AITAH for asking for an apology when my partner missed my ultrasound?
I’m going to try to make this as short as possible but I still expect length, I just feel like I’m going crazy over this.
Today I had an intravaginal ultrasound at the OBGYN so my bf came along because I have had some bad experiences in the past with a different Gyno so he was going to be there for emotional support. We get there and he’s immediately like “I’m going to go to the bathroom.” So I say something alone the lines of okay but don’t be too long because I don’t know when they will call me back. Maybe about 10 minutes later they call me back to the room so I text him that I’m heading back and he would have to be quick to get in here or else they probably wouldn’t let him. Well the tldr there is he didn’t make it back in time so I had it alone and it was okay, hurt a bit but nothing traumatic like it was with my last doctor. So I get dressed and wipe myself off best I can and meet him back in the lobby. I sit down and kinda smile and say “Damn you drive me out here just to miss the most important part.” He gets really upset and says something like “I was in the bathroom, I couldn’t control it.” And yeah, I know, I tell him that. He continues on and says “I didn’t expect them to get you back so soon.” Again, I tell him I know and I understand. He keeps going, “You’re guilt tripping me to feel bad.” So now I interject and say “No I’m not trying to be, I’m just a little upset that you weren’t there for it because I was anxious and the whole reason you came with was for that one part.” Again he says, “It was the bathroom I can’t control it.” I say, “I know and I don’t expect you, I know you can’t, I’m just a little upset, I just want an apology.”
Now for some reason that was the part that started to make him go from what seemed to be upset to pissed off because at first he started by saying “I’m not going to apologize for something I can’t control.” Which yeah I get, and I was trying to say that but then he cut me off, “it’s not like I didn’t want to be there, that’s why I came,” and this somehow ended up with him saying that he’s not gonna get into it there in the office.
So we eventually go back again, the doctor looks over my ultrasound and gives me my results (Found out ive got an ovarian cyst but that’s not important to the story) so we leave and he starts driving back and we start talking about the appointment. After maybe 10 minutes of talking to goes silent for a while. So I get up the courage to look at him and say, “Is there anything else you wanted to say to me?” And then he blows up. Starts raising his voice at me like “I thought we were over this, why are you bringing it back up, I’m not going to apologize for going to the bathroom.” And now it’s just a full blown argument when all I can really say is, “All I want is an apology.” But he keeps saying stuff like “You want me to get down on my hands and knees and apologize for every little thing.” “You don’t deserve an apology.” “You need to stop manipulating me.” At some point he even says, “I really hope you find someone that doesn’t give a fuck.” And that one really scared me especially because what does that even mean? Does he want me to find another partner that doesn’t care about me at all? I’m just really confused and upset. And I’m bad about crying easily so I feel my eyes welling up at this point so I’m holding back tears and eventually just give up and say, “Fine, what can I do to make you feel better?”
I can’t remember exactly what it was because I was just holding back tears but wanted me to say something like, “I’m sorry for making this a big deal and being reckless about my feelings and taking it out on you.” So I repeat it back exactly as he said. So now we finally stop arguing and there’s silence. I’m so so upset but then my bubble burst when he said, “I’m not taking someone who is crying out to lunch.”
Well now the dam breaks and I start crying. Not a single tear fell out until that moment and I just got really upset because I couldn’t take it anymore and I was just asking why he was being so mean and now we couldn’t go to lunch. It was just bad.
The drive back home sucked (yes we live together, been dating over 3 years) and now I just feel like he’s calling me crazy and a manipulator but I really don’t feel like I am. I feel so crazy about this though that I’m obviously coming to Reddit of all places to ask. I’m 100% listening to anyone because at this point I think it would be easier to be told I’m crazy and need to give him a proper apology and make it up to him than be told that he’s the one that blew up and I’m just with someone not good for me. Am I the Asshole for asking for an apology when he missed my ultrasound?
He does have digestive issues and bathroom trips are long and frequent for him just to clarify. He did go before we left the house but had to again once we got to the lobby, where I told him to try to be quick about it because I didn’t know when they’d call me back.
I’m not pregnant, this was for PCOS
Edit: another thing I remind him saying after I asked for an apology was “you probably would’ve gotten one (an apology) if you didn’t come out and immediately attack me.” But then kept refusing to give me one no matter how I asked or what I did
Edit 2: I only shortly posted this ago and I’m already seeing a lot of different reactions. But reading this back, I agree I really fucked up. I came right at him whenever I walked out to him in the lobby and didn’t give him a chance to say anything before I spoke first. And whenever we were driving back, I asked if there was anything he wanted to say to me. That was also a dick move. My thought process was that he said he didn’t want to talk about it in office so I was going to talk about it later but that was definitely not the way to bring it up. Thank you all for your comments and I’m going to give him an apology whenever I can. I think we both still need some time to cool off and I even go to work here in about an hour. So I’ll try to get him this evening with a real apology and see what I can do to make it up to him. Thank you for being real with me Reddit
Update: hey all, it’s the next day so I was able to sleep on it and read a lot more of your posts. When I first posted this, a lot of people were saying I’m TAH and for some reason that relieved me more than telling me I wasn’t. But then as time went on and my email blew up (which I also got an email saying someone on Reddit was concerned for me and it was a bot sending me “resources” lol), I kept reading more and more and now all of the top comments are saying I’m not in the wrong. I’m still honestly really confused about the whole situation, but I don’t like to view who is “right or wrong.” I just needed to know what this all looked like from an outside perspective because I was feeling like I was being made out to be crazy when I didn’t really feel like I was. I was able to talk to one of my coworker friends about this and even sent her the post (if you’re reading this, thank you <3) and I’m seeing now that I’ll have to reevaluate my relationship. Because yes, in typical Reddit fashion, there’s a lot more going on behind the scenes than I let on but seeing so many people support me and even a comment from a teacher saying what she made her students do made me realize that he’s the childish one and an apology shouldn’t be that hard. I’m not sure what I’m frankly going to do because I’m so deep in, but I’ll figure it out. Thank you all for supporting me and all of the little hugs and kisses lol.
- And whenever I came home from work last night, he bought me dinner and I also brought him home coffee from his favorite shop. So we never truly apologized to each other but at this point, I’m afraid of doing so because I don’t want him to be like “I thought we were over this.” And then he said he really wanted to see a new horror movie so within an hour I got ready and we went out with one of his guy friends (go see Obsession, very good). I know I personally still feel numb and if he is feeling anything, he isn’t showing it, at least yesterday night he was acting like nothing happened.