Recovery tip: Rebuilding safety
As someone who "recovered" from CPTSD (largely asymptomatic and overall calm and joyful), I wanted to drop my two cents here, because I do not see this take often mentioned.
I think a lot of people, including therapists, are focused on CPTSD as "what happened to you". But I think CPTSD is actually not about "what happened to you" but "what happened, and keeps happening AFTER that".
I want to make the distinction: CPTSD to me is not "a wound". It is a "wound not being treated". *CPTSD isn't the trauma.* It is the break in social bonding and nuanced meaning that occurs when trauma processing isn't -profoundly- supported by those around us. It is the loss of trust in friendships, family and institutions that burns a deep sense of unsafety in our brains: "if no one is here for me, then the world isn't safe. If the world isn't safe, then I would rather dissociate and/or lock away my vulnerability and capacity for presence and joy until it is safe again." PTSD & CPTSD are the alienation.
CPTSD isn't just "flashbacks": Flashbacks are violents, but they are unique opportunities to integrate the past. What maintains the cycle of flashbacks is the lack of healthy, supportive and empathetic witnessing when those occur. Flashbacks become a source of disempowerment and shame, instead of empowering the survivor for speaking their truth.
Being grounded, present, open, is incredibly vulnerable. It means reconnecting the link between our hearts and the world. The grounding experience, after months or even years in dissociative trance can be absolutely shocking in itself, feeling like suddenly waking up or escaping the Matrix. With a deluge of emotions, beauty and horrors wishing to be processed before accessing peace. Without a very strong social support, this can often be too much to digest.
Several studies now have highlighted that PTSD is more prevalent in individualistic / hyper-independent countries where people are expected to mostly rely on themselves, and where the sense of belonging is tied to financial success. People are dehumanized and relationships are subconsciously framed around how "consumable" someone is.
In these countries, therapeutic modalities are often directed towards making the survivor sole responsible for their recovery, with the assumption that safety is out there for the taking. This is a projection from the therapist, not an acknowledgment of the brutal reality of life. It can feel gaslighting when the therapist tries to bring their client into their reality, rather than accepting to step into the client's world, symbolically stripped naked to encourage the survivor into doing the same.
I align with the therapists who claim that the modalities matter less than the *quality* of the relationship: The nervous system knows what to do when it is ready. Most of us intuitively know how to open up. The challenge is to open up to be *in experience* with others. Messy, imperfect, human. BOTH as friend/partner/therapist and as survivor. If we can build solid trust with at least one or two people willing to be kind and vulnerable with us, then being supremely vulnerable becomes easier, and snapping out of the loop gets within reach.
Again, I believe CPTSD isn't the car crash and its aftermath. CPTSD is being stuck in the ER, awaiting for good care. Good care being at least one person that allows us to lower our walls, speak our truth and having a good cry. For a moment to re-establish connexion. If this dyad can be maintained, both by the other person's strong integrity and mirrored vulnerability, and by our own willingness to open up and accept to be seen despite the terror it inspires, then incredible things can happen.
People (or places) who can support us in this way are rare, but they exist.