u/432_2316

Dear ADC,

Hey bro, just writing this letter to you to let you know that you need to go and love yourself. No one is going to "save" you. 12 years is long enough for you to have put the past in a storage unit and let it default. Stop running this circle of nonsense and get back to your heart and soul. What went wrong bro? Was it your childhood? Did the abuse go so deep into your being that it consumed you and everyone around you had to have a small amount of it huh? Well bro let's kick it to you straight and no filter. You have a wonderful opportunity to go and get the help you have seemed like you seek that compassion and connection you so desperately hold on to. Whenever you get a chance don't drop the ball. Don't use an excuse that you are waiting on someone or need to get this done or that taken care of. God knows how much you prayed for the day you could have some self love instead of this self pity party you've been cycling for the past decade. None of these people are going to do it for you. No girl no dog no family or friend is magically going to close this chapter for you. Remember that hurt and confused boy was so hopeful that one day he would be worthy of love. They say it's the greatest gift that God gives us. Well you've lived in this lie and delusion of what it meant. Yeah you have had a couple glimpses of the feeling but never fully understood it. Love was a battle a nonstop fight to just get a taste of its delight. The day your children were born. Love yeah I knew then looking at them I didn't ever want them to go through anything I had been in. The innocent beings that only in a matter of years you would lie to and promise this was the last time. Then back to the substances and the people,places,and things that made you feel better but not loved. Then looking at yourself you honestly hated what you are. The abuser, narcissistic, downright low down dirty shame you are. Was it fate? Was it my father's sins I was having to atone for? No it wasn't . It was your need to be in control. The insecurities that flooded your brain with more lies. You even begin to believe in them. Well the time is up buddy. Get a grip or just let go. Oh letting go yeah that's another one of those dreams you're not capable of having. Instead of this bad MF you claim to be you're a scared little man who doesn't get better but wallows in his pit of despair of abandonment. Climb the fuck out bro. Wear the pain like a badge of honor. Support yourself instead of getting into a hole helping others who tend to let you down. Another one of your flaws expected others to be there for you. 39 years old better put your boots on because you've been walking in shit for real. Good thing is you met this beautiful lady. Small in stature but God is she a force to be reckoned with. With the courage to stand up to this "bad MF" and all his bs lies and abuse. To call out that demon and face it head on. She burned through the night like a West Texas wildfire leaving you in ruin. But not the type that can't be fixed. The kind that when it's over and the seasons pass something great and beautiful will emerge and you'll forget about all that destruction and mayhem. God how He had blessed me with my Pride and Joy the girl from your favorite Zeppelin song Going to California. She said things to you that no one had ever been able to resonate in you and then like a tornado she was up and gone. Went to create a new life for herself. To find peace out of the sabotage you and others had caused her. To love herself again. Well I usually get maniac and snowball into a spiral of why's and who's and what's . But the fact is we both didn't love ourselves or the versions that we had so carelessly gave to each other that hot and passionate night when we decided that we could give it a try. Well damn we were wrong babygirl. We went from these two people that seen heard and cared to these people that didn't accept anything as a loving gesture. Because quite brutally it wasn't what love is supposed to be. No blame game no love bombs just to not have that lonely feeling. Well being alone has taught me a lot really. During the alone time I usually did my best work. Not consumed by what I "want and need" or "am I good enough?" And the ever so bold " is this love?" Well I did have some kind of compassion for us. That's true and care yes I care deeply about her. And the sex was on fire. Fueled by late nights with substance running through our veins like Bo Jackson's rookie year. Fighting like Ali-Foreman going back and forth just trying to knock the other out and claim our belt. But truthfully I have great intentions when it comes to this beautiful little bobcat. Then and now. Even if it's to let her go chase her dreams and go to the places she will. Letting go is hard. It's never been my favorite part of life and quite frankly it brings me to this point. If you truly love someone you'll be willing to let them go and find the love for themselves that they need. You can't force that on someone. Not coming from our fucked up pasts and presents. It comes with fear and misery but one day when you see that person so damn in love with themselves and able to give love freely because the cup of love overruns and we both are the giving type. But what I take with me with this one is a feeling of if not her then who else? Who else would've had the energy to stay in a place they were scared to be? Who else was there when you two were hungry and desperately feeding the wrong hunger? Who else would have been better to show you that you didn't love proud and properly? Well I will carry that with me into this journey of reality and recovery. Not only was I not in love with myself I wasn't in love with her just the idea that if we carried the baggage then it would be lighter at the end. Nah homie it was heavy on the left side and the right side. Shit I'm sorry I didn't get to see this earlier. No hard feelings about it. Like I said if you truly love someone let them go and if it comes back around well that's Heaven on Earth if the work is done and the old hateful selves have been buried in a grave and no longer a part of your life. I'm not sure what the future will bring. I do know that the next time she sees me I'll be more in love with myself and my peace than I ever thought I was with her. Not to say that I don't think about her all the time. That I don't adore her and her little ways of expressing herself that I found so amusing even in a time of hating who I was presenting to that beautiful lady. She made me laugh smirk and even more so she made me promise I would never leave her side. Well I won't leave her but I am man enough to step back and let her go heal in whatever way she seeks fit. Never have I ever thought about forever with someone until her. That's the truth. Never have I had a sense of believing in hope and faith. Now it is time to reveal the greatest gift of all and that's love. Live frfr and I can find her when I want. She knows that is the hunter in me. Forever going to chase her like a mature buck this time with these ruts that will surely come with each year. I will be able to stand prouder and happier because she had the courage to chase me to see this old buck and give him a chance to look at his life and say you know what I need to go get help. No one deserves that type of treatment or anything close to what we offered each other. Till I see you again and this time I will come back with a love of myself. But just know she can always come to me with fears or concerns or even some advice if she wants to. Keep up the good work everyone is proud of her. One more thing ADC damn was she not only worth it obviously but she was the only one.

With the deepest of love and understanding,

ADC

5-14-26 The day love won keep me and this wonderful little lady in your prayers as we will pray for each of you as well and thanks for reading my letter to myself on the eve of taking a step in the right direction on this chase of love I've been on for years. God speed folks till we meet again. 💚🫂💯🌝🎸🌻🫴

So today is one of those days where you wake up and are ready to take on the world. To step into the fire and feel that steady burn. I had another dream last night and you're there but not in the way I wanted. Just kind of watching over me and not speaking but revealing the truths of myself. So I went through the day and now once I said any type of negative judgements or blame shaming. Just a true appreciation for you. Not only have I been working on that. I had a chance to reflect on myself. To finally see you were so right about so many things I didn't know you had the ability to have such a profound effect on me. But all is fair in love and war. A war that I found myself stalemated and lost. But then a overwhelming sense of love came and I gave in. When you get stuck in your ways and it's not working the only choice is to change not because of someone but the fact you'd better do something before you truly collapse under the weight you carried for so long. I was tired and you had to be completely exhausted from the war. So I surrender. The white flag is raised. Pride set aside for understanding and acknowledgement. Stubbornness for accountability. Offenses became defensive. But in all reality and respect you wanted me to get better. Thank you and I love you for that. The fighting time is over. It's all done. Now I pick up the pieces and must carry on. You're the one who grew flowers in the darkest parts of me. The sunflower 🌻. The girl in California who played guitar and sings. A lot makes sense to me all of a sudden. Ty for the opportunity. Really love you babygirl. It's always been you and will always be you. Damn I love this person. She is the one who saved me. For that I have to show my gratitude by living in some truth for a change. Still love you no matter what and gonna take the surrender and humbly go fix the wounds of my warriors. The ones who kept the war going. Who knew you were a damn good General. Lol hell I haven't met another person worthy of fighting for. But you T yeah I'm going to fight until there is no more left in me. Battered and bruised from my massive ego and refusal to take any advice from you. Turning in my sabor for I must retire from the war. I fought hard and we all know I fought to my best abilities. Like Lee I must see the defeat that is encircling my regiment and humbly go fix my life. Once I find the beauty in the world again I will truly love you the way you approach your wars and good God are you one hell of a warrior. With the upmost respect and loyalty and honor I humbly take a bow. You win T and I didn't lose you showed the way to win. Love you so much.

I wake up at the end of my restless nights with this feeling of failure and unworthiness. My mind races trying to pick up pieces of where we left off. I spin in circles looking for answers or a solution to figure out the problems. When is it enough? Why can't we just say "You know we both got in each other's life because of love and understanding that's how you fix this. Plain simple not too hard to just love one another. Yeah the past has pushed us to believe this fairytale that it's going to be a disaster like most of our endeavors in love. See me and you are a lot alike. We love so passionately and never got the chance to look at each other's flaws and embrace them and accept that we would never destroy each other for the sake of love. TSA you're my sunflower the most beautiful flower in the world. Not one time have I set out to destroy you in a million years I'd still be there waiting for you. I made a promise to never leave you. I will not go back on that promise. Yes I've made mistakes. I've lied to you. I've done unspeakable things that I'm ashamed of. But not once will I ever destroy you. I need answers some type of clarity in all the times I wake up and you're gone. This time I think I know where you're at. Silent treatment is not my strength. It is destroying me. I won't fall out of love with you. I'll fight tooth and nail for you. I find all your lost items. Just found some more and returned them to you. I want so bad to see you. Distant and silence are slowly breaking me apart. Will you pick up the pieces? Will you reach out in the light and pull me out of this dark cold lonely place? Or did I destroy you? Wish you would know that I am here for you. Wish you would know I love you. Wish no one would ever have hurt you so that you built this wall that seems impossible to ever get through. Will you just please love me?

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Dear T,

I want to just let you know that I appreciate you and your efforts are not going unnoticed. You just gave yourself the best gift for you and don't be ashamed of your past let downs and backslides. You're absolutely right on the path that you wanted and chose. Not only did it take courage and strength to get out of the toxic circumstances we had found ourselves in it took some heartache and sorrow as it's hard to leave loved ones behind and set out on a journey. So many people can get inspired by you and don't forget the dream you've been chasing. Never too late. Not as long as you are alive and I have one of the toughest days ahead of me in my life as my family lays my sweet Mom to rest. Fly High Momma We Will Always Love And Miss You And Remember You. So I may not have told you that my Mom had been to prison two times in her life. She made a conscious decision to give up a life of drug dealing and using. It saved me from being a victim of foster care. She was willing to give her life up for 9 boys and 5 of them weren't birthed by her. So beautiful was the truth that love does prevail and I will always love you TSA. Thank you for the good times and all the moments I would look at you and see this undying passion to really love someone. You've been a blessing for me and I want you to know that I am going to be okay just like you will T. Mom is going to see to that. People,Places,and Things she would always say that to me before we would hang up from much overdue video chats with her and she just wanted me to get right for once in my life but never judged me or turned me away unless she seen me not helping myself and she was strict. But T I fell in love with you besides the outer beauty it was the real and authentic way you approach every single situation as did Mom. I loved her rants just like I think yours are the cutest thing ever. By the time we meet again you're going to be in a better place like Mom. So many feels so I'm going to cut it short. Love you TSA Miss you So Much

I like the fact that we have different perspectives on things. You help expand my point of view, and I hope I do the same for you. I think the fact that we don't agree on everything (but are aligned in values and humour) is a great thing, because in these differences, we encourage one another to think and grow.

It's also wonderful because, in these moments, I get glimpses into your beautiful mind. Whenever you share anything (silly stories and anecdotes included), I get a small window into your thoughts.

You're one of the few people I've ever met who has as complex and unique an inner world as I do. I could spend forever learning you, and it still wouldn't be enough. It's in the way that you observe and process things; what you share, and what you don't; your meticulous planning interspersed with sudden impulsivity.... your mind is a source of endless fascination to me.

I'm quietly smiling thinking about you, now; your delighted, louder than usual laughter when you're unexpectedly amused by something; the way you blush and look down when bashful; when you try to play it cool around me and end up walking into something or dropping something; that beautiful, joyful, sincere smile that makes your pretty eyes crinkle almost shut; your animated voice and exaggerated expressions when you're telling a story...Even your wide-eyed, alarmed, tormented expression when you've unexpectedly run into me in those times when you've thought you've truly fucked it up with me.

Through it all, you're still my favourite person.

Time moves slower without you.