u/456wpc78nt

I was reading a book recently about immigrants and lifestyle, and it mentioned something that stayed in my head. I looked more into it after that, and honestly I feel like we don’t talk about this enough, especially in Muslim marriage spaces.

A lot of people are exposed to porn or soft-porn very young. Like 8, 10, 12. That age where your brain is still raw and learning everything fast. Your memory, your perception, your idea of the opposite gender, your idea of intimacy, all of that is still being built.

And then for many boys and girls, their first “introduction” to intimacy is not love, marriage, mercy, emotional closeness, or responsibility. It is porn. Or social media, movies, music videos, thirst traps, sexual jokes, etc.

That is actually scary when you think about it.

Because a child’s brain is not watching that and saying, “This is fake, this is acting, this is not real intimacy.” The brain just absorbs. It builds a picture. It learns what men are, what women are, what attraction is, what bodies should look like, and what intimacy should feel like.

Then years later we grow up and want marriage, but we don’t realize that some of our expectations were shaped by something unhealthy.

And I think many of us play it down.

We might say, No, I’m respectful or I know the difference between real life and porn.

But sometimes the damage is not only in watching it now. Sometimes the damage is in how it trained our eyes and mind when we were young.

A husband may love his wife but still compare her body, her reactions, or her desire to what he saw online.

A wife may feel she has to perform or look a certain way to be loved.

Someone may struggle to feel satisfied with normal married intimacy because their brain got used to novelty, different bodies, different scenarios, and constant dopamine.

Someone may lower their gaze in public but still have a mind full of images that affect how they see people privately.

This is not only about men. And it is not saying women are innocent either. It affects both, maybe in different ways.

The scary thing is porn is private. With food or music, people know your taste because it is public. But with porn, nobody knows how deep or dark someone went. Nobody knows what became NORMAL in their head.

Then people enter marriage with hidden expectations and wounds, and wonder why intimacy feels difficult, why trust is hard, why attraction feels unstable, or why they keep comparing.

I really think we need more self reflection on this.

Not just stop watching porn in a surface way. Of course we should stop. But also asking:

What did this teach me about men or women?

What kind of intimacy do I think is normal, and where did I learn that from?

Do I see my spouse as a full human being, or am I carrying images and expectations from years ago?

Part of healing is isolating ourselves from porn and soft-porn. Not just websites, but also Instagram pages, TikTok clips, movies, anything that keeps feeding the same part of the brain.

And then slowly relearning intimacy from a clean place. Not from screens. Not from random people. But from marriage, mercy, patience, respect, our natural body, our natural mind, and what Allah made halal.

Maybe some people will think this is dramatic, but I don’t think it is. I think we have played it down for too long.

A lot of people don’t bring just themselves into marriage. They bring years of private conditioning that nobody can see.

Can anyone relate to this? Idk, maybe I’m overthinking it, but have you seen it affect your own views on marriage, or the relationships of people around you?

I was reading a book recently about immigrants and lifestyle, and it mentioned something that stayed in my head. I looked more into it after that, and honestly I feel like we don’t talk about this enough, especially in Muslim marriage spaces.

A lot of people are exposed to porn or soft-porn very young. Like 8, 10, 12. That age where your brain is still raw and learning everything fast. Your memory, your perception, your idea of the opposite gender, your idea of intimacy, all of that is still being built.

And then for many boys and girls, their first “introduction” to intimacy is not love, marriage, mercy, emotional closeness, or responsibility. It is porn. Or social media, movies, music videos, thirst traps, sexual jokes, etc.

That is actually scary when you think about it.

Because a child’s brain is not watching that and saying, “This is fake, this is acting, this is not real intimacy.” The brain just absorbs. It builds a picture. It learns what men are, what women are, what attraction is, what bodies should look like, and what intimacy should feel like.

Then years later we grow up and want marriage, but we don’t realize that some of our expectations were shaped by something unhealthy.

And I think many of us play it down.

We might say, No, I’m respectful or I know the difference between real life and porn.

But sometimes the damage is not only in watching it now. Sometimes the damage is in how it trained our eyes and mind when we were young.

A husband may love his wife but still compare her body, her reactions, or her desire to what he saw online.

A wife may feel she has to perform or look a certain way to be loved.

Someone may struggle to feel satisfied with normal married intimacy because their brain got used to novelty, different bodies, different scenarios, and constant dopamine.

Someone may lower their gaze in public but still have a mind full of images that affect how they see people privately.

This is not only about men. And it is not saying women are innocent either. It affects both, maybe in different ways.

The scary thing is porn is private. With food or music, people know your taste because it is public. But with porn, nobody knows how deep or dark someone went. Nobody knows what became NORMAL in their head.

Then people enter marriage with hidden expectations and wounds, and wonder why intimacy feels difficult, why trust is hard, why attraction feels unstable, or why they keep comparing.

I really think we need more self reflection on this.

Not just stop watching porn in a surface way. Of course we should stop. But also asking:

What did this teach me about men or women?

What kind of intimacy do I think is normal, and where did I learn that from?

Do I see my spouse as a full human being, or am I carrying images and expectations from years ago?

Part of healing is isolating ourselves from porn and soft-porn. Not just websites, but also Instagram pages, TikTok clips, movies, anything that keeps feeding the same part of the brain.

And then slowly relearning intimacy from a clean place. Not from screens. Not from random people. But from marriage, mercy, patience, respect, our natural body, our natural mind, and what Allah made halal.

Maybe some people will think this is dramatic, but I don’t think it is. I think we have played it down for too long.

A lot of people don’t bring just themselves into marriage. They bring years of private conditioning that nobody can see.

Can anyone relate to this? Idk, maybe I’m overthinking it, but have you seen it affect your own views on marriage, or the relationships of people around you?

I was reading a book recently about immigrants and lifestyle, and it mentioned something that stayed in my head. I looked more into it after that, and honestly I feel like we don’t talk about this enough, especially in Muslim marriage spaces.

A lot of people are exposed to porn or soft-porn very young. Like 8, 10, 12. That age where your brain is still raw and learning everything fast. Your memory, your perception, your idea of the opposite gender, your idea of intimacy, all of that is still being built.

And then for many boys and girls, their first “introduction” to intimacy is not love, marriage, mercy, emotional closeness, or responsibility. It is porn. Or social media, movies, music videos, thirst traps, sexual jokes, etc.

That is actually scary when you think about it.

Because a child’s brain is not watching that and saying, “This is fake, this is acting, this is not real intimacy.” The brain just absorbs. It builds a picture. It learns what men are, what women are, what attraction is, what bodies should look like, and what intimacy should feel like.

Then years later we grow up and want marriage, but we don’t realize that some of our expectations were shaped by something unhealthy.

And I think many of us play it down.

We might say, No, I’m respectful or I know the difference between real life and porn.

But sometimes the damage is not only in watching it now. Sometimes the damage is in how it trained our eyes and mind when we were young.

A husband may love his wife but still compare her body, her reactions, or her desire to what he saw online.

A wife may feel she has to perform or look a certain way to be loved.

Someone may struggle to feel satisfied with normal married intimacy because their brain got used to novelty, different bodies, different scenarios, and constant dopamine.

Someone may lower their gaze in public but still have a mind full of images that affect how they see people privately.

This is not only about men. And it is not saying women are innocent either. It affects both, maybe in different ways.

The scary thing is porn is private. With food or music, people know your taste because it is public. But with porn, nobody knows how deep or dark someone went. Nobody knows what became NORMAL in their head.

Then people enter marriage with hidden expectations and wounds, and wonder why intimacy feels difficult, why trust is hard, why attraction feels unstable, or why they keep comparing.

I really think we need more self reflection on this.

Not just stop watching porn in a surface way. Of course we should stop. But also asking:

What did this teach me about men or women?

What kind of intimacy do I think is normal, and where did I learn that from?

Do I see my spouse as a full human being, or am I carrying images and expectations from years ago?

Part of healing is isolating ourselves from porn and soft-porn. Not just websites, but also Instagram pages, TikTok clips, movies, anything that keeps feeding the same part of the brain.

And then slowly relearning intimacy from a clean place. Not from screens. Not from random people. But from marriage, mercy, patience, respect, our natural body, our natural mind, and what Allah made halal.

Maybe some people will think this is dramatic, but I don’t think it is. I think we have played it down for too long.

A lot of people don’t bring just themselves into marriage. They bring years of private conditioning that nobody can see.

Can anyone relate to this? Idk, maybe I’m overthinking it, but have you seen it affect your own views on marriage, or the relationships of people around you?

On bed at 1AM watching something in English, then stopped that and started listening to a Hindi song, and I swear my brain just can’t take it anymore.

I was born in Pakistan, then went back to Afghanistan and lived there for 7 years. Then moved to India to study, did my bachelors and masters there, then moved to Germany for work, then moved to the USA for a girl.

I’ve lived in all these places, learned their languages, tried to be one of them. I never wanted to be the black sheep. But now I feel like I’ve lost my identity. My food choices, music choices, clothes, hair, values, basically everything has turned into some freaking salad with no taste and no actual personality. Like I can literally eat anything now because my mouth has lost its taste buds and just gave up.

I don’t use social media much, but even the content I watch is so mixed. Rarely Afghan stuff. It’s all soccer, basketball, cricket, random politics from those countries, their humor, their culture. I’m not funny to any of them, but all of them are funny to me.

Sometimes I remember my mom saying “sang da jay khod sangeen” a stone is heavy in its own place. And damn, I feel that. I wish I belonged somewhere. I wish all the friends I made throughout my life could at least be in the same country so we could actually see each other. Everyone is scattered everywhere and I can barely keep in touch with anyone properly.

I got married into another culture too and that didn’t work out, now I’m going through divorce.

Sometimes I feel like writing a book about my life, but then I’m like wtf man, just have some peace in your head first before you start venting to the whole world about your personal issues.

Anyways, please tell me someone relates. Come on. Don’t tell me I’m unique lol. How does this affect your life? Is your Spotify or music app also shuffled with half a dozen languages and completely random vibes?

I 28M married to 24F for one year.

Two years ago I caught my wife having secret Instagram and following random guys, including my friends and cousins, she told me oh you are an Afghan toxic man and that’s why mom and sis told me don’t get engaged to this guy, he’d so possessive , so I kinda felt that and she said she deleted the account so we moved on.

After two years of that incident we are married now, it was Ramadan, she had an accident so I am soft Eng (hybrid), so I work the whole day, take care of the house, cooking, cleaning, her appointments, massage and ice her legs, move her around. But one day I felt she’s hiding something from me, and what I saw was, she has another Instagram account and she’s following my cousins and some guys from her university and constantly stalking them. I was shocked, felt like shit, kept a bit distance from her for a month, waited for her to recover, then I left the house.

The next day her family came to me, and her mom said you didn’t catch her naked with someone, and her brother was saying it’s normal, her sister was saying you didn’t deserve her, you wanted leave and this was an excuse for you.

Sisters, is this normal and acceptable??? And for brothers and sisters please if you are doing this, maybe this is reminder from Allah, focus on your partner.

Edit: our relationship has been kinda toxic. She screams and disrespects. Before this she left the house for 3 months because she was upset and after reconciliation she came back.