u/420nikkii

Can’t believe the last time I went through a decade of my life I was 10, just a child. I still have my whole life ahead of me but man, it feels like it’s starting to get serious, within 10 years, within another decade of my life I hope to have my life together to a point, 20s are for getting your shit together for your future while still having the time of your life while you’re young. Happy birthday to me, no more being a teenager. 🥹💗

TW; mention of Suicidal Thoughts, SH and CSA.

It feels so weird. I remember entering 7th grade as a bullied girl hoping High School would be different. I could access my phone now, more freedom, etc. unfortunately it wasn’t different, in fact that was one of the worst years of my life. Suicidal thoughts, self harm, feeling like everything is purely negative and theres no way out. By the middle of 7th grade I hadn’t went over half of the school days and my mom started actively seeking out professional help for me.

I remember coming out one of my final exams in 7th grade and… one of the boys who consistently bullied me was in the hallway and decided to make a joke and ask me if not going to school was worth it, hinting I had failed. Ironically I passed that year. I’ve always been smart, i’m no genius but enough my parents thought I could get on the honour roll, and… unfortunately life had other plans for me.

I knew since 7th grade I wouldn’t be attending graduation, and I didn’t, by the time I was 15 my parents understood how much school was destroying me, and told me to just go enough until I was 16 and could choose whether I wanted to go or not. I dropped out at 16.

The next 2 years weren’t much better, in and out of therapy, at one point I had a court order saying I legally had to attend therapy because they didn’t think I would be able to function as an adult. They were right. 2 weeks before my 18th birthday I started getting very anxious over turning 18, all the responsibility that would suddenly be expected of me and I hit rock bottom, had my first panic attack, got put on my first meds.

It hasn’t been easy since then but heres the only thing… the only thing you can do when you’re at the very bottom… is climb up. I push myself to do little things now. Like going to an ATM on my own, ordering food on my own. I started my driving course which is required to get your license here and I have my learners permit. I can soon try to get my probationary. Guys. I went through CSA as a child which has made it very difficult for me especially around men, I was never able to have a male therapist because of that and I pushed myself. Even though I had panic attacks and my mind was telling me I couldn’t do it over and over, I pushed myself and I fucking did it. Having anxiety and trauma is always going to be a part of me, but I think it’s such a beautiful thing to finally stop letting it control you, to give life a chance no matter how hard it is. Such a painful thing to go through in the moment but then I get to look back and see how far i’ve come and see how beautiful my progress is.

I’m only 19, 20 in 25hours and 30 minutes, but it feels like my entire life has been this dark place I could never get out of, until that panic attack changed me, until it gave me the push to push myself little by little. It feels like since May of last year I’m finally getting a breath of fresh air. I’m finally living, sometimes it’s painful, and other times I tear up because of how far I’ve come.

Heres to turning 20, a new decade of my life, another year of progress, another decade which I can’t imagine how far ill come by the end. All I know is i’m sitting here tearing up, with a gentle smile because of how emotional I am, life can be painful, but I think i’m learning it can be a beautiful thing too when you stop letting your mind control you, what people say about you control you. You’re not alone, and i’m so proud of all of yall💗