u/5oclocksomewhere7

I want to thank everyone who shows up here with their sorrow, anger, joy and reality.

I’ve been here for 5 weeks now, and I have felt unconditionally supported and psychologically safe.

I’ve gained so many resources- books, websites, grief support, poetry and for me…I’m looking into all of it. Not to rush my grief- or make myself get better. I want to understand what’s happening in my body, mind and Spirit.

Someone mentioned that they got a digital photo frame that scrolls pictures. I bought one and even though it arrived yesterday- I didn’t want to open it and set it up.

Tonight, I felt focused enough to be able to look at pictures and I’m so glad I did!! I loaded 100 photos of him, our travels and our life. It’s amazing.

I set it up on his pillow and I can now wake up in the night to his smiling face. Having this immediately changed the energy of our bedroom. It may be the “best” gift from this sub.

And, no…it didn’t change the fact that I’ve broken down sobbing twice since then while trying to eat without an appetite- but, when I go back to bed- his smile will be there.

Right now, it’s the tiniest speck of hope or joy that I’m grasping for…and sharing my gratitude to all of us for being here for one another.

Automatic writing “popped” into my head on Saturday…and it keeps coming every couple of hours. I have zero idea or thoughts about this topic (or spent time reading about it).

My husband loved to write and we had a long standing joke about finding each other’s errors.

Is this a possibility?

Finally taking some time off…putting it in for 5 days was harder than I expected. I only ever took time off with my husband…and it meant we were going to travel.

The realization hit hard. This time off is going to be the first of many- without my love.