u/420goddessss

Ive never had a stable father figure in my life, my dad wasnt always the best to me. ive always ran to older guys for comfort. i feel like older is better, theyre so gentle and mature. i hate talking to men who are younger than me, even by a few days or months. my love for older men has grown as the years have gone on. i yearn for a gentle man.

Im 16 years old turning 17. I come from a narcissistic and abusive family, my parents were never around and when they were, they were always fighting or fucking in front of me. i became hyper sexual at a young age. i didnt realize what i was doing until 3rd grade, and it became worse.

i was SA'D at young age and not having a reliable father figure in my life lead me to daddy issues, and only choosing older men. Ive always thought when you come from an angry household you yearn for a man whos gentle with you. i never believed in love until i met my ex in 7th grade, i was never close with my family but he was the reason i was. He cheated on me with my ex best friend when i was battling sever depression and symptoms of bpd.

After that i became i started talking with multiple guys trying to fill the void ive had for years, yet no matter what i did, nothing worked. ive done reckless things to feel loved, and it left me a bad reputation in my hometown. i was known as a drug addict depressed girl who did anything to feel loved or seen, my family didnt care when i attempted and started SH. they blamed my friends.

my first time being a mental hospital, i was 11. they had told me i have severe depression and anxiety. i was so alone. not even my family could be there for me, ever since i was conscious i wanted to be 18 so i could leave. i turn 18 next year. i wanna run away as far and as quick as i can. i was suspended multiple times during middle school for smoking weed in the bathrooms, i had an academic downfall in 3rd grade. ive lost everyone who i ever loved.

I was diagnosed with bpd once when i was 12. imagine telling a 12 year old they will never be happy again, i refused to take medication because i used to be addicted to pills, i have overdosed over 5 times. i have been laced with fentanyl, i have done xans, molly, percs, lean, acid, shrooms, coke. Nothing ever filled that void. I met the love of my life 3 years ago.

We were perfect until my mental health ruined our relationship, he recently left me because of how fucked up i am, he told me he couldnt see a future with someone who talks like they will be dead at 30. I wish he could see past my emotions and know i wish to be saved. i live with my deadbeat dad now and i have gotten worse. i have fist fought my whole family already, my dad always chooses his girlfriends over me. my mom chose her new family over me.

im drunk and high writing this as we speak, i just feel really lost and alone right now. i dont know what to do with my life. i have this constant loneliness and emptiness that i cant run away from, like this empty void in my heart right now. im trying to do everything i can and find hobbies to distract myself, but it feels like nothings working. i dont know what to do anymore.