - all the advice that should secure me a passing grade. Even Gemini was rating my text as well written and above the passing grade.

So the exam date rolls around. After strong daily preparations, being 600 Euros deep innit and genuinly from what I believed was a good attempt I yielded 13 out of 30 points. Recieving that Ergebnissermitlung felt trainwracking. I'm piss broke, and failing an exam is big deal for me, not even mentioning all the lost effort. I generally just want give up and accept that I'm illiterate bum, not touching a single hand book ever again. The worst parf is that my Hören and Lesen actually improved, even so I barely even touched them focusing mainly on Schreiben.

To sum it up, old man is yelling at clouds and mentally checking out because of writing. But this is just me sharing my expirience..